11:30pm Today I had a continuing ed class at the Embassy Suites on the plaza. It seems as though anytime I drive on I 35 near or into downtown KC recently I have so many emotions come rushing back. We drove that route several times in a short amount of time...and oh how I wish I could drive it again and again and again if only it were to see my baby girl again. Today as I neared turning left into the parking lot at Embassy Suites, I saw St. Luke's on the Plaza on the right and remembered taking a right into their parking lot, our big girls with me, in order to donate all the milk I had pumped and didn't need anymore.--This was just over 2 weeks after Avelyn had passed and we had a lot to donate. One of the tough things, the many don't want to even think about tough things, about losing a child is that you never stop being a mom. One of the things that meant in our case losing Avelyn, an infant, was that all the milk supply I had built up (and I was blessed with all 3 of our girls to have an abundant supply), now had to be weaned down. So as I mourned the loss of our daughter, I had to continue pumping...and I couldn't finish this process fast enough. It took about 1 1/2 weeks total, and I probably should have taken longer bc I was near mastitis a couple times. But I didn't care. I just wanted to be done. As difficult as all this was, it was much more bearable bc the lactation consultant at Children's Mercy had given me info to be able to donate my milk; at least I wouldn't be throwing it all away...it would be going to helping others that needed it. The info she gave me was actually for a place out in Denver, but after I called that place, they referred me to a new donation place right in KC. So thankful for this as it made everything much more convenient. So on June 11 (which seems forever ago on one hand, but as I drove by there today seemed just like yesterday), Brooklan, Aili, and I went to go drop it off. It was also really nice donating right here in KC bc they were able to give us a quick tour of their facility/area at St. Luke's. The process they go through is amazing. They process the milk a couple times then as they analyze it they separate out parts of the milk to form specific 'blends' that are needed by specific babies. As they get a call or a need for certain vitamins or minerals or other nutrients that a particular NICU baby needs (for babies all over the U.S.), they can make this 'blend' so they are able to meet that specific baby's needs. Just amazing... Knowing this and the potential help Avelyn & I are able to give other babies in need, is humbling, a blessing...makes an extremely difficult, unbearable, unimaginable, horrible, challenging process & journey just a little more bearable. Not easy. Not easier. But a little more bearable. One of the things someone (I think it was Shy, the lactation consultant @ Children's Mercy) told me (bc she had previously lost a baby that was 24 weeks old and she had donated milk herself) is that on the date her baby would have turned a year old, she got a letter in the mail telling her a little bit about all the babies her milk went to and were able to help. She donated through Denver, but I hope I get something like this as well. To see the impact, the potential blessings, on paper that my milk, Avelyn's milk, has made as she would be turning a year old would bring tears to my eyes...tears of sadness, but also tears of thankfulness...tears for those babies we were able to help (with God's grace and help)...tears for the birthdays they will hopefully get to be celebrating for years to come...tears for their mommies that are holding them...and holding them...tight...as I want all of you to do with your babies, your big kids, your grandkids, your spouse, your sister, brother, your LOVED one...tonight...tomorrow...always...as I'm getting ready to go do with our big girls right now. :). <3
10:03pm Today was a bit of a tough day. I'm not always sure why some days are harder than others...but they are. I agree with my younger sister on at least one reason...I'm much busier (at least a focused, HAVE to stay on track busy) during the week, so I have less time to think about Avelyn. Also maybe it's because I wasn't in church service today; I was able to teach Sunday school to the preschoolers, including Ailiana, but I couldn't be in church bc of this; maybe that's why it was harder..bc I didn't get to fully worship my Lord and Savior in church. Maybe it's bc I saw a beautiful baby girl on my way out of church today; somedays I handle this much better than others; today, not so good. Honestly, it's just not fair. I know life isn't fair. At least this life isn't.--My devotionals this week have been on death. I absolutely do not fear death bc I know Jesus and I have given my life to Him. The author seems to be trying to convince her readers of this, but I already get it. I don't want to leave my family behind...this I don't ever want to think about, but death itself, I do not fear. The verse in my devotional for today was from Ecclesiastes and states "the day you die is better than the day you were born." I have never thought about this before; when I first read it, I thought 'please explain more...' but now it makes complete sense to me. It doesn't say 'the death of a loved one is better...' bc it stinks being left behind when a loved one goes to meet Christ, but when you, yourself, die...if you know Christ, you will go to a much better world, a much better place, than this one, the world left behind. Avelyn is there. She has celebrated her 'Deathday' as my devotional called it. That word sounds so bad. Kinda morbid. Kinda funny. Kinda weird. But it should be celebrated by the person who leaves and knows Christ. I'm wondering if you, those I know, those I love, will be excited, not fearful, when your Deathday comes...bc you know Jesus... I hope so. For ALL my friends and family, I truly do hope so, with all my heart. I can't express this enough!!!
Even on my bad days, I'm so thankful Avelyn is with our Lord and Savior. I'm not thankful that she's not here...not with me, but I am thankful she will be with Christ, she is with Christ...FOREVER.--Even when it's my time. Even when it's my Deathday. Even when I get to go meet Christ, and my baby girl. Still. She will still be there. Forever. So on days like today, moments like today, as hard as they are, as much as they are unfair, as much as they stink beyond stink, as much as the tears flow, as much as my anger, my discomfort, my sadness bursts out of me...I can take peace and have joy in this. Praise God. Praise God He gives me faith. Praise God I know Him. Because of this, I know I will see my precious, beautiful daughter again. Healthy. In His arms. I continue to ask God to fill me with His Holy Spirit. I feel Him. And I need this. Thank You God. Thank You so much for getting me through. Even on the bad days, the bad moments, the bad times. They stink, but You are here. Thank You. And thank You God for everyone You have helping me through, surrounding me with Your love. My husband. My big girls. My family. My church family. My friends. My friends who may not even know You yet themselves, but who help me feel You, help me know You are there, even as You work on their hearts to help them know You are there for them too. You work in amazing ways Lord Jesus and I am so thankful for You. Please continue to help me through. I need it. I need it every day, every hour. Help me keep my eyes on You. This is what gets me through. Day by day... 10:25pm Despite always missing Avelyn and thinking about her probably 100s of times every day, recently it seems my tears have been remaining at bay. Tonight though, the moment Brooklan became emotional, saying "I miss Avelyn," they came to the forefront again. There's just another whole level of sadness when you see your children crying...being sad. As my tears came immediately after Brooklan uttered these words, I started praying in my head for God to give me the strength to help her and handle my own tears at that moment. And He did. As Josh thankfully took care of Aili, Brooklan and I had some time to talk and be together. There were still tears, but He helped me control them while I was trying to help Brooklan. She really hasn't cried much since her sister passed, so I cherish these moments where maybe it is good for her to let her emotions go, and I want to be there for her in these moments to help her through them...with the help of God's grace. We talked together and we looked through Avelyn's album together; I made sure to point out to Brooklan that all the tubes Avelyn has in the pictures are GONE and that--bc we believe in Jesus--we will get to see her again--healthy and without the tubes--when we go to heaven.
Right before bed, she said a prayer (we've all been trying to pray together in the big girls' room before they go to sleep); even though we had said a prayer already, she wanted to say another one. She asked God to help her see tomorrow that Avelyn is ok...and she prayed that God will be with all the moms or siblings in the world who have lost a baby. Such a sweet prayer. :) As I walked out of their room, I lost it.--I thank God I was able to hold it together that long. Thankfully Josh was right there to comfort me, which always helps. We enjoyed a good talk together on our front porch...taking in the beautiful evening, as well. As we prayed together, I prayed that God would help lead us and guide us and help us know how to handle moments like this with our sweet girls here on earth. So far they have seemed to do really well, but I just wonder if there is something we are missing. I pray God will give us His eyes to help us see if/when they need help. As has been the case through all of this, we will rely on God and on His amazing strength and grace, and on your continued prayers to help us. Thank u!! :) 3:19pm
Just pulled into Dillons in Wichita. Stopping here at the pharmacy to see my younger sister and will spend the night with her. Aili and I drove here to meet my Mom, older sister, Brooklan, and my nephews. Excited to see Brooklan (and everyone else, too, of course)!! :) Had a beautiful drive. At the start of the drive, I was wondering if there was a way to avoid tolls or just a different way to go. As I checked out options I saw that we could take highway 50 across, avoiding tolls. I thought about this, but wasn't thrilled about this option because I'm not a big fan of only 2 lane highways; I grew up in a small town, but still right along Interstate 70.--I just don't like having to be behind a slow car or trying to pass them when you see another getting closer and closer to you on their side of the road. It raises my blood pressure!! :/ Even though I was thinking this, something just told me to take it...as my Dad used to say when we were young, let's take some back roads so we can 'see some country.' :) So I did. I was looking forward to 'seeing some country' bc this is the way I am able to soak up some sun, my Sunshine.' :) Well...the way was parted for me. From the start of the drive in Emporia to about an hour later in Newton, I didn't have to deal with one car going west.--I saw tons of cars going eastbound and only a couple going west, but both of them turned off the road before I reached them, not affecting me at all. I know it's Kansas with not tons of traffic, but this has never happened to me before...and like I said, there were tons of cars going the other way!! I was able to enjoy a beautiful ride. So peaceful. Seeing God's glorious, beautiful creation. Feeling my precious daughter. Thank you Lord Jesus. Love it! Now I will go inside to see my baby sister and start to enjoy the rest of our wonderful weekend. Enjoy your weekend friends. Enjoy the sunshine...and Let Your Light Shine, too. :) 11:22pm
As I lay here ready to go to sleep, I realize I have very heavy eyes...not sure if it's simply due to being tired...due to the tears I shed earlier as I prayed to God while working on packing in Avelyn's room...due to swimming with my middle daughter today...or maybe all of the above. Tomorrow...in less than an hour, we should be happy and looking forward to celebrating Ave's 3 month birthday and all the fun things she has started doing. As I think about this, so many things come to mind. My biggest emotion recently has just been pure sadness...longing to hold my baby girl, to snuggle with her, to see her smile and maybe hear her laughing by now...wanting to raise her...missing her SO much. A few short days ago I was really struggling with anger. Mad at God at times as to why this had to happen; at times it would overwhelm me, whereas other times I would be ok and think it was silly to have the anger. Thankfully prayers from others, helpful conversations, and a focus on God's character have gotten me through this...and through all the other hard times too. Thank you. I continue to struggle with a mixture of emotions; I feel at times that I am bipolar right now.--I have been told this is normal, so I made sure to let Josh know this. ;) Anyways, I struggle on one end of the spectrum with the complete sadness I've had a lot recently...all the way on the other end of the spectrum to complete joy knowing my youngest daughter is happy and healthy in heaven and KNOWING I will see her again someday. During all this, I have to make sure my eyes are always looking UP, not back and most definitely not forward to what I am missing because that's no doubt the hardest thing of all!! This week our oldest daughter Brooklan is in Goodland spending the week with my Mom & Dad and with my older sister's family who recently moved there. We just got done talking to Brooklan on the phone and she is loving it...and I love hearing this. And we have enjoyed our time here with Aili. She has been such a joy and it's great to have some one-on-one time with her as this doesn't happen very often. As I am writing this, I got to thinking about our day today...it completely jives with how I have been feeling recently, so I had to add this to the title of today's post. :) This afternoon we went to the pool.--A hot, sunny day we were able to enjoy together, a lot of our time spent just floating on a tube around and around the lazy river...enjoying our Sunshine. When we got home we were sitting on the front porch and it started to rain. We still had our swimsuits on so, of course, we took yet another opportunity to dance in the rain. :) So just like my emotions have been, today we went from sunshine to rain. The funny thing is though, we enjoyed BOTH of them...probably just like I need to know that there is good in the spectrum of emotions I am having right now. It's ok. It's normal. And it's probably actually healthy for me right now. From Sunshine to Rain. Pretty much describes me these days...and probably for a while to come. As I finish writing this, Aili has snuck into our room, into our bed. I am now enjoying even more of my day (into the night) with her; snuggling with any one of our daughters will NEVER get old. ;) I will post a pic. :) Love you our sweet Avelyn KayLee Grace. Happy 3 month birthday precious girl. We miss you SO much. We enjoyed your Sunshine and your Rain today.--We see you in it all and still in so many other things, too. Celebrate in heaven for us today, too. We love you sweet girl... 11:55 pm
www.letyourlight-shine.com Some of you already know about the website we have started to try to continue to honor our precious daughter--we pray by God's grace we are able to do this. Our goal is to encourage others to "Let Your Light Shine" on this earth, with Christ's strength and help. We want to do what we can to help others hear Avelyn's story; we know God has a plan for all this...we cling to the hope that it is something big, and we want to do our part--as least as much as we can--to be a part of it. We encourage you to check out our website and share any ideas you may have to try to help our cause. We would really appreciate your help!! We have already printed bookmarks with our logo, which also tell a bit about Avelyn's story; we designed these with the help of a friend. If you would like a bookmark, please let us know and we can try to get you a couple. If you already have one and would like a few more, let us know, and we can try to do that, as well. We want to share with others--as many people as possible--so that by God's grace others may come to know Christ--that don't know Him already--and all will also be encouraged to "Let Your Light Shine." The past few days have been a struggle for me at times. I think it's because maybe reality is setting in even more. As I think about our sweet daughter and how I will miss her GROWING UP--smiling for the first time, laughing for the first time, sitting up, crawling, walking, riding a bike, going on trips with us, getting on the bus for the first day of school, graduating from high school, etc, etc, etc, I am extremely saddened and at times angry. I am ashamed to admit, at times I don't care about any other things, I only long to be with my sweet daughter again. As I think about these things, I wonder, "maybe God has given us this theme, this logo, for ME."--He has put me on this earth for a purpose, and while I am here, awaiting Jesus' return, I MYSELF need to "Let MY Light Shine." I know this will be hard for me--or anyone--for that matter, to do ALL the time, but by God's grace, I need to find my strength in Him to try to do this as much as possible.--I need to keep my eyes on Him...I need to get my strength from Him, so that I may better Shine my Light...God's Light through me. A few weeks ago after Avelyn's memorial service, Josh & I were discussing a 'theme' or a 'message' that we wanted to share with others to honor our precious daughter and keep her story alive, and "we" came up with "Let Your Light Shine." As we were searching in the Bible for a verse that might match this theme, we came across those exact words in Matthew 5:16, which made it apparent that GOD literally GAVE us the theme, gave us those words. Matthew 5:16 says: "In the same way, LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." As I think about how I might struggle in the next few days, weeks, months, and even years, I feel this message will be for me. I know I won't struggle every minute of every day, but when I do, these words will hopefully help me to keep my eyes looking up, know who I get my strength from, and encourage me to hang on and let my light SHINE. Our hope, if even just in the smallest way possible, is that we--through God's grace--may encourage you to Let Your Light Shine, as well...and our hope is that we can continue to do this on an ongoing basis for you and others. This is why it becomes so important that you share any ideas you may have in helping us do this!! There is a section on the website under 'Comments.' One thing we would love to do is, in addition to our bookmarks, print additional items with our logo, as well. Maybe t-shirts, notepads, front license plates... We shall see where the Lord leads us. I pray He will guide us and give us ideas that we may touch as many lives as possible, with His help. So...if you have ideas, PLEASE share! As Avelyn shines her light on me every day, I pray I may do the same--for her, for my God, and for others--as I live my life here on earth... www.letyourlight-shine.com 11:16pm
Something I have done with both of our big girls is get them some type of snow globe when they were babies. We got Brooklan a Precious Moments one that you can also put a picture in the base of and it plays music and we got Aili one that I believe says 'More thankful for you than there are stars in the sky.' I think I got each of the snowglobes shortly after they were born; I can't remember for sure, but definitely when they were babies. So last Friday, just over a week ago, Brooklan asked to borrow my phone. Later after I had checked the phone log I saw that she had called my in-laws, but I didn't know for what. Come to find out she had called to ask them to look for a snowglobe for us...for Avelyn. Oh...and not just a snowglobe, but preferably a music box one, as well. And she also let them know it would be great if it could play 'You Are My Sunshine.' I'm sure being 8 years old, she figured this was probably an easy task. So my in-laws, the good people they are, set out on a mission...to please/appease their granddaughter and surprise us. The first store they go into is Hallmark. They look around some and also ask an associate if they have anything of the sort. I'm not sure if it was right away or later they end up sharing Avelyn's story and also how her sister sent them out on this mission. As they look around, they see nothing and the associate even tells them she does not know of anything in the store with this description (big surprise, right?) As I'm thinking, and probably others as well, does something like this even exist...let alone in this one store...the first store they go into...in all of Kansas City??? About that time I guess my father-in-law sees another snowglobe. He sees it is a music box as well. He picks it up and begins to twist it underneath to play its song, and lo and behold, out comes "You Are My Sunshine." In my opinion, a small miracle. Not even the associate knew it existed. I truly see the Lord's hand and my precious Avelyn's hand in this. And by the way, story not over... So they bring it to our house the next day, last Saturday. Right when they get there they show it to Brooklan and she notices it's an ANGEL in the snowglobe (something they had not yet noticed) with big angel wings. A while later, after dinner and a mean game of croquet (which Josh won bc I think he cheated, but according to him, he's been 'training for years' :) --sorry for the sidenote :) ), we finally got to open the present and hear the whole story. As I look at our gift and wind it up to hear our daughter's song, tears begin to roll down my face and I see the angel in the snowglobe holding a BIRD.--As we found out after Avelyn had passed, her name also means 'bird' (in Latin) and I think of her as this often as I see all the little birds 'enjoying life, flying in the sky.' Such a perfect gift...and even more so because with my in-laws help, it came from our oldest daughter to remember her sister...and I believe with her sister's help in finding it. :) We have received so many perfect gifts since Avelyn has passed...too many to even begin to name here. We are thankful for each and every one of them and will cherish them always. I even have a page in her album dedicated to showing all the gifts we have received (at least up until the point the album was made). So thankful for each of them, as they give me something to see or hold onto as we remember our sweet Avelyn. Thank you. So blessed. Enjoy the bright sunshine tomorrow, sweet friends... 8:28 pm
Sitting on the front porch right now enjoying this beautiful September, I mean July, day. :) Don't ever remember a July day quite like this one. So beautiful. So thankful. I hear the big girls in the back yard playing catch with their loving, giving Daddy, and I am enjoying peace in the presence of my Lord & Savior and my sweet Avelyn. I of course love my time with my big girls, as I have mentioned many times and want to cherish every moment with them, and I also enjoy time 'with my pieces of heaven,' as well. Just can't get enough of the outdoors these days...what a coincidence it is that we have had such a beautiful summer thus far. ;) Always want to be feeling my baby girl MORE, but for now this is the closest I will get...so I am 'soaking up the Sun.' :) To add to my journal entry last night, I just read another great line in my book tonight, giving me peace. "And death, not healing, is the great deliverance from all pain and suffering." NO MORE pain and suffering for my baby girl. Not now. Not ever. Completely healed. It will ALWAYS be hard not being able to hold my sweet Avelyn KayLee Grace in my arms, but because I can't, this gives me peace. Praise God. Hey all...get out and enjoy this weather this week!! May never have another July like this in our lifetimes (which who knows when that will be anyway). We have gone on 2 bike rides already this evening...just trying to take it all in. Wish we could do even more. Make time for this, friends. Live. Life. Now. 10:32 pm I am always missing my baby girl, but tonight I found myself thinking about her lots and really needing some time 'with her.' After we got the big girls to bed and Josh and I had some time to visit and relax together, I decided I would read for a bit then spend time 'with her'--looking at some of her pics. I read a book I received from some relatives titled "The Last Thing We Talk About."--I've been reading it, but tonight something really stood out to me. The author was talking about how he had a friend who was a Christian leader who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He said people all around the world were praying for this Christian leader and some of them "just knew he would be healed." Unfortunately, despite all the prayers, just like our sweet Avelyn, he was not. Then the author states "Death for the Christian should be a shout of triumph, through sorrow and tears, bringing glory to God--not a confused misunderstanding of the will of God to heal." It's been so hard knowing that God could heal our baby girl, but didn't. Josh and I have talked about God's sovereign will a lot recently, and I've come to realize that, as hard as it is, it was God's will, and that's that.--He knows what's best and "works for the good of those who love Him" Romans 8:28. It's still so hard for me knowing this, BUT as the book stated, I need to focus on "shouting of triumph," knowing my precious daughter is in heaven and there is NO doubt that I will see her again, because I know Christ as my Lord and Savior, as well. PRAISE GOD for this!!!
After reading a few chapters in the book, I began looking at pictures of our sweet Avelyn, spending time 'with her.' At times I cried, but it gave me so much comfort remembering the words I had just read...even though it wasn't God's will to heal her on earth, I need to "shout of triumph" because she is in heaven, happy & healthy.--Knowing this, it gave me so much peace looking at some of her pictures where she looks so swollen, just so uncomfortable.--NOT ANYMORE!! As always, tonight I think about meeting my baby girl again someday, THIS TIME HEALTHY, and I pray with her sisters too, spending eternity in heaven... 11:55pm
We did have one hiccup during the week. Wednesday, one of my normal days off, the big girls and I decided to go to the pool. We went later in the afternoon and my plan was to be there until about 5:30, come home and shower, eat dinner which would be ready in the crockpot, then have the big girls hit the sack. Well that didn't happen...so much for plans. :) We ended up having a side trip to Children's Mercy urgent care... At about 5:15, Aili and Brooklan were walking up the stairs to go down the family side; I was sitting with my feet in the pool on the other side of the slide, so I couldn't see the stairs. The next thing I see is Brooklan with Aili at the bottom of the stairs and Brooklan telling me Aili is hurt; she had slipped on the stairs. I jump in the pool and go grab her and I see blood, a cut on her chin, and once I get her out of the pool and look closer, it is apparent she will need stitches. I call Josh and we prepare to head to Children's Mercy. All ended up going very well. Brooklan was a big help; as we stopped at home for me to get changed and to get clothes for Aili, she ran out a snack for Aili and a couple stuffed animals for her too. :) Aili was great; she shed a few tears right after she fell and didn't shed another tear after that, even through the stitches. So proud of her. Aili now has 4 stitches on her chin and is taking full advantage; she is using the excuse that she needs medicine--so that she can get out of bed at night after we put her down; it worked on me last night, but not tonight. ;) Even though we were at a different Children's Mercy location on Wednesday, it brought back a lot of memories. The first thing I noticed that really took me back was the jacket the triage nurse had on...a jacket with a quote from Dr. Suess; a lot of nurses at Children's Mercy Downtown, where Avelyn was, had a jacket like this.--They were really promoting reading to your babies and they even gave a free Dr. Seuss book to each baby/family.--We were given "The Nose Book," so it was one of the books we read to Avelyn many times. :) As I sat there on Wednesday with Aili, I was reminded of the tremendous care we received while Avelyn was in the hospital. Such great nurses, doctors, social worker, cafeteria workers (one guy we met--Darryl-- was so positive), lactation consultant, respiratory therapists, child life specialists (who helped our big girls), chaplains, receptionists, nurse practitioners, and they even had a group of practioners called the PaCT team who were available to help with whatever/whenever you needed it, and probably many others I am forgetting too. So thankful for all the help we received...and more importantly all the love and care they were able to give our precious baby girl. Since Avelyn has passed, we have received personal cards from a few folks there and 2 of Avelyn's nurses even came to her memorial service. So thankful. It was so tough having our precious daughter go through something like Avelyn had to, but so much grief, stress, and worry was eased by knowing the care she received was backed by caring, loving hands & hearts. We were truly blessed by this. |
MicheleAvelyn's Mommy - Lover of Jesus - Receiver of God's GRACE Archives
September 2017
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