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Thankful for...

11/27/2014

Thanksgiving is a little different for us this year. Not only were we planning on it being our first Thanksgiving with our new baby girl. With our 3 girls. But our tradition with my side of the family has changed, as well. For the past several years we have gone to my older sister Angie's family's in Tulsa. We have always had such a great time there. So fun and relaxing and love being with family. A few months ago though her family moved back home to Goodland to be in a small town and be near my parents. So this year we are spending most of the holiday in Wichita with my younger sister Ashley's family. This works great because her husband is a firefighter and has to work today. Having it at her house allows her to be with family today while her hubby isn't home and for all of them to be with family tomorrow without having to travel in the morning. I have really been looking forward to this in Wichita for the same reasons I have enjoyed past Thanksgiving holidays in Tulsa. So thankful for family and being together. The major negative of all this and kink that got thrown in a couple weeks ago is that my older sister Angie and her husband are unable to be with us because she tore her ACL playing volleyball about a month ago and she had surgery in Denver on Tuesday. So they won't be able to be with us...but at least they will be together and she will be able to begin to heal in the peace and quiet, without her boys and all the cousins running circles around her. :) Today we are traveling from Wichita to Oklahoma City to see Josh's side of the family. We have made this part of our Thanksgiving tradition in recent years and love spending time with his family and extended family, as well. Relaxing and Fun and being TOGETHER. Besides Food, Feasts, Football, & Fellowship, there is something bigger: Family and being TOGETHER. :)

After I woke up today, for THANKSgiving day, I started to think about what would be the one thing I am MOST thankful for at this time in my life. I came to the conclusion, pretty quickly, exactly what that is. Recently God has really started to reveal something to me. I am thankful He has helped me to realize that despite the purpose He has for me on this earth and that He calls me to 'Let your light shine before others' (Matthew 5:16) while here, He has helped me to realize this isn't all there is. There is something bigger. There is something even better. This life is short and I am called to give it my all and Let My Light Shine while I am here, but Eternity is awaiting when He calls me heavenward. Hopefully this won't happen until decades from now, but if it happens today, tomorrow, whenever it happens, I am not fearful. I am ready. I pray you will welcome this invitation from Christ as well, to accept Him as your Savior. He has died for us. He has died for you. So that you aren't fearful, so you are ready. So you are able to live in full peace on this earth. Not a peace guaranteeing you relief from physical pain or mental distress or emotional anguish, but an inner peace that is not known in any other way than when you have a relationship with Christ, knowing what awaits you when this earth leaves you. A place where God promises, as I have been reading in Revelation, no more pain. No more sorrow. No more death. No more tears because He wipes them away. So as thankful as I am this Thanksgiving for all the F's (food, feasts, fun, fellowship, and most of all family and being together), there is something I am even more thankful for. The realization that when it is my time, He is awaiting to receive me in His arms. For Eternity. And I'm hoping I will someday see all of you there with me. As beautiful in SO many ways that this Thanksgiving day is today here on earth, all of it will be even better in His Light. In His Kingdom. In Heaven. With Him. Praying all this is together with you, my family, my friends. Happy Thanksgiving to each of you. May God Bless you today and if you haven't already, may you also realize His hand is held out and ready to hold yours, too. Giving you inner Peace now and Guaranteed Hope for Eternity.

A Major Landmark 'for Me'

11/6/2014

8:05am Happy 6 Month Birthday my sweet Avelyn. I think about you every day, multiple times a day, often every hour, every minute, every second of every day...often on my mind and always in my heart. Our Sunshine. I see you and feel you in so many things. As I type right now with the sun beating down onto the window beside me, I am having to lean to the side at times in order to allow myself to actually see without your brightness, the 'Son's' brightness blinding my eyes. You are always here; He is always here--I know and feel you and His presence more than ever. Since a few days after your memorial service, I have taken a picture of the sky and/or the Sunshine every day...I have only missed one day and I know you were shining brightly that day because we were all at the pool, truly enjoying the sun and it's heat. :) That's A lot of pictures. Needless to say, I have some beautiful pictures...and some days multiple pictures I can't even try to pare down because they are ALL SO beautiful. It's crazy because even on those rainy days or gloomy, dreary, dark days, I have always been able to find a glimpse of you shining at some point in the day. Always. You are an angel for our Lord and Savior now, but there is no doubt He is sharing you with me. Every day. At Sonrise. At Sonset. Every day. I must say, my photo gallery on my phone quickly becomes filled with your presence, as well, with all the pictures I take. :) Typically the most beautiful pictures I get are of the sunrise, sunset, or when the sun is surrounded by or peeking through some white puffy clouds. Today, there are no clouds. I see and feel your presence purely, brightly on me...I literally feel the heat as your sunshine bursts through the window to my left. Although I can't see because of your brightness at times as I type, I love it. ;) Celebrating your 6 month arrival. Yesterday at work, someone from the registration area at the hospital came into our department with a vase full of beautiful roses. As she walked over and handed them to me, I knew they were from your Daddy. As I opened up the card, the one word written on it confirmed this. ILYNA (I Love You Now & Always), our saying. One of my co-workers asked if it was our anniversary, and because it was not, the Mom in me immediately thought he sent them to me to celebrate you, to honor you on your 6 month birthday; and as my co-worker pointed out, there were 6 roses. Later Josh told me the card was also supposed to say "Just Because;" he hadn't even thought about the landmark coming up. He felt bad because he meant for the flowers to bring only a big smile to my face, not the tears, as well. But as a Mom, we just think about these dates, these landmarks. I've had this day on my mind, in my heart for awhile now.

Yesterday I was putting Aili's recently taken 5 year old pictures in her 4 x 10 frame on our picture wall. Each 4 x 10 picture consists of 3 poses/images from whatever landmark birthday we were celebrating at the time, and I always keep the previous years pictures in the frame behind the current pictures. As I placed Aili's 5 year old 4 x 10 in the frame, I then began flipping through all the prior years pics, marveling at how she has grown and just loving the joy I saw in her face in each picture. 4 years old, 3 years old, 2 years old, 18 months, 1 year old, 9 months old, and even though I knew it would be there, I didn't even think about it, her 6 month pictures. Aili had an enormous smile on her face in each of these six month pics. She smiled a lot as a baby.--We have a friend that still calls her 'Smiley' because of this. With Avelyn not here, it's hard to know what she would be like today, but seeing Aili's big, cheesy smiles gave me a glimpse of her. Oddly enough I didn't cry this time, just a small smile. Missing her, but knowing she IS smiling, bigger than any of us ever imagined a smile could be.

There are so many uncertain things in this earthly world. Today I have a friend mourning the loss of her father, killed in a car accident -not his fault - gone long before his time. This friend has already lost her mom to cancer. Unimaginable. So many things on this earth we can't control. We go through so many things in this life - some minor, some major. This earthly life is just not fair. In fact, a month or two ago I told Brooklan and Aili we are no longer to use this phrase 'no fair' in our home. It's a given. It's NOT fair. And by no means do I pretend to understand any of it. We are in our last week of our Beth Moore Thessalonians bible study. The first lesson this week talks about prayer, focusing on the 'receiving' portion, not the 'achieving' portion of prayer. These past few months I have relied on this, not telling God 'I need this or I want that'--trying to achieve things, but asking Him to help me feel His Holy Spirit, feel His presence, receiving Him. Ironically, and most likely by God's divine plan, this week in my Hope devotional is on hope, and today's reading 'coincidentally' had a similar message about prayer; it was titled 'More than Wishful Thinking.' The prayer at the end of today's lesson says: "Faith Giver, so often I settle for the uncertainty of seeking what I want when I want it, and I'm left disappointed. Show me what it means to place all my confidence in You. Fill me with the assurance that my greatest hopes and dreams are fulfilled in You, even when I can't see it for myself." I don't understand the way God works OR why. So many things we don't understand in this life. As Nathan Stiles' dad told me one of the verses he has relied on since his son passed is in Proverbs 3: 5 "...lean not on your own understanding" and lately in life group we have talked a lot about Isaiah 55: 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." We may not understand, but God also promises in Romans 8:28 that He "works for the good of those who love him." Have I mentioned I love this verse...I rely on this verse? Even though sometimes I don't understand His ways, have cried out to Him and He hasn't answered the way I wanted, been so saddened by the things He has planned at times in this life, and been so angry with Him at other times, I can say with all that I am that I still "love Him" and I am SO thankful He has been right by my side to help me through all this. And I am even more thankful this life isn't al there is for me, for us, for those that "love Him."--He has bigger and better plans for us. Salvation. Eternal life. Which will no longer involve this pain. Hurt. Loss. - All the things we don't understand now. All of that GONE. Finally all things beautiful. Forever.

As I have shifted now from where I sat earlier when starting this post (as my 5 year old has me moving lots ;) ), I now stare at the roses Josh sent me. They represent so much. My husband's love for me. 6 roses for our baby girl's 6 month birthday and just now as I think about it, delicate 'baby's breath' surrounding the roses; wow, what a thought. And the beauty of the whole arrangement - from His creation - put together gives me peace, peace I can only get from Him, peace that my daughter is now healthy, in His arms, in His presence. Smiling.

Heartbreaking Losses

11/1/2014

12:09am For a lot of us in the Kansas City area...and for Royals fans everywhere, it's been a fun October. We've been on a ride that many of us either don't recall in our lifetime or our 'lifetime' just hasn't been long enough yet to enjoy a 'Blue October,' as they call it. What a journey the Royals have allowed us to be a part of. Such fun watching them play; in my opinion a fun style of baseball to watch...seeing them steal bases and have to help each other out to hit each other home. True teamwork. And it's been so much fun at work or church or even at the grocery store or other random places speaking with complete strangers about how well they are doing. And, we've had some great times together as a family watching them play as well.--Things like this can bring families together. Such joyous times. In fact Wednesday night, the night of game 7 of the World Series, we were scheduled to have our women's bible study, the Beth Moore study we have been doing on Thessalonians. Bible study was scheduled to start right about game time and I really wanted to be able to watch the game with our girls before bedtime. BUT, I felt bad skipping bible study for a (silly) game. However a dear friend (our pastor's wife in fact ;) ) made a great point; she said it's not silly because these types of things bring families closer together, and God wants that!! So, I was able to do both. Our friend leading the study came in early so some of us could watch the video portion, then I was able to get home before game time to be able to watch the game with our whole family. Fun times. :) So I'm wondering how many people--those that are Royals fans...or at least those rooting for them in the World Series, just KNEW they were going to come back and win that game? The way they played in the post-season, had so many comebacks, so many extra innings wins, I just knew they were going to come back...and I think a very high percentage of people felt the same way I did. But it didn't happen, not the way we all thought it would. Another game comes to mind, as well, when I think about all this; one that Kansas City folks weren't near as interested in as I was (at least not for the team I was cheering for ;) ).--A few months ago, my dear Broncos had a similar circumstance. In the Super Bowl (I have since tried to forget), I just knew they were going to come back. We have Peyton Manning on our team for goodness sake; I just knew we were going to make a comeback. In the end though, not even a miracle game with Tim Tebow behind center could have helped us overcome that deficit. ;) Two BIG games. Both such heartbreaking losses.

Yesterday was Halloween, and leading up to this day--preparing the girls' costumes, I was pondering these events and something else came to mind. A few months ago, in February of this year, Josh and I decided to take a family trip to Disneyworld. I had never been, our big girls had never been, and we figured before a new little one entered our world, it would be a great time to go. In preparation for this, we thought it would be fun to surprise the girls with the trip. We bought them princess dresses from the movie Frozen and after they tried them on the night before our trip, we surprised them by telling them where we would be going the next morning. When I bought the princess dresses, Elsa for Brooklan and Anna for Aili, there was further reasoning behind it. Since I was 24 weeks pregnant, I thought it would be fun to have the girls also wear these costumes later in the year for Halloween and our soon to be baby girl could be the snowman Olaf from the movie. Fun plans we came up with months ago, which made it harder preparing for Halloween these past few days. What's crazy is that leading up to Halloween, Brooklan decided she didn't want to be Elsa. Since we had already spent money on this costume, I told Brooklan if she didn't want to be Elsa, she needed to come up with her own costume--one that would require no more money be spent. She agreed and as she thought about it, she decided she wanted to be an angel. When I asked her why, I can't even remember her answer, but it had nothing to do with her youngest sister now being one. :) She was able to come up with the costume, with the help of borrowing a dress from a friend, and finding a halo, shoes, and butterfly wings - turned into angel wings--all in our dress up bin downstairs. As she tried everything on the night before Halloween, it all came together beautifully. And of course when I saw her in it, I saw our baby girl...and I'm sure our baby girl was watching us too. :)

As I think about all these things the past few months...and the biggest loss of our life sandwiched between that Super Bowl loss and that World Series loss, it really helps me put life, and so many things with it, into perspective. As I watched that World Series game, I just knew I was predicting the outcome.--A ninth inning comeback in Royals fashion to celebrate a beautiful end to the season. And as I watched that Super Bowl a few months ago, I just kept thinking, 'we're gonna come back, we're gonna come back...' But unfortunately neither event happened as I predicted. But as I saw our oldest daughter in her near last minute, put together angel costume, it gave me so much peace to know exactly where our sweet Avelyn is. I have no doubt about this one. I KNOW the outcome of this one - no doubt about it. As our video from our Thessalonians study on Wednesday stated: "...in the secular view, time goes...we are always waiting for the next thing--what time is it, when do we need to leave for this, or when do we need to stop doing this so we can go to that, or make sure to set a timer or alarm so we don't miss that..." VS. "...in the biblical view, time comes--it is already set, God already knows the outcome." In Avelyn's album I made, one of the pages shows her room at Children's Mercy; the bed she slept in, her name sign that her nurse Kristyn made her, all the pictures her big sisters made her...and in the middle of the page I wrote "Your Temporary Home." I was hoping the hospital would be her temporary home before she came home to us, but as it turned out, it was the same temporary home we all have. This earth. Through this loss I have suffered, a stronger faith I have gained. God has pulled me in and taught me so much. As the book we are reading in life group has helped to teach me, a book given to Josh & I by our brother-in-law Jay Dee, I am 'Trusting God' (a book by Jerry Bridges) more and more...despite our circumstances, our loss(es), our daily challenges, our plans not working the way we pictured them working, just life here on this earth. Even though I can't predict the end result of major (or any) sporting events...or simple things in life like what crazy outfit my 5 year old will pick to wear to church tomorrow...or more major things like where we will live 10 years from now, there's one thing I do know. Time is coming to me. The Time will come. As Beth Moore stated in the video on Wednesday, there are 3 distinct time periods: (1) Now, then (2) A Little While, then (3) When Jesus is Revealed. We all are and will experience all 3 of these. I know where I will be when Jesus is revealed. I will appear with Him in His Glory. I know my precious Avelyn will be there. And I pray you, my friend, will be there as well. I know this outcome. And I praise God for this.

One major loss. And a faith that continues to be gained...

Thankful for...

A Major Landmark 'for Me'

Heartbreaking Losses

Michele

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