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In Yellow (for Our Sunshine) Again...

9/28/2014

 
11:02pm     Apparently every year Children's Mercy Hospital has a Celebration of Life Memorial Service for all those families who have lost loved ones. They invite all families who have lost a child that year or any time prior. I'm sure many families have attended each annual celebration since their loved one has passed. This year it was at the Sheraton Crown Center Hotel. Josh, Brooklan, Aili, and I, as well as Josh's parents were able to attend for our first time, to honor Avelyn. Lots and lots of families were there. They encouraged you to send a picture in of your child, as they had a slide show of all the precious children we were honoring. The service was put together beautifully. Unfortunately I had a hard time focusing because of our rambunctious 4 year old, but what I did catch was very good. :) My favorite part, besides being there with our family to honor our baby girl, was releasing butterflies (they had given each family) outside at the end of the service. I will post a couple pics of this. And it was an absolutely gorgeous, beautiful day to release the precious butterflies into/to be with Our Sunshine. :)

Since I last wrote, God continues to show me how much I need to WALK with Him. Last week, as I mentioned, this was discussed in the Beth Moore study I am doing, with some ladies at our church, on 1 & 2 Thessalonians. This week, the exact same theme was in my Hope devotional book; just to name a couple of the lesson titles..."Listening for the Footsteps of God" and "Walking with God." Hmmm...maybe a hint since all of these lessons have come less than a week apart? Yes, a big one. ;) I am only doing the Beth Moore study bc I felt as though the Holy Spirit had prompted me to do it, despite feeling busy enough with other things (including doing my Hope devotional book daily, trying to read other books to help me through, and of course trying to keep up with our big girls and their activities and all of life's other daily challenges)...but yes, something told me I needed to do it. :) And out of the 365 day Hope devotional book (yes, one for every day of the year), the theme of 'walking with God' JUST SO HAPPENS to fall just a few short days after it hits me square in the face with the other bible study I am doing. Coincidence? I think not. :) My Hope devotional takes it a bit further by also talking about how GOD WANTS TO WALK WITH US. Matthew 28:20 states "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." The writer talks about how God has 'a relentless pursuit' of us.. 'wanting to walk with you through whatever you face.' She mentions how

'so many people see the Bible as a book of moral teaching used to shore up our good behavior. But the Bible, from beginning to end, is a story of God extending Himself, lowering Himself, sacrificing Himself, so that you and I can know and experience the fulfillment of a relationship with Him, the satisfaction and safety of His very presence.'

Not only should I walk with Him, but He wants to WALK WITH ME, too!! And as we talked about in our group at bible study on Wednesday, it's a darn good thing He's right there beside me because sometimes I need Him to carry me! Have you ever heard the Footprints poem, when sometimes we see only one set of footprints in the sand...His?!?! Thank goodness for this...as I have needed Him to carry me a lot lately.

Right as we arrived at the Celebration of Life Service today, we signed in and they handed each parent a small decorative rock with a word on it. Some of the words on different rocks that they handed out included love, wish, friend, dream, etc. The one they handed me said 'Faith.' This one word definitely encompasses how we have gotten through the past few months. Faith that our baby girl is resting in the arms of Jesus, as well as dancing, singing, and playing in heaven. And Faith that He will continue to see us through as we continue to WALK with Him. Thank you God for helping me walk with you in Faith, and thank you for giving me the faith knowing that you are walking with me too. FAITH. The 'Rock' I need today, yesterday, tomorrow, always.
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Strollers. Walking.

9/20/2014

 
10:59pm     The past few years our family has enjoyed going to the Spring Hill Fall Festival. Some of the years my family from Goodland has been in town and that is always super fun. This year we walked in the parade with our brothers and sisters in Christ, our friends from our church - Life Spring. I always love doing this because it's fun being with friends, but also because of all the people we get to see along the way - friends and strangers. As a church we hand out water bottles so we get to interact, if even just for a few seconds, with so many people. I love it. Today right as we were getting out of our car, right away we saw a friend with her near 2 year old in his stroller. And that was the first of many. Strollers, strollers everywhere. Even though my heart felt it, all along my mind kept saying to me 'don't go there.' I wanted to be there with Avelyn. Pushing her in her stroller. Smiling at her. Loving on her. Enjoying the parade with her as we walked down the main street of Spring Hill. Thankfully the Lord my God kept my focus on Him. Because I know He "works for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:28)--This helps me so much to think of this.

I just finished week 2, day 3 of a Beth Moore Bible study we are doing through our women's ministry in church. It is called 'Children of the Day (Light)' and is on 1 & 2 Thessalonians; it has been great thus far. Today it talked about our walk with God. Haha. Funny..."walk." Lots of 'walking' today. :) It mentions that 'To walk before Him' (like it mentions so many times in the Bible) means to 'live continually God aware.' I loved how it put this. This is exactly what I am trying to do right now . I need to do this. I have to do this. Being continually God aware. It's my way of surviving these days. Of making it. Of taking my next step. By God's grace, His strength, your prayers, I am able to do this. Praise God. I am so thankful I have Him. I am in Him. He is in me. In the study it talks about a verse I've read probably hundreds of times before, but today I looked at it in a whole new 'light.' Matthew 7:7-8 says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." In the past I have always looked at these verses as God giving me something I need. Or want. In that case, why wasn't my daughter healed?? I asked!!! ...Oh how I asked. I begged. I pleaded. On hands and knees...I prayed. I cried out. But now, I truly feel in these verses He is talking about seeking Him. Finding Him. Do this and He will be there. Step One: if you don't already Know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, ask for Him and He will be there!! Step Two: once you've done this, ask for Him to be with you constantly and He will be. Thank goodness. This is exactly what I need now. And He is providing it for me. Thank goodness. As I walked today, He helped me 'walk' with Him. Keeping my eyes on Him. Not back. Not forward. But UP on Him. Another verse has really resonated with me lately. Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us." I may be suffering here, but because I have asked, He is with me. He is helping me through...as I await the glory He will reveal to me in heaven...when I meet Him face to face, when I meet my baby girl--my angel.

Thank you for helping me walk with God. Your prayers continue to help me. I pray if you are not walking with God, that you will ask Him now, seek Him now, knock for the door to open NOW. He will be there!! I pray we will all walk with God now. Always. To eternity. Together.

Our First Date. :)

9/13/2014

 
12:27am     It's been a long 4 months. Ups and downs...or maybe not 'ups,' but at least some somewhat normal happy times. And in some ways it actually seems as though those 4 months went by so quickly...that they weren't 'long.' One thing is for sure, it's been a long time since Josh & I have been able to have a night just to go on a 'date' and just hang out. It seems as though we have been extremely busy with the normal stresses of life, with the added mental and emotional roller coaster the past 4 months have brought. We had a good night. Our main goal was just to talk and enjoy each other without other distractions. Our big girls got to spend the evening with Josh's parents and brother, so I'm sure they had a wonderful time.

Josh and I talked about all kinds of things. It was so nice. We talked about so many things unrelated to Avelyn and also lots of things about Avelyn as well. Josh mentioned and I agreed that we wish we could go back a few months...back to when we were expecting the arrival of our 3rd daughter and about how we longed to see her again. Just to go back to room D 38 to see her again. It had been at least since Avelyn was born since we had been out together - just the two of us, so it was much needed and much appreciated. We are back home now and I am already looking forward to seeing our big girls in the morning. Already miss them. :) Aili has her first ever soccer game (on a team that Josh is coaching) tomorrow morning, so that will be fun.

Josh asked tonight if I ever felt guilty about 'moving on' since Avelyn has passed. I think some, yes, no doubt. But not fully. I know that is what Avelyn would want. This is what God wants too. To try to keep pressing on and to Let Our Light Shine. And I will never really, truly, completely 'move on' from Avelyn. She will always be at the forefront of my mind. Always remembering her. Thinking about her often. Always a part of me. She is our angel...sitting on my shoulder. :) I guess one if our daughters was with us tonight...and we enjoyed every minute of it. :) We are blessed and thankful God gave us this time together...

'Overcomer' - roles reversed

9/10/2014

 
10:50 pm     As I sat today eating a late lunch, the song 'Overcomer' by Mandisa came on. Everytime I hear this song, it takes me back to those few, too short, days I spent with our baby girl. Shortly after I was released from the hospital and could no longer sleep just down the hall from Avelyn, I was at home and late one night I was having a hard time. As I sat there, everyone else already asleep, God told me to turn on the radio. As I scanned the Christian radio stations, the song 'Overcomer' came on. I believe I have mentioned it before, but this song really resonated with me...and I NEEDED to hear it--at that moment because of the line "cause God is holdin' you right now." I wasn't holding my baby girl at that moment, but God wanted me to know that He was!! :) After this moment, I began singing this song to Avelyn, probably multiple times per day. She was our 'Overcomer.' A fighter. Giving it all she had. If you haven't heard the song, I encourage you to listen to it. :)

As I sat at our kitchen table today, I heard our baby girl singing this same song to me. Roles reversed. Now my 4 month old is singing to me. :) The song I had sang to her so many times, she was now singing to me...now it's her song to me. God is holding me and will help get us through this tough, wishing no one ever had to go through this, situation.

"You're an overcomer. Stay in the fight til the final round. You're not goin' under, cause God is holdin' you right now. You might be down for a moment, feeling like it's hopeless, that's when He reminds you, you're an overcomer."

I went to a new bible study series tonight. I'm excited about it; it's going to be a great one (not that any of them are bad)...but I just think it's coming at a good time in my life's circumstances (don't they all??). :) After I got home and was thinking about the study, I realized, 'I've gotta keep up with my daughter. She's so much wiser than me. She knows all of this already...my 4 month old daughter knows so much more than her Mommy. As I thought about this, I don't know if this crossed my mind because it was like a challenge to me, a motivation for me, a way to feel like I am getting not only closer to God but also closer to our daughter, or just a way to make me smile -knowing my daughter is with God and knows Him SO well now. :)

I now truly see our daughter as our guardian angel. Just as God does, she is looking out for us, taking care of us, telling me I am an 'Overcomer,' telling me...motivating me to get into God's Word more. I am so thankful I am able to feel her, to hear her in things like this, as well as continue to see her in God's beautiful world.

Thank you my precious daughter. I love you SO much. I pray I am able to keep my eyes and ears open to moments like this, as I sense you, God, and His Holy Spirit. Hugs and kisses and squeezes to you.

Happy 4 Month Birthday Sweet Girl

9/7/2014

 
8:45pm    Last night, actually early this morning around 1am, I was sitting out on our back porch enjoying a beautiful night--and nature, where I now experience and feel our sweet Avelyn. I had been on the front porch, but when I heard an owl, what sounded like behind us, I headed to the back porch. I heard it a few more times when I was first back there, then it was silent. The stars were beautiful. There is one star that Josh and I have picked out that really make us think of Avelyn; it is small, but bright, seems to change colors, and twinkles in the night. Last night as I was getting ready to go in, something told me to stay out a little longer. As I sat there I noticed a cluster of little stars right in front of me. These stars were super tiny, but seemed like they were dancing in the sky, moving all around. As I sat there, I realized Avelyn would be 4 months old today. This didn't help. As I sat there and tried to soak her in more and more and more, the tears flowed. It's just so hard when I think about where we 'should' be. As hard as these moments are, I feel I still need them, reaching out to my baby girl, continuing to grieve, missing her so much, wishing she was here. As hard as this was and continues to be, those little dancing twinkling stars made me picture her in heaven, dancing with her new little friends, experiencing life with no worries, no problems, no pain. Just simply loving it. This helps me know at least she is happy. :) After spending quite a bit longer outside, I stood, closed my eyes, soaked everything in a bit longer, then headed back toward the door. After I opened my eyes, I heard one last hoot from the owl as if my baby girl was saying 'goodnight.' :) As I went to bed, I grabbed Avelyn's blanket that often covered her in the NICU, snuggled with it, and closed my eyes. When I awoke this morning, I was in the same position I had laid down in. As I sat up, the soft, pink blanket was stuck under me and I had to give it a slight tug to untwist myself from it.--I feel like I always have at least a little bit of Avelyn that I am surrounded by like this, surrounded in, experiencing. I hope this never changes. Love, love, love my baby girl. Keep dancing sweet girl. Hope you enjoyed your 4 month bday in heaven. :)

If I Would Have Known...

9/5/2014

 
8:35am   As Aili is still sleeping this morning, I have been able to enjoy a beautiful morning outside...soaking up God's word and soaking up my sunshine. Love experiencing God's creation, as I continue to feel my daughter's presence, as I enjoy it. As I was sitting on our front porch this morning, I was thinking back to our time with Avelyn. I thought about those 16 short days. I thought about how I really didn't ever give a serious thought to the fact that she might not make it. Talking to Josh, I think he did because he had done more research on hydrops, but I didn't. Had no clue. Didn't give it a thought. And didn't want to. Didn't even really cross my mind until one day one of the doctors mentioned the word "survive," but immediately after he said it, I thought "no, not my daughter, there's NO possibility she won't 'survive,' that's just ridiculous." Even the day before she passed when we were in the Care Team Meeting with all those doctors and health care professionals and they told us "we don't think she's going to make it," I continued to believe our God would heal her. Even though I still had hope and put my full trust in God that He would heal her, I suppose it was at that moment that I finally came to the realization that it was at least a possibility that she may not make it. What if I would have known this the whole time? What if I would have known our precious baby girl, that I gave birth to and 'spent' almost 9 months with, would only live 16 short days? Would I have done things differently??? As I thought about this, another realization hit me...I pondered these other thoughts in my head: What if we knew our time would be cut short here on this earth...if we each would go 'long before our time'...?? And it hit me. Bam. It will be...we will! For all of us. Our days are numbered. Whether it's 16 days or 116 years. It is short. Not long-lasting. Not eternal. Not eternity.

Shortly after Avelyn passed a friend of mine, who has also lost a child, sent me this saying:

"They say that time in heaven is compared to "the blink of an eye" for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."

This brings 2 thoughts to my mind. First, I'm hoping Avelyn doesn't miss me. I truly feel she is now our guardian angel, looking out for us, but I hope she doesn't miss me. Thankfully she is too busy enjoying heaven. :) Second, my time here on this earth is short. I will be in heaven--with her--before I know it. And if you know Jesus, and how He died for YOU, you will too. And I pray this is the case...

My devotional this morning was titled "Protection for Your Soul." It talked about how there is no doubt God protects us, but He is concerned first and fore-most about protecting our soul. The first verse it mentioned was Matthew 10:28. Jesus is talking to His disciples, getting ready to send them out to share God's word, to find the 'lost,' to heal the sick. After giving them some of these instructions in the beginning of chapter 10, in verse 28 he says, "Don't be afraid of those who want to kill you. They can only kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell." Then the author of the devotional states "they can 'only' kill my body? And this should be a relief to me?" Ha! The authors comment made me laugh. So true. A relief? As ridiculous and as sarcastic as this sounds, Yes. Yes it should be a relief...at least vs. the opposing option which is eternity in hell - for both body and soul. I feel like I'm finally starting to get it. I feel like I've known this, it's just hitting me harder now. So much importance is put on things of this earth; I do it ALL the time. And things are important here, just not as important as we probably think they are. And for sure not as important, not even close, to the importance of making sure we will spend eternity with Him, our God, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Knowing this, learning this has been a process for me, and it will continue to be. But when God takes your daughter, it changes your perspective. As much as I miss our Avelyn KayLee Grace - and this will NEVER stop, I'm so thankful he puts more importance on our life with Him than our life here on earth. Because she is there for eternity, FOR-EV-ER, and compared to that, we are here - for only "the blink of an eye."

So would I have done things differently 'If I Would Have Known...?' I hope not. I really do hope not. I hope I gave my daughter all the love she needed and wanted the few short days she was here on this earth. This brings tears to my eyes because I hope I packed a lot of love on those quick, short 16 days. What about my big girls? Am I showing them enough love?  Giving them enough of my time? And the more important question...am I teaching them about God? About God's love? About how much God loves them? About how they need to accept Him...to ask Him into their lives? - Because yes, I want to show them all the love and give them all the time they want and need here on this earth, but oh how much more I want ALL of us to spend eternity in heaven together, with our baby girl, with their sister, with our angel Avelyn. :)



    Michele

    Avelyn's Mommy - Lover of Jesus - Receiver of God's GRACE

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