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Rain & Sunshine filled 1st Birthday 'Celebration'

5/8/2015

 
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It was a beautiful day. Actually a perfect day - all things considered.—I was able to see my Sunshine through the clouds (I got some great pictures - with the sun shining even through the rain) and we also got to dance in the rain. Couldn’t have asked for a more perfect day of weather.—It so represents all we have felt this past year. Sunshine & rain. Avelyn’s birthday cake was also perfect. Thanks Jenn! We were able to sing happy birthday to Avelyn, and of course enjoy some cake and ice cream, too. :) Thank you for your prayers. I actually held it together very well all day.--Your prayers have apparently helped with this the past year more than I’ve known; Aili, who is typically very observant, told me this morning everyone cries, but “I never heard Mommy & Daddy cry.” So, thank you. :)  I think it’s okay for her to see us cry – and I told her mommies & daddies do cry; but for her to say this, gives me peace knowing she hasn’t noticed us being in this ‘state’ for long periods of time.

It was a good day yesterday. My co-workers were very sweet while I was @ work.—Talking about Avelyn and sharing a little, but not over-whelming; very appreciative of all this. Before dinner, Josh, the girls, & I went to Brooklan’s school for the science/art/book fair night for a little while because Brooklan really wanted to do this; it was neat seeing the kids’ projects. When we got home, I just kind of had an empty feeling; I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have any ideas for dinner and I didn’t know how our evening should go. I’ve never done this before. I knew we had the cake, but what else? And how was that supposed to work? Josh so graciously offered to take on dinner. So thankful for this. I decided to sit out on the back porch, and when I did light raindrops began to fall. Perfect. God is starting to plan our evening for us. Time to enjoy the rain. :) I’ve always loved the rain, but this love grew more when God sat me on our front porch for a few minutes - around 2am in the early morning of May 23rd - to enjoy the peaceful rain before we got the call from one of Avelyn’s doctors, letting us know she wasn’t doing well; her blood pressure kept dropping. ‘Peaceful Rain’ I believe is what I titled the post about this almost a year ago. Before we got that call, I had actually taken pictures of the rain, from our front porch, those wee hours of the morning because it was so peaceful; God knew I would need these moments – to feel this peace – before we headed to the hospital to spend – what we didn’t know at the time – would be our last day on this earth with our baby girl. So that’s why the rain, especially a peaceful, light rain means even more to me now. Enjoy that rain, friends. As my friend Ashley says, dance in it. :)

While Josh was cooking, the girls & I went out to enjoy the peaceful rain. We took the girls' Hello Kitty umbrella with us just for kicks & because the girls think it is fun. :) We didn’t use it much, but it was still super fun when we did.  The girls were swinging (Brooklan made a ‘built-in umbrella’ above her swing; not sure how well that worked! :) ),we all ran around in the rain, and Aili started going down the slide – then later she convinced me to go with her. :) That was an adventure!—The combo of slick scrub pants and a wet surface, makes for one fast trip down the slide! Who needs Schlitterbahn or Oceans of Fun with that combo?!?! At least that’s how I felt after Aili and I flew down that thing. And of course we did it more than once. ;)

After dinner we opened Avelyn’s cake Jenn had made; we kept it hidden up to this point, so that was super fun and such a special moment. We sang to our baby girl, then we ate up. Enjoying each other, and of course enjoying the cake & ice cream, too. :) I made it through and was truly able to enjoy it.—No doubt it was your prayers and God’s strength helping me through. I think it was super special for our big girls, which made it even that much better for me, too.

God continued to help me through the rest of the night; He kept me super busy. For the past month, each time I check the mail for registrations for our Let Your Light Shine run—or get some that someone has left in Brooklan’s folder or in our front door or on our front porch :), I try to enter them in the computer as soon as possible. We started the day yesterday with 62 people registered. After spending lots of time with it last night & a little time this morning, we are now at exactly 100! Wow. PraiseGod! I know we have at least a few more coming in, as well. That’s a lot of children’s bibles. :) Thank you!!!

After being up extremely late the night before, I was super tired. Josh had just gotten home from bible study and working out and was resting on the couch, so I went in and laid on his lap. A perfect place to fall asleep. Thank you for your prayers friends. Thank you for the cards, your registrations, for simply loving on & caring for us. Everything means so much. You each have your own ways of helping us. Thank you for carrying us through. It will be a tough month. On my way back from Muffins with Moms this morning at Brooklan’s school, I was thinking that exactly a year ago, I was wheeling myself down the hall early in the morning to go spend time with our Sweet Avelyn. I will always cherish those moments. I was even able to do this on Mother’s Day last year, as it was my last morning as a patient in the hospital. Such special times. Love on your little ones, your big ones, your grandkids – whoever the children are in your life. Snuggle with them. I had a thought the other night for any young moms out there. I was snuggling with Aili before bed – actually after she was supposed to be in bed asleep – but always seems to convince me to come back in to snuggle with her more, and this thought came upon me… Sometimes I’m thinking ‘really Aili…do you really need me to come back in again?’ Then the Spirit told me to “fast forward a few years – 10 years, 15 years…act as though you are holding your daughter then…how much more do you want to enjoy this moment NOW?” So try it –especially you young moms, as your hugging, snuggling, & holding the children in your life, fast forward a few years, then see how much more precious those hugs, those snuggles at this moment become. EnJOY.


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LOVE the cake Jenn made. Just perfect. A huge Sunshine as well as Avelyn's name written/shining on the clouds. :)
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Love the sun & it's rays bursting through the clouds here, with small raindrop spots @ the bottom of the picture indicating the sun still shines - bursts through - even in the rain.

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As I was sitting in my car waiting to pick up Brooklan from running club, I took this picture while raindrops were falling on my arm.
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Look @ that Sunshine in the shape of a star, shining even through the rain.
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Another pic with a zoomed-in look @ that Sunshine 'star.'

Letter to my Baby Girl on her 1st Birthday

5/7/2015

 
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12:25 am

To my sweet Avelyn KayLee Grace ~

Happy 1st Birthday baby girl. It is officially here. May 7th. Exactly a year ago, your Daddy & I - your big pregnant Mommy - traveled to Children's Mercy for an early morning appt for you. The sono specialist/physician on May 5th had noticed possible fluid on your heart and he recommended you have an echocardiogram to "rule this out." This appt was set up for May 7th @ 8am - and never in our wildest dreams did we think you would be arriving just a few short hours after this. Immediately after they delivered you via C-section and you were stabilized, they wheeled me in to see you. I later realized you already had tubes & wires hooked up to you, but at that moment I didn't see any of them. All I remember is me reaching for your hand, holding your hand, then you turning to look at me - opening your eyes to see me as you heard my voice. Little did I know this would be one of only a few times you would be able to open your eyes; your little body was so swollen you weren't able to do this easily. This fact makes this moment even that much more precious; that by the sound of my voice, you opened those heavy, swollen eyes and turned to look at me, your Mommy. This moment is so precious to me; thankfully one of your sweet nurses took pictures of this moment, but even without them, I will always have this moment engrained in my head, and in my heart. At that moment and for the next 2 weeks the thought never, ever crossed my mind that we would have to say goodbye to you only 16 short days later. It wasn't until the day before you found yourself in heaven that I finally realized this was a possibility.

On the evening of your 16th day, just before you found yourself in heaven, another moment I will always have in my mind and cherish in my heart is the picture of your Daddy holding you, looking at you intently, singing & talking to you - and as the picture shows - a tear glistening down his cheek. We were taking all of this in for a few minutes before the doctor came back in to check on you again and at that exact time stated you were gone. As hard as this moment was and as much as I was sobbing, I love this precious picture because you went from being alive - lying in your Daddy's arms, enjoying his presence, his voice, his love - immediately into your heavenly Father's arms - enjoying His presence, His voice, His love. Hard for us. Freedom for you.

We are going to try our best to celebrate you today. Just a small celebration with me, your daddy, & your sisters. Where God has led us since you were born has been quite the journey. A roller coaster full of ups & downs. Missing you with all that we are & at the same time seeing, hearing, and feeling the impact of the short life you did live and the lasting impact you are making from your seat high above us all. This impact has been on me - your Mommy, on your Daddy, on friends & family who have shared stories with us, and as my new friend Kim put it today - on many others down the road we will probably never even realize. Our Avelyn SonShine Journey is well underway and we are hoping and praying the children's bibles - God's Word in stories, will change lives for Him.

I am so thankful for our friend Jenn who graciously offered to make a cake for you for your 1st birthday. She admitted she didn't know what to say/ask, how to say it, or even is she should, but I had been thinking about this, and her timing couldn't have been better. Praise God. So tonight we will put 3 candles on your cake - one for you and one for each of your sisters. We will celebrate you. I'm not sure how I will do or where my emotions will be; I pray I can keep it together for your sisters' sake. One thing I do know, you're having a beautiful party in heaven today, bigger & better than any party any of us here on earth will ever have. Knowing you are happy, healthy - free of all tubes & wires, and sitting in the holy presence of our Lord & Savior gives me such peace & inner joy.

I miss you so much baby girl. I am so thankful for you and the love I was able to show you during your short time here on this earth; we packed in a whole lotta love in those 16 days and I am thankful for every moment.

"You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear how much I love you." Your Sun - Shines for me every day.

Happy 1st Birthday sweet Avelyn. Mommy loves you...







    Michele

    Avelyn's Mommy - Lover of Jesus - Receiver of God's GRACE

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