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What a Journey It Is...

3/31/2015

 
10:20pm   We are still trudging along. It seems like one thing after another continues to slow us down in our 5K race planning. Just when we're able to check one box off, another box with a big empty square appears, just waiting, wanting to be checked. When this happens, the doubts come rolling in. Last week a couple big ones hit. On Wednesday, I was on my way to an annual dermatology appointment when I got a call re: the 2nd of these two big things we are waiting on. Not good timing, now dealing with two big unchecked boxes. I called Josh and tears started flowing. Not a great lead in to go check into a doctor's office. I sat in the car for a few moments to try to compose myself and prayed to God for a sign that all of this was going to work out and be fine. In my head, I immediately thought "really a sign? do you really need to test God like that??...OK, I'll trust in Him even without a sign." And then my immediate next thought was, "but a sign would be nice." LOL. :)

As I went into the doctor's office with red eyes and a kleenex in tow, I tried to hold myself together. After updating paperwork, I sat back down. After a few minutes a sweet lady (who later said she was 87 y.o.) sitting across from me, said to the teenage boy a couple chairs down (sitting with his mom and sister), "What does the A & F on your t-shirt mean?" "Abercrombie & Fitch," his sister said. The sweet lady seemed to know what that was and they continued to chat. 'Too cute,' I thought. Then with a grin on her face she said to me (wearing my Wichita State Volleyball sweatshirt), "I know what Wichita State means." So we all got to visiting about basketball and March madness. This got my mind off things, which helped, and I think my eyes began to turn to their normally white color.--I thought to myself, "maybe this is my sign." :) Shortly after, they called my name to come back. I waited on the doctor for a few minutes, then immediately when she came in, she said "oh look, I see the sunshine peeking through." That was it. That was my sign. To be honest, I didn't even really notice the sunshine myself, as I was sitting with my back toward the window (this could all be a symbol in itself!), but those words meant everything to me at that moment. Thank you God. :) The rest of the week went great. My parents were in town, and it was wonderful spending time with them. They left early Sunday morning and we headed to church, where I always love worshiping our Lord, our Savior.

Do you ever feel attacked? Not by some mean animal, lol, but by a friend, a family member, yourself? So many emotions flooded me Sunday. Looking back, I realize it was Satan attacking me, the feelings getting stronger and stronger, and I couldn't shake it off. I kept thinking about how hard it has been, not only losing our daughter, but trying to make a positive out of it and it not going easily, so frustrated that we keep hitting so many bumps along the way. I kept thinking "Lord, if I can't have my precious daughter to hold, our 3 girls worshiping with us together at church today, the family I envisioned...if I can't have this, can't you at least make this race we are trying to plan, this race we are organizing in order to raise money to buy bibles to give to Your children--can't you at least make THIS EASY - make it go more smoothly?!?!" This was taking over my thoughts and I just couldn't let it go. I still get emotional thinking about it. In my mind, I still think, "yes, it would be really nice if this path that we have been put on - that we did NOT choose - was going more smoothly for us now that we are on it." And then there's my heart...

I'm so thankful my heart is filled with peace. Filled with the peace that only the Holy Spirit is able to give, the peace that "transcends all understanding" (Philippians 4:7) - and Lord knows, I do NOT understand this...yet that peace is still there. Praise Jesus. Yesterday and today as I was brainstorming a name for our goal to raise money to buy children's bibles, I kept thinking about the Nathan Project and what a perfect name that is. We met with Ron Stiles early last week and he has so many amazing stories about what the Nathan Project has been able to do and continues to do, through God. Many ideas for a name went through my head and I wrote several down. I shared these with Josh last night and we discussed a few over the phone, since he was out of town. But just none of them seemed to click for us. We want to include Avelyn's name and something about the Sunlight and some term similar to 'Project.'--We thought of words such as 'plan, mission, task, objective...' Josh's favorite was 'plan' and my favorite was 'mission,' but neither just really spoke to us. Then today, as I continued to search and brainstorm, the word "journey" came to me. I mentioned this to Josh, and we both felt "this is it." This path we are all on is a journey. We are not in control (obviously...or the past few days would have gone differently, if it were my choice). :) Things may not always go the way we desire, the way we wish, the way we plan...going full force on our mission may not always succeed, but God makes us stronger by taking us on His journey. Ups and downs, side-to-side, rocking us this way and that - but He's got us, holding us in the palm of His hand. As the scripture states that I just opened my bible to find...and just so happened to turn to the EXACT page it was on (really??): "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms..." (Deuteronomy 33:27). He's got ahold of us. And if we think we're falling, if we stray from Him, if the devil is attacking us and we are overwhelmed by his strong, full-fledged attack, God is right there to catch us in His arms.

I won't say I'm fully recovered from the feelings I have had this past week, and honestly I don't know if I ever will be. But God is right here, with that peace I feel yet do not understand. This peace overwhelms me at times, as well. There's no doubt I want things to be easier for us, but now that I know this isn't the case (for any of us), why not do our best to try to enjoy the journey, with Jesus by our side?...

In one week, Avelyn would be 11 months old. Man, that year is almost here. Please keep the prayers coming as we continue to embark on this challenging journey. A journey we hope, with God's help, will help get children's bibles into the hands of MANY. - The Avelyn SonShine Journey -

10 Months. Hope.

3/6/2015

 
1:23am     Just a few minutes ago, the day rolled over to what would have been Avelyn's 10 month birthday. Just recently I realized how close we are getting to what would have been us celebrating our 3rd daughter's first birthday. Shortly after Avelyn passed, people would tell me "time will heal." I honestly didn't believe them at all at the time. Much to my surprise, time does begin to heal, but as I expected, it doesn't fully heal. Things have gotten easier, but not easy. The past month has been a bit tough for me. Overall I am still coping well, I believe, but it was just a hard month. Recently it seems I have had such highs and lows. Twice in the past week, I have had moments where Josh & I and our big girls were having so much fun - dancing, playing games, tickling feet...then the next moment, I found myself with tears, just wanting these joyous moments to last, not wanting them to be over, wanting to experience them not only again and again with our big girls, but also with our precious Avelyn. It breaks my heart the latter won't happen, at least not this side of heaven.

In all this, I continue to feel God's peace within me. His Holy Spirit continues to comfort me, and I am so thankful I have Josh to help me through these tough times, as well. My faith in God gives me peace, and my other big thing right now is HOPE. I don't know why our daughter was taken from the life we wanted here with her, I don't understand. But I continue to rely on God's promise that "He works for the good of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28). I continue to try to soak myself up - my heart and my mind - in this promise. And this is what gives me hope. As the book we continue to study in our life group, "Trusting God" states, He works for our good and His glory. I put my faith in this, which gives me hope. He has big things planned for the impact Avelyn's life will have, and as her mommy and His child, I am thankful for this. I have hope in my life as well, that He will help me through these tough times and work everything out "for the good."

In regards to planning our race in memory of Avelyn, the past month has proved a bit challenging. Prior to the City of Spring Hill approving the race, we must have multiple things in place. I am happy to report the 5K route has been approved by the police dept, so this ball is rolling. A big thank you to our friend from church who has helped us with the route! So thankful for this. The insurance for the race has been my biggest headache. After calling multiple companies to get various quotes, I am so thankful to report that today paperwork has been faxed in to make this official. Thank goodness! I will be SO thankful when I have this document in my hand and we can get all this to the city for final approval. We are now looking at the end of March to get everything officially approved, then let the other details begin...or at least continue to move. :) We are still looking at a date of Saturday, May 23rd, and we are super excited for this. We are also very close to being able to order a shipment of children's bibles, so this is super exciting, as well. We found out the publisher that prints the bibles requires an order of  > 2,500 bibles to pre-print our story on the inside covers, so we will need to print stickers and place this in ourselves; this is an idea we got from the Nathan Project. So excited to get these bibles and get them into the hands of God's children!!

I am so thankful my faith is deeply rooted in our Lord and Savior. Despite my emotions being all over the place lately (and probably for several months), my mind remains steadfast on Him. As I read in "Trusting God" today, "We must not allow our emotions to hold sway over our minds. Rather, we must seek to let the truth of God rule our minds. Our emotions must become subservient to the truth. This does not mean we do not feel the pain of adversity and heartache. We feel it keenly...but we must resist allowing that pain (to let us lose our focus and our trust in Him)."

"But those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

"'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

"Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

And from a song I love - "Lord, I Need You" by Matt Maher: "...And when I cannot stand I'll fall on you, Jesus you're my HOPE and stay..."

    Michele

    Avelyn's Mommy - Lover of Jesus - Receiver of God's GRACE

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