10:20pm We are still trudging along. It seems like one thing after another continues to slow us down in our 5K race planning. Just when we're able to check one box off, another box with a big empty square appears, just waiting, wanting to be checked. When this happens, the doubts come rolling in. Last week a couple big ones hit. On Wednesday, I was on my way to an annual dermatology appointment when I got a call re: the 2nd of these two big things we are waiting on. Not good timing, now dealing with two big unchecked boxes. I called Josh and tears started flowing. Not a great lead in to go check into a doctor's office. I sat in the car for a few moments to try to compose myself and prayed to God for a sign that all of this was going to work out and be fine. In my head, I immediately thought "really a sign? do you really need to test God like that??...OK, I'll trust in Him even without a sign." And then my immediate next thought was, "but a sign would be nice." LOL. :)
As I went into the doctor's office with red eyes and a kleenex in tow, I tried to hold myself together. After updating paperwork, I sat back down. After a few minutes a sweet lady (who later said she was 87 y.o.) sitting across from me, said to the teenage boy a couple chairs down (sitting with his mom and sister), "What does the A & F on your t-shirt mean?" "Abercrombie & Fitch," his sister said. The sweet lady seemed to know what that was and they continued to chat. 'Too cute,' I thought. Then with a grin on her face she said to me (wearing my Wichita State Volleyball sweatshirt), "I know what Wichita State means." So we all got to visiting about basketball and March madness. This got my mind off things, which helped, and I think my eyes began to turn to their normally white color.--I thought to myself, "maybe this is my sign." :) Shortly after, they called my name to come back. I waited on the doctor for a few minutes, then immediately when she came in, she said "oh look, I see the sunshine peeking through." That was it. That was my sign. To be honest, I didn't even really notice the sunshine myself, as I was sitting with my back toward the window (this could all be a symbol in itself!), but those words meant everything to me at that moment. Thank you God. :) The rest of the week went great. My parents were in town, and it was wonderful spending time with them. They left early Sunday morning and we headed to church, where I always love worshiping our Lord, our Savior.
Do you ever feel attacked? Not by some mean animal, lol, but by a friend, a family member, yourself? So many emotions flooded me Sunday. Looking back, I realize it was Satan attacking me, the feelings getting stronger and stronger, and I couldn't shake it off. I kept thinking about how hard it has been, not only losing our daughter, but trying to make a positive out of it and it not going easily, so frustrated that we keep hitting so many bumps along the way. I kept thinking "Lord, if I can't have my precious daughter to hold, our 3 girls worshiping with us together at church today, the family I envisioned...if I can't have this, can't you at least make this race we are trying to plan, this race we are organizing in order to raise money to buy bibles to give to Your children--can't you at least make THIS EASY - make it go more smoothly?!?!" This was taking over my thoughts and I just couldn't let it go. I still get emotional thinking about it. In my mind, I still think, "yes, it would be really nice if this path that we have been put on - that we did NOT choose - was going more smoothly for us now that we are on it." And then there's my heart...
I'm so thankful my heart is filled with peace. Filled with the peace that only the Holy Spirit is able to give, the peace that "transcends all understanding" (Philippians 4:7) - and Lord knows, I do NOT understand this...yet that peace is still there. Praise Jesus. Yesterday and today as I was brainstorming a name for our goal to raise money to buy children's bibles, I kept thinking about the Nathan Project and what a perfect name that is. We met with Ron Stiles early last week and he has so many amazing stories about what the Nathan Project has been able to do and continues to do, through God. Many ideas for a name went through my head and I wrote several down. I shared these with Josh last night and we discussed a few over the phone, since he was out of town. But just none of them seemed to click for us. We want to include Avelyn's name and something about the Sunlight and some term similar to 'Project.'--We thought of words such as 'plan, mission, task, objective...' Josh's favorite was 'plan' and my favorite was 'mission,' but neither just really spoke to us. Then today, as I continued to search and brainstorm, the word "journey" came to me. I mentioned this to Josh, and we both felt "this is it." This path we are all on is a journey. We are not in control (obviously...or the past few days would have gone differently, if it were my choice). :) Things may not always go the way we desire, the way we wish, the way we plan...going full force on our mission may not always succeed, but God makes us stronger by taking us on His journey. Ups and downs, side-to-side, rocking us this way and that - but He's got us, holding us in the palm of His hand. As the scripture states that I just opened my bible to find...and just so happened to turn to the EXACT page it was on (really??): "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms..." (Deuteronomy 33:27). He's got ahold of us. And if we think we're falling, if we stray from Him, if the devil is attacking us and we are overwhelmed by his strong, full-fledged attack, God is right there to catch us in His arms.
I won't say I'm fully recovered from the feelings I have had this past week, and honestly I don't know if I ever will be. But God is right here, with that peace I feel yet do not understand. This peace overwhelms me at times, as well. There's no doubt I want things to be easier for us, but now that I know this isn't the case (for any of us), why not do our best to try to enjoy the journey, with Jesus by our side?...
In one week, Avelyn would be 11 months old. Man, that year is almost here. Please keep the prayers coming as we continue to embark on this challenging journey. A journey we hope, with God's help, will help get children's bibles into the hands of MANY. - The Avelyn SonShine Journey -
As I went into the doctor's office with red eyes and a kleenex in tow, I tried to hold myself together. After updating paperwork, I sat back down. After a few minutes a sweet lady (who later said she was 87 y.o.) sitting across from me, said to the teenage boy a couple chairs down (sitting with his mom and sister), "What does the A & F on your t-shirt mean?" "Abercrombie & Fitch," his sister said. The sweet lady seemed to know what that was and they continued to chat. 'Too cute,' I thought. Then with a grin on her face she said to me (wearing my Wichita State Volleyball sweatshirt), "I know what Wichita State means." So we all got to visiting about basketball and March madness. This got my mind off things, which helped, and I think my eyes began to turn to their normally white color.--I thought to myself, "maybe this is my sign." :) Shortly after, they called my name to come back. I waited on the doctor for a few minutes, then immediately when she came in, she said "oh look, I see the sunshine peeking through." That was it. That was my sign. To be honest, I didn't even really notice the sunshine myself, as I was sitting with my back toward the window (this could all be a symbol in itself!), but those words meant everything to me at that moment. Thank you God. :) The rest of the week went great. My parents were in town, and it was wonderful spending time with them. They left early Sunday morning and we headed to church, where I always love worshiping our Lord, our Savior.
Do you ever feel attacked? Not by some mean animal, lol, but by a friend, a family member, yourself? So many emotions flooded me Sunday. Looking back, I realize it was Satan attacking me, the feelings getting stronger and stronger, and I couldn't shake it off. I kept thinking about how hard it has been, not only losing our daughter, but trying to make a positive out of it and it not going easily, so frustrated that we keep hitting so many bumps along the way. I kept thinking "Lord, if I can't have my precious daughter to hold, our 3 girls worshiping with us together at church today, the family I envisioned...if I can't have this, can't you at least make this race we are trying to plan, this race we are organizing in order to raise money to buy bibles to give to Your children--can't you at least make THIS EASY - make it go more smoothly?!?!" This was taking over my thoughts and I just couldn't let it go. I still get emotional thinking about it. In my mind, I still think, "yes, it would be really nice if this path that we have been put on - that we did NOT choose - was going more smoothly for us now that we are on it." And then there's my heart...
I'm so thankful my heart is filled with peace. Filled with the peace that only the Holy Spirit is able to give, the peace that "transcends all understanding" (Philippians 4:7) - and Lord knows, I do NOT understand this...yet that peace is still there. Praise Jesus. Yesterday and today as I was brainstorming a name for our goal to raise money to buy children's bibles, I kept thinking about the Nathan Project and what a perfect name that is. We met with Ron Stiles early last week and he has so many amazing stories about what the Nathan Project has been able to do and continues to do, through God. Many ideas for a name went through my head and I wrote several down. I shared these with Josh last night and we discussed a few over the phone, since he was out of town. But just none of them seemed to click for us. We want to include Avelyn's name and something about the Sunlight and some term similar to 'Project.'--We thought of words such as 'plan, mission, task, objective...' Josh's favorite was 'plan' and my favorite was 'mission,' but neither just really spoke to us. Then today, as I continued to search and brainstorm, the word "journey" came to me. I mentioned this to Josh, and we both felt "this is it." This path we are all on is a journey. We are not in control (obviously...or the past few days would have gone differently, if it were my choice). :) Things may not always go the way we desire, the way we wish, the way we plan...going full force on our mission may not always succeed, but God makes us stronger by taking us on His journey. Ups and downs, side-to-side, rocking us this way and that - but He's got us, holding us in the palm of His hand. As the scripture states that I just opened my bible to find...and just so happened to turn to the EXACT page it was on (really??): "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms..." (Deuteronomy 33:27). He's got ahold of us. And if we think we're falling, if we stray from Him, if the devil is attacking us and we are overwhelmed by his strong, full-fledged attack, God is right there to catch us in His arms.
I won't say I'm fully recovered from the feelings I have had this past week, and honestly I don't know if I ever will be. But God is right here, with that peace I feel yet do not understand. This peace overwhelms me at times, as well. There's no doubt I want things to be easier for us, but now that I know this isn't the case (for any of us), why not do our best to try to enjoy the journey, with Jesus by our side?...
In one week, Avelyn would be 11 months old. Man, that year is almost here. Please keep the prayers coming as we continue to embark on this challenging journey. A journey we hope, with God's help, will help get children's bibles into the hands of MANY. - The Avelyn SonShine Journey -
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