11:52pm

Last night I started going through a book called "The One Year Book of HOPE." It's a daily devotional Josh's cousin mailed me about a mom who has lost 2 of her precious babies. It starts out with her story in the introduction, talks about how the book is set up, then the devotionals start. A couple things have already stuck out to me so far.

In the intro, she makes a statement that has really resonated with me. She says, "It seems to me that most losses aren't just one loss, but a series of losses. For a while I grieved Hope's (her daughter's) death. Then I grieved her limited life. Then I grieved our loss of potential." This last part has really stuck with me. For example today at the pool, there was a mom there with her 3 girls...I won't have this 'potential' that I was SO looking forward to; at least not playing with all of them and loving on them while at the pool, etc. I also saw multiple moms there with their babies and young toddlers.--I will now not have this 'potential' that I was planning to have this summer and in years ahead. I have also thought about missing seeing Avelyn graduate from high school; I have lost this 'potential.' So many things every Mom looks forward to...and even some things that moms may dread having/needing to go through with their kiddos, I have lost this 'potential' and it breaks my heart. Most of the time, I don't immediately cry in public or even at home when I think about these things, but like the author says..I agree with her that "it is as if there is a broken place inside me where tears are stored."

Because of all this, I love what she says in another section...I need my "Manna." She says that just like the children of Israel got their daily manna (bread) from God while they wandered in the wilderness, we need to depend on God DAILY to sustain us. Also, just like the manna the Israelites received, we can't store it up, we must get it fresh daily. I need this. I encourage you all to do the same. Easier said than done, but I need it.--Because of all these 'potential' things I will see regularly, things that I will be missing out on with my sweet Avelyn, I need God DAILY. It has definitely helped me to talk to our sweet Avelyn and tell her hello when I see God's beauty...a beautiful sunset, a small bird flying in the sky, the sun peeking through the clouds, a peaceful rain. But I also need to get in God's Word even more and speak to Him more. At times I have been completely strong in my faith as I speak to Him, at times I have cried out to Him in desperation, at times I have sunken into complete sadness and asked Him to help me, at times I have lashed out at Him in anger...but all this makes my relationship with Him stronger...and I need it, I need Him DAILY to keep me grounded.

Also because of all this 'potential' I see that I will miss, I encourage each of you to love on your babies MORE. It's so easy to say this, but I want to DO it more with my big girls...even in the not so fun times. Cherish those babies...and by babies, I mean babies, toddlers, elementary age kiddos, teenagers, young adults, grown kiddos, grandchildren, etc. You never know when your last moment with them may be...

Hugs and Love to you all.

12:08am                
With thank you notes sent and the photo book done, I figured it was time this morning to start on the next major project since Avelyn has passed.--That would be working on her room. After a great night's rest and Josh watching the girls, I thought 'I can do this.' Fortunately we didn't have a lot of her room done/decorated before she was born, so I figured this would make things easier. It probably has, but after taking a few of her clothes off of hangers and folding them today, I lost it. Having 2 girls already and loving my GIRLS to pieces, I was so looking forward to having another girl and dressing her in some of those same cute clothes, including more fun summer dresses this time. It breaks my heart that I haven't had this and won't have this with our sweet Avelyn. It was a tough morning and early afternoon. The highlight of my day came with playing and dancing in the rain with my big girls. "You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray..." Because Avelyn IS our Sunshine, I was able to experience her even in the rain...she makes me 'happy even when skies are gray.' I miss her more than words can express, but I cherish moments like this when I can feel her...and experience just a small taste of what she feels in heaven--letting everything go and 'dancing even in the rain.' Needless to say I didn't get her room even close to being done and it will continue to be hard, but this moment will hopefully help me through the next time I decide to tackle this project. I love you baby girl and miss you so much, my beautiful Sunshine.

As the song 'Oceans' by Hillsong that was just on states, "...Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior..."--I relied on this song a lot when Avelyn was fighting, and I continue to...as sometimes I don't understand, but I know I can trust Him. So I ask Him to help this trust and faith continue to grow as I continue to go through tough times like today where I am so sad and angry and heartbroken and longing to hold and cuddle with my baby girl...and I just don't understand, that He would help me to give it all to Him, help me to trust Him more, and help to get me through... As I want to Let My Light Shine, Let Our Light Shine--EVEN IN THE RAIN, because I KNOW this is what Avelyn wants...my beautiful Sunshine. :)

10:48 pm

We survived! :) Brooklan, Aili, and I did make it to the pool today and we had a great time. I will try to post a couple pics. The girls loved the water and I loved being there with them. I didn't even think about it much beforehand, but it did end up being a bit of a workout for me. Climbing out of the pool was a pretty good workout for my (weak) core and even floating on a tube with Aili in the lazy river surprisingly worked my core a bit, as well, as I had to hold myself up/stabilize myself as I had Aili on my lap. After leaving the pool I didn't really feel the effects, though, which was good.

Tonight we went to a birthday party for a friend. It was a fun time as we were able to celebrate, visit with friends, and enjoy a beautiful evening--as the party was outside at some friends' home that have some land. Such a great atmosphere in all aspects. I didn't even think about it at the time, but looking back, I did stand a lot as I was visiting. As we were getting ready to leave and I sat down in the car, I immediately felt fatigue in my legs and muscle fatigue in my abs. It's funny how when you are enjoying yourself and feeling good, you don't even think about how it might affect you later. (Crazy I didn't think about this, as I preach this to my patients all the time! :) ) It's been 7 weeks since my C-section and I truly have felt like I am 100% healed, but as of right now, I realize I'm not quite there yet. Once I am totally healed, which maybe I am there, I need to realize it will take time to build up my endurance and stamina to where I want it to be. Tonight I plan to sit out on the porch to enjoy the beautiful night a bit longer, then this tired momma is hitting the sack early tonight...no 'wee hours of the morning' for me tonight! :)

Tonight I was able to meet with a group of dear friends.--It's a group of working moms from church and it's called Timeout. :) I always look forward to getting together with these ladies! We meet about every 6 weeks and I always appreciate our time together. Tonight we were visiting about all the things our kids have to face these days--tough situations.--A few things were mentioned and we visited for a while about how HARD it is to see our sweet little ones face these difficult challenges, such as bullying. Then one of our friends spoke up and said she tries to focus on eternity. Yes all our kids will face tough, hard things such as bullying that make us as moms want to pull out our big guns and get those MEAN kids--while we shelter our own children. But...she pointed out, these things are TEMPORARY. She instead focuses on anything and everything she can do to make sure she can help lead her son to Christ. I love this and want to focus more on this now...keeping my eyes on God and on eternity. Here on this earth we want to do EVERYthing we can to protect our precious children.--What mom doesn't want to do this? But more importantly I am now going to try to focus on doing everything I can to make sure I get to spend ETERNITY with all my girls. This was so enlightening to me. It makes so much sense to me though because either earlier today or yesterday (I'm losing track of time) I was thinking 'I can at least check 1 out of 3 of my sweet girls off the list...I KNOW I will see Avelyn in heaven.' THIS GIVES ME SO MUCH PEACE!!! Brooklan has also been saved, but I want to continue to help her on this journey...and I also want to continue to help Ailiana, as well. 'Dear God, by your grace, please help me to do this!'

Thank you dear friend for sharing this tonight! I hope I can keep my eyes on the big prize of someday meeting my Lord and Savior in heaven having ALL of my girls there with me!!! By His grace I have been saved and by His grace I pray our big girls continue to learn more about Him and experience salvation, as well.  I pray and encourage you all to do the same, if you haven't already...and that way I can see YOU too!!! ;)

PRAY FOR SALVATION...FOCUS ON ETERNITY...THIS LIFE IS TEMPORARY...

I just thought of this. All this reminds me of a saying a dear friend shared with me a couple weeks ago. She has also lost a young child. Let me find it...

Ok...here it is:

“They say that time in heaven is compared to “the blink of an eye” for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I’ll already be there.”

Because this life is temporary, "LIKE THE BLINK OF AN EYE" compared to eternity, I need to focus on SALVATION for ALL those I love...so I can spend ETERNITY with them.

Today was a good day. The last few nights I have stayed up into the wee hours of the morning working on an album on Shutterfly for Avelyn. Earlier tonight I was able to finish this, so I am thankful for this.--Looking forward to getting it in the mail soon. I also took some time during the day to be with our big girls; not as much time as I should have and would have liked, since I have been working on the album, but did enjoy some time. The most fun thing of the day was getting to see Aili really get better with riding her bike. I actually had to jog a few times to keep up with her riding down the neighborhood; maybe not a pretty sight, but a good test for me.--I think I passed. :) I am definitely enjoying my time with them. We were going to go to the pool tonight, but I decided I will take Brooklan tomorrow so I still won't have to get in. I may get brave enough to take them both on Friday. :)

About an hour ago I just got back from walking to the mailbox to get the mail. Lots of goodies in the mail; I guess that's more likely when you don't check it in 2-3 days. :) Before I went, I was thinking I had made it through the day without any tears.--But that wouldn't last long. ;) So thankful for the sweet cards/gifts from people. So kind. Some anonymous, some dear friends/family...and even a note from the mailman. Thanks Dad. :) We have been so blessed by so many things along this journey, and the blessings continue. Thank you. As I walked to the mailbox, I enjoyed looking at the sky again. So many stars out, which was beautiful.--Love my time with my big girls, but also cherish my time with my sweet Avelyn...

Do you ever take the time to sit outside and enjoy God's creation...to close your eyes to listen to all the sounds of nature, maybe feel a breeze...then to open your eyes to see His vast universe and how amazing it truly is? Lately I have really been more in tune with all this, particularly with the sun and clouds...just how beautiful they are on a daily basis. About a week after Avelyn passed, I noticed a bird in the sky...just one bird flying solo--dancing, twirling in front of a big puffy cloud in the sky...probably doing this for almost 5 minutes; I saw my sweet Avelyn in this bird.--Which by the way, we knew her name means 'life' (in Hebrew), but just a few days ago when I was looking up the meaning of her name again, I found it means 'bird' (in Latin) as well.--My sweet girl is literally flying now...and I truly saw my baby girl in this bird. :)

Tonight I just got done sitting out back, just staring up at the bright, brilliant stars, listening to the night, and feeling an occasional gentle breeze. So peaceful and calming to experience this. I sat outside for awhile just enjoying this and also praying to God and talking to our sweet Avelyn. When I decided to go in, I turned toward the door and something caught my eye, so I turned back around. One lightning bug flew across our backyard, every couple seconds lighting up as if to say 'hi' each time. The whole time I had sat outside I hadn't seen one lightning bug anywhere until that moment. I saw this particular one light up probably 10 times as it flew across our yard and flew away into the night. After it left, I blew a couple kisses (to my baby girl) into the night sky. So thankful for moments like this.

If you haven't ever taken the time to enjoy God's night like this...to feel His presence, or if you haven't done it recently, I highly encourage you to do so.--So peaceful and comforting.--Tonight I felt so aware of God's presence and also of our sweet angel Avelyn. Praise God for this.

3:49 pm

The other day I met a nice lady at Brooklan's volleyball camp. We were having a good conversation and after a couple minutes she said 'so you just have the 2 girls?' My heart immediately thought NO, but out of my mouth I said 'yes.' The lady was super nice and I enjoyed our conversation, however immediately after we visited, my heart was broken. Ever since we were pregnant with baby #3, I hoped for another girl, as it would be the fourth generation of three girls on my mom's side of the family. And it didn't help that the kind lady I was visiting with had three girls of her own. This is something I'm going to need to get over. I know we have 3 girls and Avelyn knows I know this, but when meeting a new person it would be awkward for me to bring this up.--I don't want to make the other person feel bad or make the situation awkward for either of us. As we continue to come up with more ideas with our motto to 'Let Your Light Shine,' maybe I do share our baby girl's story. This is something I need to pray about. After I visited with this lady, I just wanted to go up to her and say 'No, we have THREE girls,' but for now I need to have peace about all this.

Comments by others:

I, too, struggle with this question from people. My answer generally depends on the situation. I haven't been asked lately, but have decided to say that we have Addison and that she has a big brother in heaven. You never know who you might help with your story (and to also share your faith). At first I thought I'd make people feel bad, but what they don't realize is that I think about him every day so it's not like they're bringing up something I'm not already thinking about. I hope that makes sense. I continue to pray for you guys and love you all. (G.W.)

How about "we have two here with us and one in heaven." You may be amazed at how many other people are aching
to acknowledge a child they cannot hold in their arms. (T & T)

 2:37pm Yesterday was a good day for our girls, which makes me happy too. Brooklan started the day by finishing a camping trip and boating with a friend of hers. Love that she got to experience this!!--When I was younger we had some friends with a boat so I was occasionally able to do this; so thankful she was able to experience this too! She was able to enjoy her friend, ride on their boat, and she loved camping too.--I have now been informed that 'we need to get a camper or a tent.' :) Aili and I went to pick her up after noon and we headed to the Spring Hill pool. We met up with some friends there, which was great bc the girls had fun with them and our friends were able to help with Aili in the water so I didn't have to get in. Both girls had an awesome time there too. Then last night we had the girls' VBS program. So thankful for all the volunteers that helped with VBS, as it was a great week for both girls and the program was wonderful. After the program, there was a celebration for all families to enjoy and it was good to see and visit with friends. Such a good day. One thing I have found that has really helped me is seeing our big girls have fun, smile, laugh, and enjoy themselves. I'm sure Avelyn loves seeing this as well. But...I miss her. When we got home last night it's like I felt guilty for having fun bc it's like there is a part of me that is missing with all those fun things. As my mom has said, she's not missing, she's just not right here. And actually she probably is right here, just not where we can visually see her. I just miss her so much and I wish we could be holding her as we watch our girls do their VBS program or as our girls are swimming with friends. It's so hard. Thankful for good days like yesterday, but SO miss our baby girl.

So thankful we have our big girls to make us smile, have fun, and laugh, as I'm sure Avelyn, our angel, enjoys seeing all of us do. :)

1:06am

Happy Father's Day ( just over an hour late :) ) to the 4 best fathers I know. To my Dad. So thankful for so many things, for example all those times you said to me "I'm proud of ya." Always meant more to me than you will ever know. :) To my father-in-law. Helping to raise the best husband and father I know...my hubby Josh...and one of the very few people that was able to see Avelyn every day of her short life; so thankful you were able to do this. :) To my hubby. Words cannot express how in awe I am of you as a father--the way you love on and play with and take care of our girls...taking the time and the energy and the effort to put everything you have into them. You're the best. I LOVE you!!

And to our Father in heaven. At the end of church today they showed an awesome video of Dad's just flat out having fun with their kids...stopping the work they were doing and taking time to have pillow fights and water fights and reading time and so many other fun things with their precious children. As I watched this, I immediately started to cry because I was so sad that Josh would not be able to do these things with Avelyn, like he does so well with our big girls. Immediately God told me, "but I will." What better answer than that. :) I so wish Josh would be able to have these moments with our precious daughter, but who better than our Father in heaven to stand in for him. :) So thankful for the peace He gives me in moments like this. Have fun with Him Avelyn. Don't hold back. I can't wait to hear all about it. :)

 11:58pm Yesterday, Saturday 6/14/14, we were all home and I was wanting to work on getting the house cleaned. I started in our bedroom, where so many things have accumulated since Avelyn was born.--So many things...from the bracelet she wore around her little wrist from the moment she was born (even more thankful to have this now, by the way) to the things we had of hers on display at her memorial service. Needless to say, I didn't get much accomplished, at least not visually. I spent a lot of time just going through things...some things really fun to see, bringing back good memories...others making me long to hold our sweet Avelyn again. I shed some tears off and on, but during the day tended to recover fairly quickly. But then last night it hit me. We had gotten some pictures printed because we are trying to decide which ones we want to hang up and where. I was looking at one of the very few pictures we have of our precious baby girl with her eyes open, and I just started talking to her. It didn't take me long until I was sobbing. I was telling her how much I missed her and that I was sorry (the being sorry part was more for me, selfishly wanting to be with her...because I know she is happy and healthy now, in the arms of Jesus). Even though I didn't say it, in my mind I was thinking 'just give me something, let me feel you, show me you're here, I need you' and shortly after this I heard little foot steps walking down the hall. Although it was just after midnight, our sweet middle daughter Ailiana was walking down the hall toward our bedroom. I tried to hide my face from her so she wouldn't see me crying. I just picked her up and held her so tight. I carried her to the living room and we rocked and I loved on her until I fell asleep with her. So thankful for this moment. Our angel Avelyn was looking out for me. :)

Another thing hit me while I was holding and rocking Aili. When I was talking to and literally crying out to Avelyn, I had told her 'I can't wait to see you...I can't wait to see you...I want to see you now...' Then when I was holding & rocking Aili,it hit me that Avelyn hadn't sent Aili down the hall at that moment just so I could hold her; she also sent Aili to show me that her big sisters NEED me. I believe Avelyn was trying to tell me she is ok...in fact she is fabulous, but her big sisters are the ones that need me now. Even though I miss Avelyn SO much, I know I need to be HERE for Brooklan and Ailiana; I need to be strong for them. Avelyn helped to show me this last night. Shortly after I carried Aili back to bed, Brooklan then got out of bed and came down the hall as well, so I got to love on her too. :) So thankful for all 3 of our beautiful daughters...and getting to love on each of them last night. :) Although it was hard, I feel it was a good thing to talk to Avelyn last night.--Some tears can be good, and I want to continue to have these conversations with her. Again, it gives me so much peace to know exactly where she is, and as I talk to her I feel she will help me with some things and guide me in others. As Josh mentioned at her service, she now has much more wisdom than us, so I'm hoping she will share the love (or should I say wisdom)...and reveal some of this to us--just like she did last night. :)

Goodnight precious baby girl. We love you... <3   xoxo