11:58pm Yesterday, Saturday 6/14/14, we were all home and I was wanting to work on getting the house cleaned. I started in our bedroom, where so many things have accumulated since Avelyn was born.--So many things...from the bracelet she wore around her little wrist from the moment she was born (even more thankful to have this now, by the way) to the things we had of hers on display at her memorial service. Needless to say, I didn't get much accomplished, at least not visually. I spent a lot of time just going through things...some things really fun to see, bringing back good memories...others making me long to hold our sweet Avelyn again. I shed some tears off and on, but during the day tended to recover fairly quickly. But then last night it hit me. We had gotten some pictures printed because we are trying to decide which ones we want to hang up and where. I was looking at one of the very few pictures we have of our precious baby girl with her eyes open, and I just started talking to her. It didn't take me long until I was sobbing. I was telling her how much I missed her and that I was sorry (the being sorry part was more for me, selfishly wanting to be with her...because I know she is happy and healthy now, in the arms of Jesus). Even though I didn't say it, in my mind I was thinking 'just give me something, let me feel you, show me you're here, I need you' and shortly after this I heard little foot steps walking down the hall. Although it was just after midnight, our sweet middle daughter Ailiana was walking down the hall toward our bedroom. I tried to hide my face from her so she wouldn't see me crying. I just picked her up and held her so tight. I carried her to the living room and we rocked and I loved on her until I fell asleep with her. So thankful for this moment. Our angel Avelyn was looking out for me. :)
Another thing hit me while I was holding and rocking Aili. When I was talking to and literally crying out to Avelyn, I had told her 'I can't wait to see you...I can't wait to see you...I want to see you now...' Then when I was holding & rocking Aili,it hit me that Avelyn hadn't sent Aili down the hall at that moment just so I could hold her; she also sent Aili to show me that her big sisters NEED me. I believe Avelyn was trying to tell me she is ok...in fact she is fabulous, but her big sisters are the ones that need me now. Even though I miss Avelyn SO much, I know I need to be HERE for Brooklan and Ailiana; I need to be strong for them. Avelyn helped to show me this last night. Shortly after I carried Aili back to bed, Brooklan then got out of bed and came down the hall as well, so I got to love on her too. :) So thankful for all 3 of our beautiful daughters...and getting to love on each of them last night. :) Although it was hard, I feel it was a good thing to talk to Avelyn last night.--Some tears can be good, and I want to continue to have these conversations with her. Again, it gives me so much peace to know exactly where she is, and as I talk to her I feel she will help me with some things and guide me in others. As Josh mentioned at her service, she now has much more wisdom than us, so I'm hoping she will share the love (or should I say wisdom)...and reveal some of this to us--just like she did last night. :)
Goodnight precious baby girl. We love you... <3 xoxo
Another thing hit me while I was holding and rocking Aili. When I was talking to and literally crying out to Avelyn, I had told her 'I can't wait to see you...I can't wait to see you...I want to see you now...' Then when I was holding & rocking Aili,it hit me that Avelyn hadn't sent Aili down the hall at that moment just so I could hold her; she also sent Aili to show me that her big sisters NEED me. I believe Avelyn was trying to tell me she is ok...in fact she is fabulous, but her big sisters are the ones that need me now. Even though I miss Avelyn SO much, I know I need to be HERE for Brooklan and Ailiana; I need to be strong for them. Avelyn helped to show me this last night. Shortly after I carried Aili back to bed, Brooklan then got out of bed and came down the hall as well, so I got to love on her too. :) So thankful for all 3 of our beautiful daughters...and getting to love on each of them last night. :) Although it was hard, I feel it was a good thing to talk to Avelyn last night.--Some tears can be good, and I want to continue to have these conversations with her. Again, it gives me so much peace to know exactly where she is, and as I talk to her I feel she will help me with some things and guide me in others. As Josh mentioned at her service, she now has much more wisdom than us, so I'm hoping she will share the love (or should I say wisdom)...and reveal some of this to us--just like she did last night. :)
Goodnight precious baby girl. We love you... <3 xoxo