1:17pm   This is a question I think about a lot...as I'm sure so many people do with their own life's challenges. For some reason, this week has been really tough for me. I'm not sure why (hmmm..there's that question again), but it has.

Thoughts just keep swirling around in my head. 'Why my baby girl?...Why does God heal their child, but NOT mine?...Why did this have to happen the way it did?...Why has this week been so hard?...Why doesn't this seem to be getting easier, like so many people say it will?...' Thoughts like this swirl through my head all the time. And I guess maybe at times it is getting easier, but then it all floods back...and in my opinion, it will probably be like this for a long time, if not forever. I actually had a melt down moment at work the other morning, the first time this has happened since I had been back. I think it was partially bc I was looking at a chart of a person I had worked with right before Avelyn was born...and seeing those dates just brought it all back. It seems the day was hard even before that though, so who knows. Thankfully I was able to collect myself fairly quickly, with God's help. Later that afternoon one of my co-workers just so happened to share a picture with me, one that I will always cherish. It was a picture of the sunset the night Avelyn had passed. At the time she took the picture, my co-worker didn't know Avelyn had flown to heaven just shortly before that, but she said she was thinking of Avelyn at the moment she took it. So thankful she shared this with me; even though it was a tough day and a tough week, moments like this help me through...they help me so much.

As I think 'Why?'...'Why didn't God heal my baby girl,' I also have to ask myself the same question about so many other things: 'Why have we been blessed with our two beautiful, healthy big girls?...Why was I able to meet Josh the way I did (when someone else had actually been hired in that position at Wichita State then backed out last minute, allowing Josh to get the position and move to Kansas)?...Why did He heal my mom of a very rare form of pancreatic cancer several years ago?...Why was Josh born - 'an accident' or as he has said and I agree 'a pleasant surprise' several years after his next oldest sibling?...'--And so many other 'Why's' that have 'benefited' our family. As I look back at all these things in my life, even though I may not have understood them at the time, things have always seemed to work out; as I look back, I praise God for this. And other things I still don't understand and I may never understand. I pray that someday I will know more about why things had to happen the way they did with Avelyn bc this has been and will continue to be so hard for me. My devotionals for the next week, starting yesterday, have been about God's sovereignty, how God's will, will be done; today it talked about the story of Joseph...his brothers selling him as a slave, telling their dad he was killed, Joseph being in prison-- so many bad things. BUT later Joseph ends up being the right hand man for Pharoah, the king, bc of his ability to interpret dreams for others while in prison, and bc of all this he ends up saving his people from a severe famine, those people including his brothers and his father--his family. The horrible things had to initially happen so he would eventually be in the position he was, in order to save his family in the end. I don't know the reason things had to happen the way they did with Avelyn, but I am hoping I will get to see that plan unfold--God's plan. And most of all, I am thankful my God is in charge of all of this. As Josh mentioned a few weeks ago and we have heard a lot, including every Sunday at church when we lived in Norman, OK - "God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good." It's not my plan. He is in control. As much as I long for Avelyn to be with me...because I miss her SOOO much...(this is by far the hardest thing for me to get past), I put my faith in God that there is a bigger plan, a plan why He needed to take her from being here in my arms.

In the meantime, I rely on His strength, on the strength I receive from your prayers, on His grace...His loving grace that I don't deserve but that He still gives me bc I believe in His Son...

Last night I got a message from a good friend telling me her daughter had challenged Brooklan to do the Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS. So today after school I showed Brooklan her friend's video and told her all about it. She wanted to do it and she wanted to challenge the rest of our family to do it, as well. :/ After we all decided who else we wanted to challenge, we started tracking down some buckets and filling them with ice water. We put the ice in the buckets in the house then we took all 4 of them outside to fill with water from the hose. As Josh began to fill them we noticed some big clouds above us and we started to hear some thunder. As I looked up, I saw the sun, Our Sunshine, shining perfectly through the clouds. Avelyn was with us. :) In the pictures of this I posted below, you can see the sun peaking through the clouds...and to me it looks like a cross...an angel in a cross :) She was with us...

Once we got the buckets full and started to carry them to the back yard to do our challenge, it started raining. I figured, "we still got this...we've danced in the rain before." :) So as we moved on with our plan despite the light rain and quiet thunder, we sat our buckets on the porch and I got my phone ready to begin taking the first video of Brooklan.--BUT we were stopped in our tracks when we heard an extremely loud clap of thunder. Boom! That was our cue to head inside temporarily and as we did our appliances beeped letting me know our electricity had just went off and back on due to the lightening being so close. Glad we weren't dumping our buckets of water on our heads at that moment! :) As we watched it rain outside, it then began to spit out small hail pellets, as well. We decided our baby girl was challenging us to this 'ice' bucket challenge as well!--As Josh called it, 'the ice bucket challenge from heaven.' :) She wanted in on this action!! The timing was impeccable: Perfect. From God. Our baby girl was right there...

We watched the rain and little bit of hail for about 10 minutes, then out we went. It was still raining, but the thunder, high winds, and heavy rain had stopped...at least the rain was falling more softly...not sideways like it was a few minutes before...and no more 'ice' from heaven. :) Brooklan went first. She challenged all of us, as well as her cousins Brennan & Brady. Then Aili went. She challenged Daddy & I, her cousins Brennan & Brady, and without any word or cueing from us, she also challenged her sister Avelyn. :) Then I went; I challenged my sisters and their families...Angie, Jay Dee, Brennan, & Brady, and Ashley, Mark, & Cole. Then Josh went; he challenged his Mom and Dad, my Mom & Dad, his brother, and all Sunday school teachers at our church, LifeSpring. We had tons of fun. What a great thing to do as a family, and for such a great cause. We still need to make our donations, as well.

After pouring buckets of ice over ourselves, we couldn't resist but dancing in the rain, once again. For some reason, it felt so warm! ;) So much peace and freedom in this. Once again, the timing was perfect. As some of you already know, dancing in the rain is one way we have experienced, felt, loved on, danced with our baby girl in the past 3 months. And I have no doubt about it, she was right there with us this evening. No. Doubt. :) Sun peeking through the clouds. Shape resembles a cross, an angel...ready for our challenge. Starts to rain. A huge clap of thunder. Hello! :) 'Ice' falling from the sky. Soft peaceful rain as we are ready to dance in it once again... Love. These. Moments. :)

Here are the pics and videos...of all 5 of us. ;)

11:30pm   Today I had a continuing ed class at the Embassy Suites on the plaza. It seems as though anytime I drive on I 35 near or into downtown KC recently I have so many emotions come rushing back. We drove that route several times in a short amount of time...and oh how I wish I could drive it again and again and again if only it were to see my baby girl again. Today as I neared turning left into the parking lot at Embassy Suites, I saw St. Luke's on the Plaza on the right and remembered taking a right into their parking lot, our big girls with me, in order to donate all the milk I had pumped and didn't need anymore.--This was just over 2 weeks after Avelyn had passed and we had a lot to donate. One of the tough things, the many don't want to even think about tough things, about losing a child is that you never stop being a mom. One of the things that meant in our case losing Avelyn, an infant, was that all the milk supply I had built up (and I was blessed with all 3 of our girls to have an abundant supply), now had to be weaned down. So as I mourned the loss of our daughter, I had to continue pumping...and I couldn't finish this process fast enough. It took about 1 1/2 weeks total, and I probably should have taken longer bc I was near mastitis a couple times. But I didn't care. I just wanted to be done. As difficult as all this was, it was much more bearable bc the lactation consultant at Children's Mercy had given me info to be able to donate my milk; at least I wouldn't be throwing it all away...it would be going to helping others that needed it. The info she gave me was actually for a place out in Denver, but after I called that place, they referred me to a new donation place right in KC. So thankful for this as it made everything much more convenient. So on June 11 (which seems forever ago on one hand, but as I drove by there today seemed just like yesterday), Brooklan, Aili, and I went to go drop it off. It was also really nice donating right here in KC bc they were able to give us a quick tour of their facility/area at St. Luke's. The process they go through is amazing. They process the milk a couple times then as they analyze it they separate out parts of the milk to form specific 'blends' that are needed by specific babies. As they get a call or a need for certain vitamins or minerals or other nutrients that a particular NICU baby needs (for babies all over the U.S.), they can make this 'blend' so they are able to meet that specific baby's needs. Just amazing... Knowing this and the potential help Avelyn & I are able to give other babies in need, is humbling, a blessing...makes an extremely difficult, unbearable, unimaginable, horrible, challenging process & journey just a little more bearable. Not easy. Not easier. But a little more bearable. One of the things someone (I think it was Shy, the lactation consultant @ Children's Mercy) told me (bc she had previously lost a baby that was 24 weeks old and she had donated milk herself) is that on the date her baby would have turned a year old, she got a letter in the mail telling her a little bit about all the babies her milk went to and were able to help. She donated through Denver, but I hope I get something like this as well. To see the impact, the potential blessings, on paper that my milk, Avelyn's milk, has made as she would be turning a year old would bring tears to my eyes...tears of sadness, but also tears of thankfulness...tears for those babies we were able to help (with God's grace and help)...tears for the birthdays they will hopefully get to be celebrating for years to come...tears for their mommies that are holding them...and holding them...tight...as I want all of you to do with your babies, your big kids, your grandkids, your spouse, your sister, brother, your LOVED one...tonight...tomorrow...always...as I'm getting ready to go do with our big girls right now. :).  <3

10:03pm   Today was a bit of a tough day. I'm not always sure why some days are harder than others...but they are. I agree with my younger sister on at least one reason...I'm much busier (at least a focused, HAVE to stay on track busy) during the week, so I have less time to think about Avelyn. Also maybe it's because I wasn't in church service today; I was able to teach Sunday school to the preschoolers, including Ailiana, but I couldn't be in church bc of this; maybe that's why it was harder..bc I didn't get to fully worship my Lord and Savior in church. Maybe it's bc I saw a beautiful baby girl on my way out of church today; somedays I handle this much better than others; today, not so good. Honestly, it's just not fair. I know life isn't fair. At least this life isn't.--My devotionals this week have been on death. I absolutely do not fear death bc I know Jesus and I have given my life to Him. The author seems to be trying to convince her readers of this, but I already get it. I don't want to leave my family behind...this I don't ever want to think about, but death itself, I do not fear. The verse in my devotional for today was from Ecclesiastes and states "the day you die is better than the day you were born." I have never thought about this before; when I first read it, I thought 'please explain more...' but now it makes complete sense to me. It doesn't say 'the death of a loved one is better...' bc it stinks being left behind when a loved one goes to meet Christ, but when you, yourself, die...if you know Christ, you will go to a much better world, a much better place, than this one, the world left behind. Avelyn is there. She has celebrated her 'Deathday' as my devotional called it. That word sounds so bad. Kinda morbid. Kinda funny. Kinda weird. But it should be celebrated by the person who leaves and knows Christ. I'm wondering if you, those I know, those I love, will be excited, not fearful, when your Deathday comes...bc you know Jesus... I hope so. For ALL my friends and family, I truly do hope so, with all my heart. I can't express this enough!!!

Even on my bad days, I'm so thankful Avelyn is with our Lord and Savior. I'm not thankful that she's not here...not with me, but I am thankful she will be with Christ, she is with Christ...FOREVER.--Even when it's my time. Even when it's my Deathday. Even when I get to go meet Christ, and my baby girl. Still. She will still be there. Forever. So on days like today, moments like today, as hard as they are, as much as they are unfair, as much as they stink beyond stink, as much as the tears flow, as much as my anger, my discomfort, my sadness bursts out of me...I can take peace and have joy in this. Praise God. Praise God He gives me faith. Praise God I know Him. Because of this, I know I will see my precious, beautiful daughter again. Healthy. In His arms. I continue to ask God to fill me with His Holy Spirit. I feel Him. And I need this. Thank You God. Thank You so much for getting me through. Even on the bad days, the bad moments, the bad times. They stink, but You are here. Thank You. And thank You God for everyone You have helping me through, surrounding me with Your love. My husband. My big girls. My family. My church family. My friends. My friends who may not even know You yet themselves, but who help me feel You, help me know You are there, even as You work on their hearts to help them know You are there for them too. You work in amazing ways Lord Jesus and I am so thankful for You. Please continue to help me through. I need it. I need it every day, every hour. Help me keep my eyes on You. This is what gets me through. Day by day...

10:25pm Despite always missing Avelyn and thinking about her probably 100s of times every day, recently it seems my tears have been remaining at bay. Tonight though, the moment Brooklan became emotional, saying "I miss Avelyn," they came to the forefront again. There's just another whole level of sadness when you see your children crying...being sad. As my tears came immediately after Brooklan uttered these words, I started praying in my head for God to give me the strength to help her and handle my own tears at that moment. And He did. As Josh thankfully took care of Aili, Brooklan and I had some time to talk and be together. There were still tears, but He helped me control them while I was trying to help Brooklan. She really hasn't cried much since her sister passed, so I cherish these moments where maybe it is good for her to let her emotions go, and I want to be there for her in these moments to help her through them...with the help of God's grace. We talked together and we looked through Avelyn's album together; I made sure to point out to Brooklan that all the tubes Avelyn has in the pictures are GONE and that--bc we believe in Jesus--we will get to see her again--healthy and without the tubes--when we go to heaven.

Right before bed, she said a prayer (we've all been trying to pray together in the big girls' room before they go to sleep); even though we had said a prayer already, she wanted to say another one. She asked God to help her see tomorrow that Avelyn is ok...and she prayed that God will be with all the moms or siblings in the world who have lost a baby. Such a sweet prayer. :)

As I walked out of their room, I lost it.--I thank God I was able to hold it together that long. Thankfully Josh was right there to comfort me, which always helps. We enjoyed a good talk together on our front porch...taking in the beautiful evening, as well. As we prayed together, I prayed that God would help lead us and guide us and help us know how to handle moments like this with our sweet girls here on earth. So far they have seemed to do really well, but I just wonder if there is something we are missing. I pray God will give us His eyes to help us see if/when they need help. As has been the case through all of this, we will rely on God and on His amazing strength and grace, and on your continued prayers to help us. Thank u!! :)

3:19pm

Just pulled into Dillons in Wichita. Stopping here at the pharmacy to see my younger sister and will spend the night with her. Aili and I drove here to meet my Mom, older sister, Brooklan, and my nephews. Excited to see Brooklan (and everyone else, too, of course)!! :) Had a beautiful drive. At the start of the drive, I was wondering if there was a way to avoid tolls or just a different way to go. As I checked out options I saw that we could take highway 50 across, avoiding tolls. I thought about this, but wasn't thrilled about this option because I'm not a big fan of only 2 lane highways; I grew up in a small town, but still right along Interstate 70.--I just don't like having to be behind a slow car or trying to pass them when you see another getting closer and closer to you on their side of the road. It raises my blood pressure!! :/ Even though I was thinking this, something just told me to take it...as my Dad used to say when we were young, let's take some back roads so we can 'see some country.' :) So I did. I was looking forward to 'seeing some country' bc this is the way I am able to soak up some sun, my Sunshine.' :) Well...the way was parted for me. From the start of the drive in Emporia to about an hour later in Newton, I didn't have to deal with one car going west.--I saw tons of cars going eastbound and only a couple going west, but both of them turned off the road before I reached them, not affecting me at all. I know it's Kansas with not tons of traffic, but this has never happened to me before...and like I said, there were tons of cars going the other way!! I was able to enjoy a beautiful ride. So peaceful. Seeing God's glorious, beautiful creation. Feeling my precious daughter. Thank you Lord Jesus. Love it! Now I will go inside to see my baby sister and start to enjoy the rest of our wonderful weekend.

Enjoy your weekend friends. Enjoy the sunshine...and Let Your Light Shine, too. :)

11:22pm

As I lay here ready to go to sleep, I realize I have very heavy eyes...not sure if it's simply due to being tired...due to the tears I shed earlier as I prayed to God while working on packing in Avelyn's room...due to swimming with my middle daughter today...or maybe all of the above. Tomorrow...in less than an hour, we should be happy and looking forward to celebrating Ave's 3 month birthday and all the fun things she has started doing. As I think about this, so many things come to mind. My biggest emotion recently has just been pure sadness...longing to hold my baby girl, to snuggle with her, to see her smile and maybe hear her laughing by now...wanting to raise her...missing her SO much. A few short days ago I was really struggling with anger. Mad at God at times as to why this had to happen; at times it would overwhelm me, whereas other times I would be ok and think it was silly to have the anger. Thankfully prayers from others, helpful conversations, and a focus on God's character have gotten me through this...and through all the other hard times too. Thank you. I continue to struggle with a mixture of emotions; I feel at times that I am bipolar right now.--I have been told this is normal, so I made sure to let Josh know this. ;) Anyways, I struggle on one end of the spectrum with the complete sadness I've had a lot recently...all the way on the other end of the spectrum to complete joy knowing my youngest daughter is happy and healthy in heaven and KNOWING I will see her again someday. During all this, I have to make sure my eyes are always looking UP, not back and most definitely not forward to what I am missing because that's no doubt the hardest thing of all!!

This week our oldest daughter Brooklan is in Goodland spending the week with my Mom & Dad and with my older sister's family who recently moved there. We just got done talking to Brooklan on the phone and she is loving it...and I love hearing this. And we have enjoyed our time here with Aili. She has been such a joy and it's great to have some one-on-one time with her as this doesn't happen very often. As I am writing this, I got to thinking about our day today...it completely jives with how I have been feeling recently, so I had to add this to the title of today's post. :) This afternoon we went to the pool.--A hot, sunny day we were able to enjoy together, a lot of our time spent just floating on a tube around and around the lazy river...enjoying our Sunshine. When we got home we were sitting on the front porch and it started to rain. We still had our swimsuits on so, of course, we took yet another opportunity to dance in the rain. :) So just like my emotions have been, today we went from sunshine to rain. The funny thing is though, we enjoyed BOTH of them...probably just like I need to know that there is good in the spectrum of emotions I am having right now. It's ok. It's normal. And it's probably actually healthy for me right now. From Sunshine to Rain. Pretty much describes me these days...and probably for a while to come.

As I finish writing this, Aili has snuck into our room, into our bed. I am now enjoying even more of my day (into the night) with her; snuggling with any one of our daughters will NEVER get old. ;) I will post a pic. :)

Love you our sweet Avelyn KayLee Grace. Happy 3 month birthday precious girl. We miss you SO much. We enjoyed your Sunshine and your Rain today.--We see you in it all and still in so many other things, too. Celebrate in heaven for us today, too. We love you sweet girl...