10:03pm Today was a bit of a tough day. I'm not always sure why some days are harder than others...but they are. I agree with my younger sister on at least one reason...I'm much busier (at least a focused, HAVE to stay on track busy) during the week, so I have less time to think about Avelyn. Also maybe it's because I wasn't in church service today; I was able to teach Sunday school to the preschoolers, including Ailiana, but I couldn't be in church bc of this; maybe that's why it was harder..bc I didn't get to fully worship my Lord and Savior in church. Maybe it's bc I saw a beautiful baby girl on my way out of church today; somedays I handle this much better than others; today, not so good. Honestly, it's just not fair. I know life isn't fair. At least this life isn't.--My devotionals this week have been on death. I absolutely do not fear death bc I know Jesus and I have given my life to Him. The author seems to be trying to convince her readers of this, but I already get it. I don't want to leave my family behind...this I don't ever want to think about, but death itself, I do not fear. The verse in my devotional for today was from Ecclesiastes and states "the day you die is better than the day you were born." I have never thought about this before; when I first read it, I thought 'please explain more...' but now it makes complete sense to me. It doesn't say 'the death of a loved one is better...' bc it stinks being left behind when a loved one goes to meet Christ, but when you, yourself, die...if you know Christ, you will go to a much better world, a much better place, than this one, the world left behind. Avelyn is there. She has celebrated her 'Deathday' as my devotional called it. That word sounds so bad. Kinda morbid. Kinda funny. Kinda weird. But it should be celebrated by the person who leaves and knows Christ. I'm wondering if you, those I know, those I love, will be excited, not fearful, when your Deathday comes...bc you know Jesus... I hope so. For ALL my friends and family, I truly do hope so, with all my heart. I can't express this enough!!!
Even on my bad days, I'm so thankful Avelyn is with our Lord and Savior. I'm not thankful that she's not here...not with me, but I am thankful she will be with Christ, she is with Christ...FOREVER.--Even when it's my time. Even when it's my Deathday. Even when I get to go meet Christ, and my baby girl. Still. She will still be there. Forever. So on days like today, moments like today, as hard as they are, as much as they are unfair, as much as they stink beyond stink, as much as the tears flow, as much as my anger, my discomfort, my sadness bursts out of me...I can take peace and have joy in this. Praise God. Praise God He gives me faith. Praise God I know Him. Because of this, I know I will see my precious, beautiful daughter again. Healthy. In His arms. I continue to ask God to fill me with His Holy Spirit. I feel Him. And I need this. Thank You God. Thank You so much for getting me through. Even on the bad days, the bad moments, the bad times. They stink, but You are here. Thank You. And thank You God for everyone You have helping me through, surrounding me with Your love. My husband. My big girls. My family. My church family. My friends. My friends who may not even know You yet themselves, but who help me feel You, help me know You are there, even as You work on their hearts to help them know You are there for them too. You work in amazing ways Lord Jesus and I am so thankful for You. Please continue to help me through. I need it. I need it every day, every hour. Help me keep my eyes on You. This is what gets me through. Day by day...
Even on my bad days, I'm so thankful Avelyn is with our Lord and Savior. I'm not thankful that she's not here...not with me, but I am thankful she will be with Christ, she is with Christ...FOREVER.--Even when it's my time. Even when it's my Deathday. Even when I get to go meet Christ, and my baby girl. Still. She will still be there. Forever. So on days like today, moments like today, as hard as they are, as much as they are unfair, as much as they stink beyond stink, as much as the tears flow, as much as my anger, my discomfort, my sadness bursts out of me...I can take peace and have joy in this. Praise God. Praise God He gives me faith. Praise God I know Him. Because of this, I know I will see my precious, beautiful daughter again. Healthy. In His arms. I continue to ask God to fill me with His Holy Spirit. I feel Him. And I need this. Thank You God. Thank You so much for getting me through. Even on the bad days, the bad moments, the bad times. They stink, but You are here. Thank You. And thank You God for everyone You have helping me through, surrounding me with Your love. My husband. My big girls. My family. My church family. My friends. My friends who may not even know You yet themselves, but who help me feel You, help me know You are there, even as You work on their hearts to help them know You are there for them too. You work in amazing ways Lord Jesus and I am so thankful for You. Please continue to help me through. I need it. I need it every day, every hour. Help me keep my eyes on You. This is what gets me through. Day by day...
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