11:22pm
As I lay here ready to go to sleep, I realize I have very heavy eyes...not sure if it's simply due to being tired...due to the tears I shed earlier as I prayed to God while working on packing in Avelyn's room...due to swimming with my middle daughter today...or maybe all of the above. Tomorrow...in less than an hour, we should be happy and looking forward to celebrating Ave's 3 month birthday and all the fun things she has started doing. As I think about this, so many things come to mind. My biggest emotion recently has just been pure sadness...longing to hold my baby girl, to snuggle with her, to see her smile and maybe hear her laughing by now...wanting to raise her...missing her SO much. A few short days ago I was really struggling with anger. Mad at God at times as to why this had to happen; at times it would overwhelm me, whereas other times I would be ok and think it was silly to have the anger. Thankfully prayers from others, helpful conversations, and a focus on God's character have gotten me through this...and through all the other hard times too. Thank you. I continue to struggle with a mixture of emotions; I feel at times that I am bipolar right now.--I have been told this is normal, so I made sure to let Josh know this. ;) Anyways, I struggle on one end of the spectrum with the complete sadness I've had a lot recently...all the way on the other end of the spectrum to complete joy knowing my youngest daughter is happy and healthy in heaven and KNOWING I will see her again someday. During all this, I have to make sure my eyes are always looking UP, not back and most definitely not forward to what I am missing because that's no doubt the hardest thing of all!!
This week our oldest daughter Brooklan is in Goodland spending the week with my Mom & Dad and with my older sister's family who recently moved there. We just got done talking to Brooklan on the phone and she is loving it...and I love hearing this. And we have enjoyed our time here with Aili. She has been such a joy and it's great to have some one-on-one time with her as this doesn't happen very often. As I am writing this, I got to thinking about our day today...it completely jives with how I have been feeling recently, so I had to add this to the title of today's post. :) This afternoon we went to the pool.--A hot, sunny day we were able to enjoy together, a lot of our time spent just floating on a tube around and around the lazy river...enjoying our Sunshine. When we got home we were sitting on the front porch and it started to rain. We still had our swimsuits on so, of course, we took yet another opportunity to dance in the rain. :) So just like my emotions have been, today we went from sunshine to rain. The funny thing is though, we enjoyed BOTH of them...probably just like I need to know that there is good in the spectrum of emotions I am having right now. It's ok. It's normal. And it's probably actually healthy for me right now. From Sunshine to Rain. Pretty much describes me these days...and probably for a while to come.
As I finish writing this, Aili has snuck into our room, into our bed. I am now enjoying even more of my day (into the night) with her; snuggling with any one of our daughters will NEVER get old. ;) I will post a pic. :)
Love you our sweet Avelyn KayLee Grace. Happy 3 month birthday precious girl. We miss you SO much. We enjoyed your Sunshine and your Rain today.--We see you in it all and still in so many other things, too. Celebrate in heaven for us today, too. We love you sweet girl...
As I lay here ready to go to sleep, I realize I have very heavy eyes...not sure if it's simply due to being tired...due to the tears I shed earlier as I prayed to God while working on packing in Avelyn's room...due to swimming with my middle daughter today...or maybe all of the above. Tomorrow...in less than an hour, we should be happy and looking forward to celebrating Ave's 3 month birthday and all the fun things she has started doing. As I think about this, so many things come to mind. My biggest emotion recently has just been pure sadness...longing to hold my baby girl, to snuggle with her, to see her smile and maybe hear her laughing by now...wanting to raise her...missing her SO much. A few short days ago I was really struggling with anger. Mad at God at times as to why this had to happen; at times it would overwhelm me, whereas other times I would be ok and think it was silly to have the anger. Thankfully prayers from others, helpful conversations, and a focus on God's character have gotten me through this...and through all the other hard times too. Thank you. I continue to struggle with a mixture of emotions; I feel at times that I am bipolar right now.--I have been told this is normal, so I made sure to let Josh know this. ;) Anyways, I struggle on one end of the spectrum with the complete sadness I've had a lot recently...all the way on the other end of the spectrum to complete joy knowing my youngest daughter is happy and healthy in heaven and KNOWING I will see her again someday. During all this, I have to make sure my eyes are always looking UP, not back and most definitely not forward to what I am missing because that's no doubt the hardest thing of all!!
This week our oldest daughter Brooklan is in Goodland spending the week with my Mom & Dad and with my older sister's family who recently moved there. We just got done talking to Brooklan on the phone and she is loving it...and I love hearing this. And we have enjoyed our time here with Aili. She has been such a joy and it's great to have some one-on-one time with her as this doesn't happen very often. As I am writing this, I got to thinking about our day today...it completely jives with how I have been feeling recently, so I had to add this to the title of today's post. :) This afternoon we went to the pool.--A hot, sunny day we were able to enjoy together, a lot of our time spent just floating on a tube around and around the lazy river...enjoying our Sunshine. When we got home we were sitting on the front porch and it started to rain. We still had our swimsuits on so, of course, we took yet another opportunity to dance in the rain. :) So just like my emotions have been, today we went from sunshine to rain. The funny thing is though, we enjoyed BOTH of them...probably just like I need to know that there is good in the spectrum of emotions I am having right now. It's ok. It's normal. And it's probably actually healthy for me right now. From Sunshine to Rain. Pretty much describes me these days...and probably for a while to come.
As I finish writing this, Aili has snuck into our room, into our bed. I am now enjoying even more of my day (into the night) with her; snuggling with any one of our daughters will NEVER get old. ;) I will post a pic. :)
Love you our sweet Avelyn KayLee Grace. Happy 3 month birthday precious girl. We miss you SO much. We enjoyed your Sunshine and your Rain today.--We see you in it all and still in so many other things, too. Celebrate in heaven for us today, too. We love you sweet girl...
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