8:45pm Last night, actually early this morning around 1am, I was sitting out on our back porch enjoying a beautiful night--and nature, where I now experience and feel our sweet Avelyn. I had been on the front porch, but when I heard an owl, what sounded like behind us, I headed to the back porch. I heard it a few more times when I was first back there, then it was silent. The stars were beautiful. There is one star that Josh and I have picked out that really make us think of Avelyn; it is small, but bright, seems to change colors, and twinkles in the night. Last night as I was getting ready to go in, something told me to stay out a little longer. As I sat there I noticed a cluster of little stars right in front of me. These stars were super tiny, but seemed like they were dancing in the sky, moving all around. As I sat there, I realized Avelyn would be 4 months old today. This didn't help. As I sat there and tried to soak her in more and more and more, the tears flowed. It's just so hard when I think about where we 'should' be. As hard as these moments are, I feel I still need them, reaching out to my baby girl, continuing to grieve, missing her so much, wishing she was here. As hard as this was and continues to be, those little dancing twinkling stars made me picture her in heaven, dancing with her new little friends, experiencing life with no worries, no problems, no pain. Just simply loving it. This helps me know at least she is happy. :) After spending quite a bit longer outside, I stood, closed my eyes, soaked everything in a bit longer, then headed back toward the door. After I opened my eyes, I heard one last hoot from the owl as if my baby girl was saying 'goodnight.' :) As I went to bed, I grabbed Avelyn's blanket that often covered her in the NICU, snuggled with it, and closed my eyes. When I awoke this morning, I was in the same position I had laid down in. As I sat up, the soft, pink blanket was stuck under me and I had to give it a slight tug to untwist myself from it.--I feel like I always have at least a little bit of Avelyn that I am surrounded by like this, surrounded in, experiencing. I hope this never changes. Love, love, love my baby girl. Keep dancing sweet girl. Hope you enjoyed your 4 month bday in heaven. :)
Happy 4 Month Birthday Sweet Girl
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Avelyn's Mommy - Lover of Jesus - Receiver of God's GRACE