8:05am Happy 6 Month Birthday my sweet Avelyn. I think about you every day, multiple times a day, often every hour, every minute, every second of every day...often on my mind and always in my heart. Our Sunshine. I see you and feel you in so many things. As I type right now with the sun beating down onto the window beside me, I am having to lean to the side at times in order to allow myself to actually see without your brightness, the 'Son's' brightness blinding my eyes. You are always here; He is always here--I know and feel you and His presence more than ever. Since a few days after your memorial service, I have taken a picture of the sky and/or the Sunshine every day...I have only missed one day and I know you were shining brightly that day because we were all at the pool, truly enjoying the sun and it's heat. :) That's A lot of pictures. Needless to say, I have some beautiful pictures...and some days multiple pictures I can't even try to pare down because they are ALL SO beautiful. It's crazy because even on those rainy days or gloomy, dreary, dark days, I have always been able to find a glimpse of you shining at some point in the day. Always. You are an angel for our Lord and Savior now, but there is no doubt He is sharing you with me. Every day. At Sonrise. At Sonset. Every day. I must say, my photo gallery on my phone quickly becomes filled with your presence, as well, with all the pictures I take. :) Typically the most beautiful pictures I get are of the sunrise, sunset, or when the sun is surrounded by or peeking through some white puffy clouds. Today, there are no clouds. I see and feel your presence purely, brightly on me...I literally feel the heat as your sunshine bursts through the window to my left. Although I can't see because of your brightness at times as I type, I love it. ;) Celebrating your 6 month arrival. Yesterday at work, someone from the registration area at the hospital came into our department with a vase full of beautiful roses. As she walked over and handed them to me, I knew they were from your Daddy. As I opened up the card, the one word written on it confirmed this. ILYNA (I Love You Now & Always), our saying. One of my co-workers asked if it was our anniversary, and because it was not, the Mom in me immediately thought he sent them to me to celebrate you, to honor you on your 6 month birthday; and as my co-worker pointed out, there were 6 roses. Later Josh told me the card was also supposed to say "Just Because;" he hadn't even thought about the landmark coming up. He felt bad because he meant for the flowers to bring only a big smile to my face, not the tears, as well. But as a Mom, we just think about these dates, these landmarks. I've had this day on my mind, in my heart for awhile now.
Yesterday I was putting Aili's recently taken 5 year old pictures in her 4 x 10 frame on our picture wall. Each 4 x 10 picture consists of 3 poses/images from whatever landmark birthday we were celebrating at the time, and I always keep the previous years pictures in the frame behind the current pictures. As I placed Aili's 5 year old 4 x 10 in the frame, I then began flipping through all the prior years pics, marveling at how she has grown and just loving the joy I saw in her face in each picture. 4 years old, 3 years old, 2 years old, 18 months, 1 year old, 9 months old, and even though I knew it would be there, I didn't even think about it, her 6 month pictures. Aili had an enormous smile on her face in each of these six month pics. She smiled a lot as a baby.--We have a friend that still calls her 'Smiley' because of this. With Avelyn not here, it's hard to know what she would be like today, but seeing Aili's big, cheesy smiles gave me a glimpse of her. Oddly enough I didn't cry this time, just a small smile. Missing her, but knowing she IS smiling, bigger than any of us ever imagined a smile could be.
There are so many uncertain things in this earthly world. Today I have a friend mourning the loss of her father, killed in a car accident -not his fault - gone long before his time. This friend has already lost her mom to cancer. Unimaginable. So many things on this earth we can't control. We go through so many things in this life - some minor, some major. This earthly life is just not fair. In fact, a month or two ago I told Brooklan and Aili we are no longer to use this phrase 'no fair' in our home. It's a given. It's NOT fair. And by no means do I pretend to understand any of it. We are in our last week of our Beth Moore Thessalonians bible study. The first lesson this week talks about prayer, focusing on the 'receiving' portion, not the 'achieving' portion of prayer. These past few months I have relied on this, not telling God 'I need this or I want that'--trying to achieve things, but asking Him to help me feel His Holy Spirit, feel His presence, receiving Him. Ironically, and most likely by God's divine plan, this week in my Hope devotional is on hope, and today's reading 'coincidentally' had a similar message about prayer; it was titled 'More than Wishful Thinking.' The prayer at the end of today's lesson says: "Faith Giver, so often I settle for the uncertainty of seeking what I want when I want it, and I'm left disappointed. Show me what it means to place all my confidence in You. Fill me with the assurance that my greatest hopes and dreams are fulfilled in You, even when I can't see it for myself." I don't understand the way God works OR why. So many things we don't understand in this life. As Nathan Stiles' dad told me one of the verses he has relied on since his son passed is in Proverbs 3: 5 "...lean not on your own understanding" and lately in life group we have talked a lot about Isaiah 55: 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." We may not understand, but God also promises in Romans 8:28 that He "works for the good of those who love him." Have I mentioned I love this verse...I rely on this verse? Even though sometimes I don't understand His ways, have cried out to Him and He hasn't answered the way I wanted, been so saddened by the things He has planned at times in this life, and been so angry with Him at other times, I can say with all that I am that I still "love Him" and I am SO thankful He has been right by my side to help me through all this. And I am even more thankful this life isn't al there is for me, for us, for those that "love Him."--He has bigger and better plans for us. Salvation. Eternal life. Which will no longer involve this pain. Hurt. Loss. - All the things we don't understand now. All of that GONE. Finally all things beautiful. Forever.
As I have shifted now from where I sat earlier when starting this post (as my 5 year old has me moving lots ;) ), I now stare at the roses Josh sent me. They represent so much. My husband's love for me. 6 roses for our baby girl's 6 month birthday and just now as I think about it, delicate 'baby's breath' surrounding the roses; wow, what a thought. And the beauty of the whole arrangement - from His creation - put together gives me peace, peace I can only get from Him, peace that my daughter is now healthy, in His arms, in His presence. Smiling.
Yesterday I was putting Aili's recently taken 5 year old pictures in her 4 x 10 frame on our picture wall. Each 4 x 10 picture consists of 3 poses/images from whatever landmark birthday we were celebrating at the time, and I always keep the previous years pictures in the frame behind the current pictures. As I placed Aili's 5 year old 4 x 10 in the frame, I then began flipping through all the prior years pics, marveling at how she has grown and just loving the joy I saw in her face in each picture. 4 years old, 3 years old, 2 years old, 18 months, 1 year old, 9 months old, and even though I knew it would be there, I didn't even think about it, her 6 month pictures. Aili had an enormous smile on her face in each of these six month pics. She smiled a lot as a baby.--We have a friend that still calls her 'Smiley' because of this. With Avelyn not here, it's hard to know what she would be like today, but seeing Aili's big, cheesy smiles gave me a glimpse of her. Oddly enough I didn't cry this time, just a small smile. Missing her, but knowing she IS smiling, bigger than any of us ever imagined a smile could be.
There are so many uncertain things in this earthly world. Today I have a friend mourning the loss of her father, killed in a car accident -not his fault - gone long before his time. This friend has already lost her mom to cancer. Unimaginable. So many things on this earth we can't control. We go through so many things in this life - some minor, some major. This earthly life is just not fair. In fact, a month or two ago I told Brooklan and Aili we are no longer to use this phrase 'no fair' in our home. It's a given. It's NOT fair. And by no means do I pretend to understand any of it. We are in our last week of our Beth Moore Thessalonians bible study. The first lesson this week talks about prayer, focusing on the 'receiving' portion, not the 'achieving' portion of prayer. These past few months I have relied on this, not telling God 'I need this or I want that'--trying to achieve things, but asking Him to help me feel His Holy Spirit, feel His presence, receiving Him. Ironically, and most likely by God's divine plan, this week in my Hope devotional is on hope, and today's reading 'coincidentally' had a similar message about prayer; it was titled 'More than Wishful Thinking.' The prayer at the end of today's lesson says: "Faith Giver, so often I settle for the uncertainty of seeking what I want when I want it, and I'm left disappointed. Show me what it means to place all my confidence in You. Fill me with the assurance that my greatest hopes and dreams are fulfilled in You, even when I can't see it for myself." I don't understand the way God works OR why. So many things we don't understand in this life. As Nathan Stiles' dad told me one of the verses he has relied on since his son passed is in Proverbs 3: 5 "...lean not on your own understanding" and lately in life group we have talked a lot about Isaiah 55: 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." We may not understand, but God also promises in Romans 8:28 that He "works for the good of those who love him." Have I mentioned I love this verse...I rely on this verse? Even though sometimes I don't understand His ways, have cried out to Him and He hasn't answered the way I wanted, been so saddened by the things He has planned at times in this life, and been so angry with Him at other times, I can say with all that I am that I still "love Him" and I am SO thankful He has been right by my side to help me through all this. And I am even more thankful this life isn't al there is for me, for us, for those that "love Him."--He has bigger and better plans for us. Salvation. Eternal life. Which will no longer involve this pain. Hurt. Loss. - All the things we don't understand now. All of that GONE. Finally all things beautiful. Forever.
As I have shifted now from where I sat earlier when starting this post (as my 5 year old has me moving lots ;) ), I now stare at the roses Josh sent me. They represent so much. My husband's love for me. 6 roses for our baby girl's 6 month birthday and just now as I think about it, delicate 'baby's breath' surrounding the roses; wow, what a thought. And the beauty of the whole arrangement - from His creation - put together gives me peace, peace I can only get from Him, peace that my daughter is now healthy, in His arms, in His presence. Smiling.
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