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"World's Okayest Wife." Haha!!

4/5/2016

 
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11:50pm  This t-shirt literally makes me laugh out loud. I seriously considered getting one! But there's one thing wrong with it; under "World's Okayest Wife" I would need to add, "and Mother and Daughter and Sister...etc." :) I saw it on Sunday on a facebook page someone had liked - Lolly Wolly Doodle. I took a screen shot of it, and every time I look at it or think about it, it makes me laugh. It has been on my mind a lot since I first saw it.
​Two opposing thoughts come to mind when I see it. On one hand, I don't like it because I don't think we should settle for being "okay." I feel God has placed us on this earth for a purpose and we need to use our God-given abilities to do our best in each situation God deals us. We need to Let Our Light Shine! :)
​But on the other hand, I love the t-shirt because in the world's eyes, we will never be "The best...," which is what most t-shirts like this say, right?--"The World's Best Wife...Mom...Dad...Grandparent, etc." In our society these days, we are constantly competing. Competing against our friends, our neighbors, our acquaintances, our families, and even people we don't know. We even a lot of times compete against ourselves; we are sometimes our own worst enemy. Social media obviously plays a huge role in this! With pinterest, seeing other kids' extravagant birthday parties, our friends' beautiful homes, our co-workers' or kids' amazing achievements, how long a friend spent exercising, etc, we are constantly comparing ourselves with others, with worldly things. We need to be okay with being the "okayest" at these things...NOT "the world's best." Instead of comparing ourselves with worldly things, we need to focus on what God wants for us. In my book "Once a Day Every Day...for a Woman of Grace" devotional from Monday, it stated, "Society seeks to mold us into more worldly beings; God seeks to mold us into new beings that are most certainly not conformed to this world...we must conform ourselves instead to God's will. It also has a quote by C.S. Lewis:
"Ambition! We must be careful what we mean by it. If it means the desire to get ahead of other people--which is what I think it does mean--then it is bad. If it simply means wanting to do a thing well, then it is good. It isn't wrong for an actor to want to act his part as well as it can possibly be acted, but the wish to have his name in bigger type than the other actors is a bad one."
​I started a new bible study tonight at church; it's called "Breathe" by Priscilla Shirer. For this particular study at our church, it's supposed to be for 18 to 35"ish" year olds, but my 38 year old self went to crash that party tonight! Lol. My friend Yvonne is leading the study and she had previously discussed with Kim, the pastor's wife, something that was totally applicable for me in all this. They were talking about instead of comparing yourself to others/worldly things--even to other Christians (like how much - or how little - one serves in the church or attends a bible study), ask GOD "what do You want me to do in my life...with this, or with that." So true!! Because what He wants with one person, he may want something totally different from His other child(ren).Stop comparing and competing with others AND with yourself! Where does GOD want YOU to SHINE? And where does He need you to cut yourself a little more slack? Listen to Him, not the world!
​So there's no need to be "the world's best," but also at the same time don't settle for being "the okayest." :) God wants you to be your best in His eyes. I pray you are able to find peace and enJOYment in this.
​May God Bless each of you...in His journey for YOU.

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Enjoying the outdoors...loving the SonShine, while daddy finishes mowing. :)
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AJ giving Daddy some smiles on his birthday yesterday; probably Josh's best birthday present. :)
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We need not be "the world's best"...and we need not settle for being "the okayest." Instead we need to ask God what He wants for us & then "Let Our Light Shine!" :)

16 Days...

3/9/2016

 
16 Days. The number of days we have had to love on our little guy thus far here on this earth.
​16 Days. The number of days we had to love on our sweet Avelyn here on this earth. Period.

​It's so crazy to think about our journey the past 2 weeks and 2 days vs our journey almost 2 years ago. This time is how it's ​supposed ​to go, how a mommy envisions things going...feeding your new little one, changing LOTS of diapers - and with a little boy we are finding out having some fountain-like experiences during those diaper changes :), and getting in LOTS and LOTs of snuggles at every chance possible. Thankfully we are blessed to be experiencing all of these beautiful things this time around. Two years ago come May, was much different. No nursing, but lots of pumping - enough the staff @ Children's Mercy graciously informed me there was no more room for my abundant milk to be stored in their freezer. Lol. A few diaper changes, but many wires & tubes to work around; good thing there were no fountain-like moments then, as that would have been a whole new ballgame. LOTS of snuggles, but in a different way; unable to hold our sweet Avelyn until a few moments before our Father held her, but still loving on her nonetheless - by holding her hand (or I should say her squeezing our fingers :) ) or by doing what the nurses called "hand hugs" where I would place one hand on her head and the other somewhere else on her fighting but swollen body, and by singing to her at every chance I could - "You Are My Sunshine," "Overcomer," "Beautiful Girl."...trying to show her love in whatever way I could since we were unable to do typical baby snuggles.

​At my 6 week follow-up appointment with the nurse practitioner at Children's Mercy two years ago come June, I just so happened to run into the OB who delivered Avelyn, Dr. Satija. This was a meeting set up by God, as Dr. Satija is rarely at Children's Mercy (she mainly works next door at Truman) and she only works 24 hour shifts (and spends a lot of this time at Truman). We just spoke briefly, but these words I will never forget.--She said she was thankful that Avelyn was here on this earth long enough for us to "show her how much we loved her." At first this kind of upset me, as I didn't fully understand or even necessarily agree with what she was saying. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. We weren't guaranteed 16 days with our sweet daughter - just like none of us - none of our kids, grandkids, moms, or dads - are guaranteed any days here on this earth. And for Avelyn, if Josh hadn't of asked the doctor @ Overland Park Regional further questions about her hydrops, and specifically her heart, on May 5th - we most likely would have been sent home to wait for another week until our next appointment, and maybe never met our sweet girl alive on this earth. But instead, as a result of Josh's questions and God's amazing grace, the doctor that day did further testing and referred us to Children's Mercy with an appt. on May 7th to "rule-out" a heart condition...only for a few hours later for us to meet our sweet daughter and welcome her into this world. Things thankfully fell into place so that we were able to meet her on this earth...and spend a precious 16 days with her, and be able to show her how much we love her.

​As for the love shown to both Avelyn and AJ for these 16 days each, I truly believe - though shown in different ways - it is the same love. We gave all the love we had to Avelyn those 16 days, just as we have given all our love to AJ. A couple brilliant suggestions Aili's pediatrician gave us to help AJ get his days and nights figured out has been to, during the day: open up our blinds - to let the sunshine in :)  - and also to have some noise going on. So, the other day I was going through some of the songs on my phone and listening to them as I was holding AJ. I came upon a song I had gotten about 2 years ago. It's called "Slip on By" by Finding Favour. If you have time, please listen to it. Here is the link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrrXghWl0bM
​And here it is on YouTube:
A few lines stand out to me.
​"Hear the sound of my little boy sayin, 'Daddy can you come play with me?' but I was too busy."
​"That I'm never gonna let another moment like this slip on by."
​"And God gives us only so much precious time."

​It's so easy to let time "Slip on By." But friends, let's try to make the most of it. "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalm 118:24) Make time for God - our Savior. And make time for others you love, those whom YOU want to show how much you love them. ​Tell them, show them, love them. Our precious time here on this earth ​will ​slip on by. It ​is ​slipping by at this moment. Give your life to Christ, then let Him multiply your love for all those around you. Make the most of whatever number ​your "16 days" might be to show them ​how much you love them.

​Love & Hugs to each of you...

​A few pics from our 16 days:
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Being fed makes me happy. :)

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Yes you were, buddy. :)

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AJ & Aili

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AJ's 1st bath was a family affair. Poor guy...

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Bright-eyed. :)

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Our sweet Avelyn.

Welcome son

2/22/2016

 
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9:40pm   Have you heard the song by Hillsong United titled "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"? If not, google it. When I was in the shower the other night, this song came on the radio and tears began to fall as I remembered hearing this song so many times (as it had just recently come out) when Avelyn was in the hospital, and after she had passed. I remember it one time in particular when I was driving home from spending time with Avelyn at Children's Mercy downtown; I was PRAYING, bawling, crying out to Him the part of the song that repeats itself "SPIRIT LEAD ME WHERE MY TRUST IS WITHOUT BORDERS."
God answered my prayer. The past 2 years for us have been filled with major ups & major downs. Through it all, God has helped me trust Him more, to trust Him "without borders." My faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ has grown immensely; I am SO thankful for this. Although I don't understand His ways, He has helped me let go & give more of my life, myself to Him, TRUSTING - despite my inability to understand. I pray this for YOU, as well.
​Today we are experiencing our most major "up" of the past couple years. We are extremely humbled and blessed to introduce Andersen J D R Ivans. Born on 2.22.16 @ 2:42pm, weighing 8 lbs 14oz, and 20 inches long.
​HIs first name we have had tucked away since we found out we were pregnant with our 1st child - a daughter - more than 10 years ago; 2 more daughters later, and now a son, we have stuck with it.--Since Josh didn't go for Peyton Von Ivans (at least I loved your idea, Amber! :) ), we are sticking with Andersen. :) We love the name Andersen even more now than we did 10 years ago, as it begins, ends, and sounds somewhat similar to Avelyn. :) His middle name/initials are after his Daddy & his grandpas. His grandpas made it a lot tougher on us than his grandmas. Avelyn's middle name KayLee was super easy, named after her Grandmas Marilyn Kay Ivans and Jean Lee Hallagin. Trying to combine his grandpas names Donald Clayde Ivans & Rolland Alvernon Hallagin was extremely difficult, if not next to impossible; you should have seen some of the combinations we and google came up with. Lol. So...we have gone with initials only - no actual middle name: JDR - J for Joshua, D for Don, and R for Rollie. Andersen JDR Ivans. Different, but with meaning, and we love it. We will call him A.J.
​Welcome to our arms, A.J. Ivans. We are so thankful God has blessed us with your presence. We pray God will guide us as He has entrusted you into our care while we live our SHORT lives here on this earth. With His help, we pray we will help you and your sisters faith to grow in Christ - that each of you will confess your faith in Christ - so that all 5 of us will one day join your big sister Avelyn in heaven - for ETERNITY.
​Love, your Mommy

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What. A. Journey.

9/17/2015

 
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11:55pm     Expecting baby #4 has been such a blessing. Something we never expected to be doing before Avelyn was born, but something we hoped for awhile after she passed. Even though everything has gone great so far, because of our history my OB wanted me to have my 18-20 week ultrasound with a specialist. She mentioned a couple places she typically sends her patients to see a specialist, but instead we asked if we could go to Children's Mercy since we are familiar with the staff there. Wednesday morning we got our big girls on the bus, then we headed to downtown KC. The mixture of emotions was about to begin. We were thrilled for our appointment; so excited to hopefully find out if we would be having a boy or girl. :) But as we pulled into the parking garage at Children's Mercy, I said 'this brings back a lot of memories;' Josh said he was thinking the exact same thing. Everyday for 16 days we parked there, looking forward to seeing our baby girl - but not where we had expected to be for the first few days of our 3rd daughter's life. So as we pulled in there, these emotions flooded us as we prepared to go "see" the new baby we are expecting.

So many similarities between then & now. Yesterday we sat in the exact same waiting room as we had over a year ago. A small waiting room, as Children's Mercy is obviously a hospital for children, but about 4 years ago they added this small area for expecting moms that may need extra care - a small area for diagnostic testing and a hallway of 6 inpatient rooms for delivering babies. Probably 10-11 chairs in the waiting room to choose from. We were the first ones there early yesterday morning. I chose to sit in a different chair this time around.

The morning of the day Avelyn would later be born, we waited in that waiting room for our fetal echocardiogram that was supposed to "rule out" any heart condition she might have. After the echo, we met with some pediatric cardiologists, then we had a regular ultrasound; immediately after this they recommended our baby girl be born that day via C-section. Yesterday as we were sitting in that same waiting room, Josh recalled that on the day Avelyn was born, the pictures on his phone went from one picture of an article of a magazine he was reading in that waiting room - to a picture of his new baby girl. From "ruling-out" --  to baby born. Yesterday as we were waiting we saw and got to talk to a couple nurses that took care of me after Avelyn was born and we also saw one the neonatologists that took care of Avelyn. It was so nice to see these familiar faces; in some ways this helps me feel Avelyn's presence.

We finally got called back to the ultrasound room; the same one we had been in for the ultrasound of Avelyn a few hours before she was born last May. And the same ultrasound tech did our ultrasound. I don't really remember the words she said last time during Avelyn's ultrasound, but the words I heard her say yesterday were like a constant beautiful sound of music to my ears. With each measurement she took, we heard " beautiful...gorgeous...beautiful...beautiful..." This gave me so much peace. It seems like not many techs are allowed to say much; so thankful this tech is allowed to. And she was so sweet. After meeting with her, we met with the doctor - who confirmed everything looked great. Praise God! Such a contrast from the way we felt after leaving that same room on May 7, 2014.

As I was thinking about our day yesterday, I thought of a familiar verse in the bible. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." The 2nd portion of those verses got me this time: "in ALL your ways acknowledge Him (the beautiful times AND the hard times - always knowing God, having that deep faith in Him), and He will make your paths straight." In life, it's like we are on this path. As we walk along, live along our path, sometimes the road - the journey - veers off in a direction you never imagine yourself going through; a challenging time none of us would ever choose. At other times, our path veers off in a way that is one of the most exciting, uplifting times of our lives. And in some ways, those drastically different journeys may be similar in some ways, like it was for us yesterday. But no matter what direction our path veers off toward, if you know Him, think about Him, acknowledge Him, have faith in Him - He will make your path straight. What does this straight path look like? This is where my perspective of this verse changed yesterday; I don't think it's a straight "earthly" path, I feel it's a different path; the path to Eternity with Him. The path to heaven. The path we are on once we accept Him. Things may not always be peachy keen here on this earth as our paths, our journey of our earthly life, leads in different directions - some negative, some positive. But with faith in Him, we will always remain on that straight path - to eternity.

The path for our family at this time here on this earth has led us to something we have never experienced before. Yes, we are expecting a baby BOY. We are both excited, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous. ;) I know Josh would be equally excited with a girl - as all we are praying for is a healthy baby - but I am so happy for him. :) As we were waiting in the waiting room yesterday, I read an article about a celebrity couple expecting their 2nd child. They already have a girl, and the wife wanted another girl. But when they found out they will be having a boy, the wife said she leapt for joy for her husband. This was a good thing to read a few minutes before we heard "It's a boy!" :) What an adventure it will be!

Love you friends. Thank you for your continued love, support, and prayers. Hoping to enjoy that straight path - to eternity - with ALL of you. <3


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In the Children's Mercy gift shop after finding out we are having a BOY!! :)

Peace. Love. Children's Bibles...LOTS of them! :)

8/31/2015

 
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11:50pm     A week ago, because of the funds donated and raised from our 1st Let Your Light Shine Family Mile Walk & 5k - with Silent Auction, we were blessed to have 26 cases of children's bibles delivered to our front door. Each case contains 16 children's bibles. You do the math. :) That's A LOT of bibles! And on top of that (still with funds from donations & our race), our good friend Ron allowed us to have 26 additional cases sent to his shop in downtown Spring Hill to store them for us for a while. The past few nights I have been placing our story - which was printed on stickers by our good friend Ben - on the inside covers of each bible. I am so thankful to say tonight I have completed putting stickers in the 26 cases of bibles at our house. Praise God! I kind of started a game with myself; I think my fastest time was completing one case in 17 minutes. Ha! :) Now we just need to make the switch with Ron so we are able to get the stickers in the other 26 cases, as well.

What to do with these bibles? As our mission states, our goal is to get children's bibles into the hands of as many children & families as possible. We have the "lots of children's bibles" covered (for now :)  )...now it's the "children's and families hands" we need. :) We are blessed to say that from the bibles previously ordered with Avelyn's memorial funds (before our 1st Let Your Light Shine Family Mile Walk & 5K in May), God - via the work of His people - has helped place these bibles into many hands such as: children @ VBS in Kentucky on our church's youth mission trip, family & friends across the state of Kansas, an organization that spoke @ the Royals Faith & Family Day, a young couple staying at the Ronald McDonald House in downtown KC - for their daughter staying @ Children's Mercy, our friends in Colorado, a Kansas senator has ordered more than one case of bibles, local businesses in our small town including children/families at Spring Hill Family Medicine, and we know one bible was personally delivered to an orphanage in Thailand. Hearing these stories and especially seeing pictures of God's children receiving these bibles makes my heart so happy!!

And the journey has only begun. As I said, those bibles were delivered before our most recent shipment of over 800 bibles arrived!! We pray God has big plans for these bibles, as well. We have no doubt He does. :) A few places we have on our hearts to send the bibles: the local food pantry, local churches, Children's Mercy hospital in downtown KC, shelters in KC, foster homes, the Ronald McDonald House, to friends/families/strangers across the US - and around the world. :) If you have ideas that you feel God is leading you to share with us to give the bibles, please let us know!!!

This has definitely been a journey. With both of our big girls starting school a couple weeks ago, on my days off I have been trying to go through different areas of our house trying to better organize things to make life easier. Some things I have needed to organize for several months now, but just have not had the time (I'm sure at least some can relate :) ). One of the days I stumbled on some cards we received shortly after Avelyn passed. I have read them all at least one time before, but looking over them and reading them again last week reminded me of all the love and support we received during such a difficult time in our lives. These letters/cards, your prayers, and our faith are what got us through and gave us so much peace as we dealt with the loss of our daughter. I know I've said it before, but I will say it again, thank you. This really did me good to read through those cards and letters again. So much love. So much support. And we continue to feel it.

Since beginning our Avelyn SonShine Journey, we have ordered over 1,000 children's bibles total thus far - thanks to God's grace and YOU. If you have yet to see one or get one and would like one, we would love for you to! Let us know how we can do this. God is doing big things, and we know this will continue - one child, one family at a time.


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The Battles. The Blessings.

8/8/2015

 
10:25pm   Why does God give each of us certain battles He has us face? Why is it the particular battle it is? Why is it for me…or for you? — Why couldn’t someone else have accepted it/endured it, instead of me, or you? Why did we only have 16 precious days with our 3rd daughter, in a Children’s Hospital, and then lose her because her heart couldn’t keep up anymore? Why have other friends and family members lost sons, daughters, moms, dads, mom AND dad, a husband, a wife, sisters, brothers - long before their time, or endured long-suffering illnesses themselves? So many battles. Each of us has them. Too many to name.

On Monday as I was riding with Josh across the long, and I’ll admit sometimes boring, but wide-open beautiful plains of Kansas, I began pondering these thoughts. Why do we face these battles? I thought of a few possible reasons: to share God’s grace - God’s gift of salvation with others, for God to share His mercy - His peace with us, for us to ‘shine our light’ on others, and because we are sinful people…these are only a few thoughts I had, as there are most definitely many, many other reasons I will probably never know or understand - not that I even understand the possible reasons I listed! Reasons only He knows. Maybe we will someday know, but not on this side of heaven…

And what about the blessings??? We visited my parents and sister’s families’ church in Goodland this weekend, and even though I have heard the definition of ‘Grace’ - probably many times before, it was good to hear it again. ‘Grace’ is “getting something you don’t deserve.” We probably all forget to look at life this way all too often. We take so many things for granted!! So many things we do not deserve, but that we have anyway. Like, well pretty much everything. We need to acknowledge Him. Thank you God, for lavishing your grace, your blessings on us!

God sent His one and only Son to die for me, and for you. This is something NONE of us deserve. Talk about grace!!!  Jesus, the only man never to sin, took ALL sin upon Him and died on the cross for all of us sinners. He rose out of His tomb on the 3rd day, so that all of us - that know Him AND put all our faith in Him, could be forgiven and be given eternal life immediately upon accepting Him.—Not just when we die, but immediately we have eternal life. Those who have accepted Him, have eternal life. Already! Is this you? If not, please join us! For those too young or who do not have the mental capacity to make this decision to join Him, they are given God’s exceptional mercy and have eternal life; this is how I know I will see our precious Avelyn in heaven when my time on this earth is over. If you are capable of making decisions, make this decision to believe in Jesus and have immediate eternal life. And follow through with it. Take steps to help your faith grow. It has definitely been a process for me…and it’s ongoing, no doubt.
THIS is God’s grace - to the fullest extent.
One of the reasons I believe we lost our sweet daughter is so that I could share this message with you; this message of God's grace, giving us salvation - eternal life. SO PLEASE HEAR HIS MESSAGE, PRAY TO GOD, & ACCEPT HIM!! Then share your news with others, with me; I would LOVE to hear it; come talk to me…this would bless me more than you could ever imagine!!

You sharing this with me would honestly bless me similarly to how the news I am about to share has blessed us; I seriously don’t know which would be a bigger blessing!! Both HUGE blessings. We have begun to share with others our news. We are expecting baby #4 - due Valentine’s Day 2016. :) Josh, the girls, and I are so excited…thrilled beyond belief. This is a huge blessing for us. I really don’t understand God’s plan or God’s timing with our lives since our lives dramatically changed over a year ago. Some things I look at as battles, some things blessings. I likely will never understand any of it, but I will do the best I can - with much assistance from God - with all the battles, and I will receive the blessings - always trying to remember they are extremely precious gifts from God - that I don’t deserve. And either way, I will always be able to lavish in God’s peace, which has helped me tremendously these past several months. 

So I have shared with you. If you are feeling prompted to accept Him, this is His Holy Spirit. Don’t ignore it! Pray to God. Tell Him your ABC’s; I know I have mentioned this before, but I am doing it again; this is how important it is to me. Admit you are a sinner. Tell God you Believe in His Son Jesus. Confess your need for Him as your Savior. The ABC’s. And then share. You don’t have to. This is not a requirement for your salvation. I would just LOVE to hear. It would make my heart beyond full. Like I said before, a huge blessing. I love you, & God does too! :)

Wow...

6/6/2015

 
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2:50am
Wow family & friends. I am completely overwhelmed, absolutely amazed, and beyond humbled. Tonight I have been crunching numbers. Adding up totals from race registrations...from the silent auction...from donations we've received in checks or cash...from donations we have received through our 'Donate Now' button, through National Christian Foundation, on our website. I feel like a darned accountant this evening!! Ha! ;) Sorry it has taken me so long to get these numbers out; I still feel like I am un-burying our home from the mess we created from focusing on race stuff for so long. A lot goes into this and I'm realizing it doesn't end when the race ends! Lol :) Are you ready for this? This just blows my mind. But God is able. Obviously. Our final totals will allow us to order over 900 children's bibles. This will take us over 1,000 bibles with the ones we have already been able to order from Avelyn's memorial funds and the ones the Nathan Project ordered for us. Wow. I literally have goose bumps right now. Thank you God. Thank you ALL. You are making a difference. My mind is racing right now. The children, the families that will receive these. Please God, help it make a difference in each of their lives!!

Now I am overwhelmed with tears flowing. Oh sweet Avelyn we miss you so much. I know I have said it so many times before...I don't understand His ways. I don't understand why this had to happen. Sweet girl, I wish I was holding you this very moment. After you passed and before your memorial service, we were encouraged to find a specific cause that we wanted your memorial funds to go. Praise God, he helped us be patient. For several weeks after your memorial service, we still didn't know what we wanted the funds to go toward; thankfully people still so generously gave. Our prayer the entire time for the memorial funds was (as we stated in our thank-you notes to those who gave to your memorial fund) that: " #1 the funds will go to something impactful - something that will make a positive difference in the lives of others, and #2 - they will go to something long-lasting, something that will continue to live on - not just a one-time donation to a good cause." What better than a children's bible to fulfill these 2 hopes? And we can't take credit for the idea either. Along with everything else we were dealing with shortly after you passed, this was weighing very heavily on my heart, not knowing what to do with your memorial funds. What were we supposed to do?!?! So much else going on mentally, emotionally, and even physically as I continued to wean from 'nursing,' I could not figure out what He wanted us to do, what you would want us to do. Then finally a heavy weight lifted off my chest...thankfully, through the Holy Spirit - as he states, Ron Stiles with the Nathan Project (nathanproject.com), whom I had just briefly met and Josh hadn't even met yet, called and asked, "What about children's bibles?" I think I still have the message saved. Lol. :) So...we don't always understand His ways. We never will. That being said, thank you all for helping us through. For allowing us to be surrounded by so many loving people who are helping us to get Your Word into the hands of Your children.

Are you all ready?? Thank you for letting your light shine with us on May 23rd!! It was a beautiful day. Yes, it was cloudy, but the rain held off and we even saw the sunshine peeking through at times. :) I don't think I shared with many of you that the race day just happened to fall on the day that Avelyn passed away a year ago - May 23rd. Initially I REALLY didn't want it that way. (Sorry, brief pause, Aili just got out of bed and walked down the hall to give me a much needed hug & squeeze. :) She probably thought it was more for her...that she needed it more, but little did she know... :) ). Anyway...we really wanted the race date to be May 2nd (the 1st weekend in May), but there were 2 other events in Spring Hill that day; a 5K race and a bike race. I didn't want it on Mother's Day weekend (the 2nd weekend) because I have a friend that has had her race on that weekend in the past. And I didn't want it the 3rd weekend because that would be graduation weekend for many and I didn't think that would go over well. The 5th weekend of May I was scheduled to work. We really wanted it in May, so each year we have the race it will be around Avelyn's birthday. So that left the 4th weekend in May.--Which, just so happened to be May 23rd. Not happy about it, but that day it would be. The more I got to think about it though - after we had decided the date (by default), the more I thought 'this is the day our daughter met Jesus - our Savior...the moment she found herself in heaven...' Yes, it's the day she died, but I would rather look at it from the eyes of eternity. This is the day she left her temporary home for her eternal home. What better day to celebrate, to honor our daughter, than the day she found herself in Jesus' arms? So how about you? Are you prepared for this? Yes, we want you to let your light shine, but 1st, PLEASE let Jesus into your heart. ADMIT you are a sinner; that you fall short and cannot go without sinning. Because of this, in order to join Avelyn in heaven, we need God's grace. Tell Jesus you BELIEVE in Him; you believe He died on the cross, was buried, and on the 3rd day was resurrected. CONFESS your sins to Him and your need for Him, that you NEED His grace. Remember these ABC's: Admit, Believe, Confess. Please friends & family!! Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you everyday and allow Him to do this. To truly let your light shine, He needs you to do this. Once you do this, tell others...a fellow believer!! Ask him or her to help you along the way; he or she will help you - and you will help him/her, as well, I guarantee it.--It's a journey: not easy, but worth it.

Please read this about the Age of Accountability that is on the inside back cover of the children's bibles (the soon to be over 1,000 of them!!! :) ) that we will be giving away:

The Age of Accountability:
1) How do we know Avelyn is in heaven?
We rejoice in the fact that Avelyn is in heaven; we know she is there from what we read in Scripture. Yes,
in Romans 3:23 it does state, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God;” we are all born
sinners. But we also know God gives exceptional mercy to His children, because as He states in Deuteronomy 1:39, “little ones…children…do not yet know good from bad…” We are comforted by what King
David says after his 7 day old child dies; in 2 Samuel 12:23 he states, “…Can I bring him back again? I will
go to him, but he will not return to me.” The Bible - God’s Word - makes it clear that King David knew one
day he would go to be with his baby in heaven. And Jesus Himself states, “Let the little children come to
me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
The Word of God gives us such peace, knowing our baby girl is in heaven!

2) How can we be assured we will join her there?
There comes a time when each of us reaches a mental capacity and is mature enough to accept the
responsibility for our sins and be held accountable for them; when we are able to understand and
choose whether or not to put our faith in God. In John 3:36 it states, ” Whoever believes in the Son has
eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on him.” A person
escapes this wrath of God when he accepts responsibility for his own sinful condition and personally
accepts Jesus Christ as Savior. We can’t rely on our parents or our siblings or our friends to do that—it is
something that each of us must take care of—individually and personally—so when our time has come
to an end on this earth, we will enter His kingdom of heaven for eternity. We pray with all our heart that
YOU will escape this wrath and make the decision to accept Christ as your Savior!
And then:
“… let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in
heaven.” Matthew 5:16


I often ask myself, how many people being saved - giving their life to God because of Avelyn's story - would make it okay that we 'lost' her: None - no matter the #, it won't ever be okay? 1,000? 100? 10? 1? Honestly I can't answer this question. Only when I join my daughter in heaven will I be able to maybe more easily see God's plan. Maybe then I will better understand. Or maybe as Ron Stiles told us, maybe by then it won't matter, we won't care, we won't have the need to understand anymore. Because we will be with Him. Before that time, while I continue my journey on earth - my temporary home - I will do the best I can to live my life for Him. I already know I am His. I have absolutely no fear of dying because I know where I'm going. How about you? Are you ready? Do you TRULY know where you are going if that day comes next year, next month, next week, tomorrow, today? I hope so. If not, decide right now TO KNOW. State those ABC's listed above and, even though you don't have to, I encourage you to talk to a believer about it, someone you know and trust whose heart is with Him. We are here for you. I am here for you.

Friends & family, I love you. As I pray everyday for our older daughters to know Him (Brooklan has already prayed the prayer of salvation), and to grow in Him, so that I will not only spend eternity in heaven with God, my husband, and Avelyn, but also with my older daughters. I also want you there with us, as well!!! Sorry for the deep, deep thoughts during these wee hours of the morning, but you all mean so much to me. Your thoughts, prayers, hugs, generous gifts, and pure love has just meant so much to me that I at least need you to hear this message and know how you are able to join me in heaven one day. It's up to you. This life on earth is short, and eternity is, well eternal - a LONG time. I don't think the day will be tomorrow, but you never know... Decide now. Don't let it be too late... Please.

Love & Hugs to each of you. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

Rain & Sunshine filled 1st Birthday 'Celebration'

5/8/2015

 
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It was a beautiful day. Actually a perfect day - all things considered.—I was able to see my Sunshine through the clouds (I got some great pictures - with the sun shining even through the rain) and we also got to dance in the rain. Couldn’t have asked for a more perfect day of weather.—It so represents all we have felt this past year. Sunshine & rain. Avelyn’s birthday cake was also perfect. Thanks Jenn! We were able to sing happy birthday to Avelyn, and of course enjoy some cake and ice cream, too. :) Thank you for your prayers. I actually held it together very well all day.--Your prayers have apparently helped with this the past year more than I’ve known; Aili, who is typically very observant, told me this morning everyone cries, but “I never heard Mommy & Daddy cry.” So, thank you. :)  I think it’s okay for her to see us cry – and I told her mommies & daddies do cry; but for her to say this, gives me peace knowing she hasn’t noticed us being in this ‘state’ for long periods of time.

It was a good day yesterday. My co-workers were very sweet while I was @ work.—Talking about Avelyn and sharing a little, but not over-whelming; very appreciative of all this. Before dinner, Josh, the girls, & I went to Brooklan’s school for the science/art/book fair night for a little while because Brooklan really wanted to do this; it was neat seeing the kids’ projects. When we got home, I just kind of had an empty feeling; I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have any ideas for dinner and I didn’t know how our evening should go. I’ve never done this before. I knew we had the cake, but what else? And how was that supposed to work? Josh so graciously offered to take on dinner. So thankful for this. I decided to sit out on the back porch, and when I did light raindrops began to fall. Perfect. God is starting to plan our evening for us. Time to enjoy the rain. :) I’ve always loved the rain, but this love grew more when God sat me on our front porch for a few minutes - around 2am in the early morning of May 23rd - to enjoy the peaceful rain before we got the call from one of Avelyn’s doctors, letting us know she wasn’t doing well; her blood pressure kept dropping. ‘Peaceful Rain’ I believe is what I titled the post about this almost a year ago. Before we got that call, I had actually taken pictures of the rain, from our front porch, those wee hours of the morning because it was so peaceful; God knew I would need these moments – to feel this peace – before we headed to the hospital to spend – what we didn’t know at the time – would be our last day on this earth with our baby girl. So that’s why the rain, especially a peaceful, light rain means even more to me now. Enjoy that rain, friends. As my friend Ashley says, dance in it. :)

While Josh was cooking, the girls & I went out to enjoy the peaceful rain. We took the girls' Hello Kitty umbrella with us just for kicks & because the girls think it is fun. :) We didn’t use it much, but it was still super fun when we did.  The girls were swinging (Brooklan made a ‘built-in umbrella’ above her swing; not sure how well that worked! :) ),we all ran around in the rain, and Aili started going down the slide – then later she convinced me to go with her. :) That was an adventure!—The combo of slick scrub pants and a wet surface, makes for one fast trip down the slide! Who needs Schlitterbahn or Oceans of Fun with that combo?!?! At least that’s how I felt after Aili and I flew down that thing. And of course we did it more than once. ;)

After dinner we opened Avelyn’s cake Jenn had made; we kept it hidden up to this point, so that was super fun and such a special moment. We sang to our baby girl, then we ate up. Enjoying each other, and of course enjoying the cake & ice cream, too. :) I made it through and was truly able to enjoy it.—No doubt it was your prayers and God’s strength helping me through. I think it was super special for our big girls, which made it even that much better for me, too.

God continued to help me through the rest of the night; He kept me super busy. For the past month, each time I check the mail for registrations for our Let Your Light Shine run—or get some that someone has left in Brooklan’s folder or in our front door or on our front porch :), I try to enter them in the computer as soon as possible. We started the day yesterday with 62 people registered. After spending lots of time with it last night & a little time this morning, we are now at exactly 100! Wow. PraiseGod! I know we have at least a few more coming in, as well. That’s a lot of children’s bibles. :) Thank you!!!

After being up extremely late the night before, I was super tired. Josh had just gotten home from bible study and working out and was resting on the couch, so I went in and laid on his lap. A perfect place to fall asleep. Thank you for your prayers friends. Thank you for the cards, your registrations, for simply loving on & caring for us. Everything means so much. You each have your own ways of helping us. Thank you for carrying us through. It will be a tough month. On my way back from Muffins with Moms this morning at Brooklan’s school, I was thinking that exactly a year ago, I was wheeling myself down the hall early in the morning to go spend time with our Sweet Avelyn. I will always cherish those moments. I was even able to do this on Mother’s Day last year, as it was my last morning as a patient in the hospital. Such special times. Love on your little ones, your big ones, your grandkids – whoever the children are in your life. Snuggle with them. I had a thought the other night for any young moms out there. I was snuggling with Aili before bed – actually after she was supposed to be in bed asleep – but always seems to convince me to come back in to snuggle with her more, and this thought came upon me… Sometimes I’m thinking ‘really Aili…do you really need me to come back in again?’ Then the Spirit told me to “fast forward a few years – 10 years, 15 years…act as though you are holding your daughter then…how much more do you want to enjoy this moment NOW?” So try it –especially you young moms, as your hugging, snuggling, & holding the children in your life, fast forward a few years, then see how much more precious those hugs, those snuggles at this moment become. EnJOY.


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LOVE the cake Jenn made. Just perfect. A huge Sunshine as well as Avelyn's name written/shining on the clouds. :)
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Love the sun & it's rays bursting through the clouds here, with small raindrop spots @ the bottom of the picture indicating the sun still shines - bursts through - even in the rain.

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As I was sitting in my car waiting to pick up Brooklan from running club, I took this picture while raindrops were falling on my arm.
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Look @ that Sunshine in the shape of a star, shining even through the rain.
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Another pic with a zoomed-in look @ that Sunshine 'star.'

Letter to my Baby Girl on her 1st Birthday

5/7/2015

 
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12:25 am

To my sweet Avelyn KayLee Grace ~

Happy 1st Birthday baby girl. It is officially here. May 7th. Exactly a year ago, your Daddy & I - your big pregnant Mommy - traveled to Children's Mercy for an early morning appt for you. The sono specialist/physician on May 5th had noticed possible fluid on your heart and he recommended you have an echocardiogram to "rule this out." This appt was set up for May 7th @ 8am - and never in our wildest dreams did we think you would be arriving just a few short hours after this. Immediately after they delivered you via C-section and you were stabilized, they wheeled me in to see you. I later realized you already had tubes & wires hooked up to you, but at that moment I didn't see any of them. All I remember is me reaching for your hand, holding your hand, then you turning to look at me - opening your eyes to see me as you heard my voice. Little did I know this would be one of only a few times you would be able to open your eyes; your little body was so swollen you weren't able to do this easily. This fact makes this moment even that much more precious; that by the sound of my voice, you opened those heavy, swollen eyes and turned to look at me, your Mommy. This moment is so precious to me; thankfully one of your sweet nurses took pictures of this moment, but even without them, I will always have this moment engrained in my head, and in my heart. At that moment and for the next 2 weeks the thought never, ever crossed my mind that we would have to say goodbye to you only 16 short days later. It wasn't until the day before you found yourself in heaven that I finally realized this was a possibility.

On the evening of your 16th day, just before you found yourself in heaven, another moment I will always have in my mind and cherish in my heart is the picture of your Daddy holding you, looking at you intently, singing & talking to you - and as the picture shows - a tear glistening down his cheek. We were taking all of this in for a few minutes before the doctor came back in to check on you again and at that exact time stated you were gone. As hard as this moment was and as much as I was sobbing, I love this precious picture because you went from being alive - lying in your Daddy's arms, enjoying his presence, his voice, his love - immediately into your heavenly Father's arms - enjoying His presence, His voice, His love. Hard for us. Freedom for you.

We are going to try our best to celebrate you today. Just a small celebration with me, your daddy, & your sisters. Where God has led us since you were born has been quite the journey. A roller coaster full of ups & downs. Missing you with all that we are & at the same time seeing, hearing, and feeling the impact of the short life you did live and the lasting impact you are making from your seat high above us all. This impact has been on me - your Mommy, on your Daddy, on friends & family who have shared stories with us, and as my new friend Kim put it today - on many others down the road we will probably never even realize. Our Avelyn SonShine Journey is well underway and we are hoping and praying the children's bibles - God's Word in stories, will change lives for Him.

I am so thankful for our friend Jenn who graciously offered to make a cake for you for your 1st birthday. She admitted she didn't know what to say/ask, how to say it, or even is she should, but I had been thinking about this, and her timing couldn't have been better. Praise God. So tonight we will put 3 candles on your cake - one for you and one for each of your sisters. We will celebrate you. I'm not sure how I will do or where my emotions will be; I pray I can keep it together for your sisters' sake. One thing I do know, you're having a beautiful party in heaven today, bigger & better than any party any of us here on earth will ever have. Knowing you are happy, healthy - free of all tubes & wires, and sitting in the holy presence of our Lord & Savior gives me such peace & inner joy.

I miss you so much baby girl. I am so thankful for you and the love I was able to show you during your short time here on this earth; we packed in a whole lotta love in those 16 days and I am thankful for every moment.

"You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear how much I love you." Your Sun - Shines for me every day.

Happy 1st Birthday sweet Avelyn. Mommy loves you...







Full of Emotion: First Shipment of Bibles Arrived, 1st Birthday Approaching, Race Coming...

4/24/2015

 
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12:15 a.m.     Earlier this week we received our first shipment of bibles. We have 50 total thus far and are hoping and praying to order many, many more. Tonight Ben brought over the labels that have been printed thus far that are ready to go in the bibles; we have all the labels except the 'Let Your Light Shine' logo stickers that will go on the front, which should be ready early next week. Thank you Ben! I have placed the first set of prints in our first bible!! One of the things Josh thought of was to do a dedication sticker to place in each bible, so when someone gives it to a/their child he/she/they are able to say who it's to and write their own name(s) on the 'From' line; also on the "From" line, Josh had the idea to add "God." After all, He wrote it and has given it to all of us. I just finished our first bible and selfishly wanted this first one for us...except the roles are reversed from what they normally would be.

To: Mommy & Daddy

From: Your daughter Avelyn KayLee Grace & God

Tears after writing this on the bible she and our God have given us... So many emotions. Over a week ago when we were nearing finalizing our prints to put in the bibles and I had just placed the order for the bibles, I was so excited. Absolutely thrilled to get this ministry going and start handing out the children's bibles. Then it hit me. Immediately after literally being thrilled, I was devastated. Emotions began to overwhelm me. None of this would be happening if I would have been holding our daughter at that moment. Bam. We will never understand this side of earth why this is. As Ron, Nathan Stiles dad - with The Nathan Project, shared with us: Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." A verse I have had memorized for a few years now, but now look at in a whole new 'light.' Like Ron said, when he gets to heaven, he will either finally understand - or once he's there - with our Savior and his son, he won't care. So true. :)

Back to the dedication sticker... I truly believe Avelyn wants me to have this bible. Quick story...since Avelyn passed, I have always kept a few pictures of her on my phone's photo gallery. When I went to transfer the attached pictures from my phone to the computer so I could attach them here, instead of pushing the back arrow on my computer to scan through the most recent pictures, I accidentally pushed the wrong arrow. Immediately after the picture of the bibles, her picture popped up, and it happens to be my favorite picture of her. Tears again. She's encouraging us. She wants us to have this bible. She & God want you to have this bible, or another bible, in your hands to read and learn and grow in Him. No doubt about it.

Someone asked me yesterday how we have done all this - the race, the bibles, etc. The short answer - we haven't. There's no way on earth my own strength has allowed any of this to happen. I give all the glory to God. He has surrounded us by so many people praying for us & so many people helping us along this journey - from our logo, which our friend Pete helped us design shortly after she passed, to now - holding this bible in my hands. More tears. Indescribable. Amazing. A miracle. My hope and prayer is that there are many, many, many more of these bibles to order and to get into the hands of God's children. You.

Please continue to pray for us along our Avelyn SonShine Journey. Also, if you would like to help in other ways, we would love to have you join us for our 1st Let Your Light Shine Mile Family Walk & 5K event on May 23rd!! ALL proceeds from this event will go toward buying more children's bibles. Sign up before May 7th and you will get a t-shirt (thank you to our sponsors!). If this does not work for you but you would still like to help in other ways, please go to our website www.letyourlight-shine.com and click on the 'Donate Now' button. This link takes you to our fund we have set up through The National Christian Foundation, and they will send us an e-mail alerting us of your donation. Again, all the funds donated here will go to buying more children's bibles. A HUGE thank you to those of you who have already donated to our Avelyn SonShine Journey fund or our memorial fund!! And most of all, keep praying - as Avelyn would be having her 1st birthday on May 7th...and as we continue our race planning. Through all this, I will remember Isaiah 40:31 "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Thank you!! We appreciate you all so much!!


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    Michele

    Avelyn's Mommy - Lover of Jesus - Receiver of God's GRACE

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