11:50pm  This t-shirt literally makes me laugh out loud. I seriously considered getting one! But there's one thing wrong with it; under "World's Okayest Wife" I would need to add, "and Mother and Daughter and Sister...etc." :) I saw it on Sunday on a facebook page someone had liked - Lolly Wolly Doodle. I took a screen shot of it, and every time I look at it or think about it, it makes me laugh. It has been on my mind a lot since I first saw it.
​Two opposing thoughts come to mind when I see it. On one hand, I don't like it because I don't think we should settle for being "okay." I feel God has placed us on this earth for a purpose and we need to use our God-given abilities to do our best in each situation God deals us. We need to Let Our Light Shine! :)
​But on the other hand, I love the t-shirt because in the world's eyes, we will never be "The best...," which is what most t-shirts like this say, right?--"The World's Best Wife...Mom...Dad...Grandparent, etc." In our society these days, we are constantly competing. Competing against our friends, our neighbors, our acquaintances, our families, and even people we don't know. We even a lot of times compete against ourselves; we are sometimes our own worst enemy. Social media obviously plays a huge role in this! With pinterest, seeing other kids' extravagant birthday parties, our friends' beautiful homes, our co-workers' or kids' amazing achievements, how long a friend spent exercising, etc, we are constantly comparing ourselves with others, with worldly things. We need to be okay with being the "okayest" at these things...NOT "the world's best." Instead of comparing ourselves with worldly things, we need to focus on what God wants for us. In my book "Once a Day Every Day...for a Woman of Grace" devotional from Monday, it stated, "Society seeks to mold us into more worldly beings; God seeks to mold us into new beings that are most certainly not conformed to this world...we must conform ourselves instead to God's will. It also has a quote by C.S. Lewis:
"Ambition! We must be careful what we mean by it. If it means the desire to get ahead of other people--which is what I think it does mean--then it is bad. If it simply means wanting to do a thing well, then it is good. It isn't wrong for an actor to want to act his part as well as it can possibly be acted, but the wish to have his name in bigger type than the other actors is a bad one."
​I started a new bible study tonight at church; it's called "Breathe" by Priscilla Shirer. For this particular study at our church, it's supposed to be for 18 to 35"ish" year olds, but my 38 year old self went to crash that party tonight! Lol. My friend Yvonne is leading the study and she had previously discussed with Kim, the pastor's wife, something that was totally applicable for me in all this. They were talking about instead of comparing yourself to others/worldly things--even to other Christians (like how much - or how little - one serves in the church or attends a bible study), ask GOD "what do You want me to do in my life...with this, or with that." So true!! Because what He wants with one person, he may want something totally different from His other child(ren).Stop comparing and competing with others AND with yourself! Where does GOD want YOU to SHINE? And where does He need you to cut yourself a little more slack? Listen to Him, not the world!
​So there's no need to be "the world's best," but also at the same time don't settle for being "the okayest." :) God wants you to be your best in His eyes. I pray you are able to find peace and enJOYment in this.
​May God Bless each of you...in His journey for YOU.

16 Days. The number of days we have had to love on our little guy thus far here on this earth.
​16 Days. The number of days we had to love on our sweet Avelyn here on this earth. Period.

​It's so crazy to think about our journey the past 2 weeks and 2 days vs our journey almost 2 years ago. This time is how it's ​supposed ​to go, how a mommy envisions things going...feeding your new little one, changing LOTS of diapers - and with a little boy we are finding out having some fountain-like experiences during those diaper changes :), and getting in LOTS and LOTs of snuggles at every chance possible. Thankfully we are blessed to be experiencing all of these beautiful things this time around. Two years ago come May, was much different. No nursing, but lots of pumping - enough the staff @ Children's Mercy graciously informed me there was no more room for my abundant milk to be stored in their freezer. Lol. A few diaper changes, but many wires & tubes to work around; good thing there were no fountain-like moments then, as that would have been a whole new ballgame. LOTS of snuggles, but in a different way; unable to hold our sweet Avelyn until a few moments before our Father held her, but still loving on her nonetheless - by holding her hand (or I should say her squeezing our fingers :) ) or by doing what the nurses called "hand hugs" where I would place one hand on her head and the other somewhere else on her fighting but swollen body, and by singing to her at every chance I could - "You Are My Sunshine," "Overcomer," "Beautiful Girl."...trying to show her love in whatever way I could since we were unable to do typical baby snuggles.

​At my 6 week follow-up appointment with the nurse practitioner at Children's Mercy two years ago come June, I just so happened to run into the OB who delivered Avelyn, Dr. Satija. This was a meeting set up by God, as Dr. Satija is rarely at Children's Mercy (she mainly works next door at Truman) and she only works 24 hour shifts (and spends a lot of this time at Truman). We just spoke briefly, but these words I will never forget.--She said she was thankful that Avelyn was here on this earth long enough for us to "show her how much we loved her." At first this kind of upset me, as I didn't fully understand or even necessarily agree with what she was saying. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. We weren't guaranteed 16 days with our sweet daughter - just like none of us - none of our kids, grandkids, moms, or dads - are guaranteed any days here on this earth. And for Avelyn, if Josh hadn't of asked the doctor @ Overland Park Regional further questions about her hydrops, and specifically her heart, on May 5th - we most likely would have been sent home to wait for another week until our next appointment, and maybe never met our sweet girl alive on this earth. But instead, as a result of Josh's questions and God's amazing grace, the doctor that day did further testing and referred us to Children's Mercy with an appt. on May 7th to "rule-out" a heart condition...only for a few hours later for us to meet our sweet daughter and welcome her into this world. Things thankfully fell into place so that we were able to meet her on this earth...and spend a precious 16 days with her, and be able to show her how much we love her.

​As for the love shown to both Avelyn and AJ for these 16 days each, I truly believe - though shown in different ways - it is the same love. We gave all the love we had to Avelyn those 16 days, just as we have given all our love to AJ. A couple brilliant suggestions Aili's pediatrician gave us to help AJ get his days and nights figured out has been to, during the day: open up our blinds - to let the sunshine in :)  - and also to have some noise going on. So, the other day I was going through some of the songs on my phone and listening to them as I was holding AJ. I came upon a song I had gotten about 2 years ago. It's called "Slip on By" by Finding Favour. If you have time, please listen to it. Here is the link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrrXghWl0bM
​And here it is on YouTube:

A few lines stand out to me.
​"Hear the sound of my little boy sayin, 'Daddy can you come play with me?' but I was too busy."
​"That I'm never gonna let another moment like this slip on by."
​"And God gives us only so much precious time."

​It's so easy to let time "Slip on By." But friends, let's try to make the most of it. "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalm 118:24) Make time for God - our Savior. And make time for others you love, those whom YOU want to show how much you love them. ​Tell them, show them, love them. Our precious time here on this earth ​will ​slip on by. It ​is ​slipping by at this moment. Give your life to Christ, then let Him multiply your love for all those around you. Make the most of whatever number ​your "16 days" might be to show them ​how much you love them.

​Love & Hugs to each of you...

​A few pics from our 16 days:

9:40pm   Have you heard the song by Hillsong United titled "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"? If not, google it. When I was in the shower the other night, this song came on the radio and tears began to fall as I remembered hearing this song so many times (as it had just recently come out) when Avelyn was in the hospital, and after she had passed. I remember it one time in particular when I was driving home from spending time with Avelyn at Children's Mercy downtown; I was PRAYING, bawling, crying out to Him the part of the song that repeats itself "SPIRIT LEAD ME WHERE MY TRUST IS WITHOUT BORDERS."
God answered my prayer. The past 2 years for us have been filled with major ups & major downs. Through it all, God has helped me trust Him more, to trust Him "without borders." My faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ has grown immensely; I am SO thankful for this. Although I don't understand His ways, He has helped me let go & give more of my life, myself to Him, TRUSTING - despite my inability to understand. I pray this for YOU, as well.
​Today we are experiencing our most major "up" of the past couple years. We are extremely humbled and blessed to introduce Andersen J D R Ivans. Born on 2.22.16 @ 2:42pm, weighing 8 lbs 14oz, and 20 inches long.
​HIs first name we have had tucked away since we found out we were pregnant with our 1st child - a daughter - more than 10 years ago; 2 more daughters later, and now a son, we have stuck with it.--Since Josh didn't go for Peyton Von Ivans (at least I loved your idea, Amber! :) ), we are sticking with Andersen. :) We love the name Andersen even more now than we did 10 years ago, as it begins, ends, and sounds somewhat similar to Avelyn. :) His middle name/initials are after his Daddy & his grandpas. His grandpas made it a lot tougher on us than his grandmas. Avelyn's middle name KayLee was super easy, named after her Grandmas Marilyn Kay Ivans and Jean Lee Hallagin. Trying to combine his grandpas names Donald Clayde Ivans & Rolland Alvernon Hallagin was extremely difficult, if not next to impossible; you should have seen some of the combinations we and google came up with. Lol. So...we have gone with initials only - no actual middle name: JDR - J for Joshua, D for Don, and R for Rollie. Andersen JDR Ivans. Different, but with meaning, and we love it. We will call him A.J.
​Welcome to our arms, A.J. Ivans. We are so thankful God has blessed us with your presence. We pray God will guide us as He has entrusted you into our care while we live our SHORT lives here on this earth. With His help, we pray we will help you and your sisters faith to grow in Christ - that each of you will confess your faith in Christ - so that all 5 of us will one day join your big sister Avelyn in heaven - for ETERNITY.
​Love, your Mommy

11:55pm     Expecting baby #4 has been such a blessing. Something we never expected to be doing before Avelyn was born, but something we hoped for awhile after she passed. Even though everything has gone great so far, because of our history my OB wanted me to have my 18-20 week ultrasound with a specialist. She mentioned a couple places she typically sends her patients to see a specialist, but instead we asked if we could go to Children's Mercy since we are familiar with the staff there. Wednesday morning we got our big girls on the bus, then we headed to downtown KC. The mixture of emotions was about to begin. We were thrilled for our appointment; so excited to hopefully find out if we would be having a boy or girl. :) But as we pulled into the parking garage at Children's Mercy, I said 'this brings back a lot of memories;' Josh said he was thinking the exact same thing. Everyday for 16 days we parked there, looking forward to seeing our baby girl - but not where we had expected to be for the first few days of our 3rd daughter's life. So as we pulled in there, these emotions flooded us as we prepared to go "see" the new baby we are expecting.

So many similarities between then & now. Yesterday we sat in the exact same waiting room as we had over a year ago. A small waiting room, as Children's Mercy is obviously a hospital for children, but about 4 years ago they added this small area for expecting moms that may need extra care - a small area for diagnostic testing and a hallway of 6 inpatient rooms for delivering babies. Probably 10-11 chairs in the waiting room to choose from. We were the first ones there early yesterday morning. I chose to sit in a different chair this time around.

The morning of the day Avelyn would later be born, we waited in that waiting room for our fetal echocardiogram that was supposed to "rule out" any heart condition she might have. After the echo, we met with some pediatric cardiologists, then we had a regular ultrasound; immediately after this they recommended our baby girl be born that day via C-section. Yesterday as we were sitting in that same waiting room, Josh recalled that on the day Avelyn was born, the pictures on his phone went from one picture of an article of a magazine he was reading in that waiting room - to a picture of his new baby girl. From "ruling-out" --  to baby born. Yesterday as we were waiting we saw and got to talk to a couple nurses that took care of me after Avelyn was born and we also saw one the neonatologists that took care of Avelyn. It was so nice to see these familiar faces; in some ways this helps me feel Avelyn's presence.

We finally got called back to the ultrasound room; the same one we had been in for the ultrasound of Avelyn a few hours before she was born last May. And the same ultrasound tech did our ultrasound. I don't really remember the words she said last time during Avelyn's ultrasound, but the words I heard her say yesterday were like a constant beautiful sound of music to my ears. With each measurement she took, we heard " beautiful...gorgeous...beautiful...beautiful..." This gave me so much peace. It seems like not many techs are allowed to say much; so thankful this tech is allowed to. And she was so sweet. After meeting with her, we met with the doctor - who confirmed everything looked great. Praise God! Such a contrast from the way we felt after leaving that same room on May 7, 2014.

As I was thinking about our day yesterday, I thought of a familiar verse in the bible. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." The 2nd portion of those verses got me this time: "in ALL your ways acknowledge Him (the beautiful times AND the hard times - always knowing God, having that deep faith in Him), and He will make your paths straight." In life, it's like we are on this path. As we walk along, live along our path, sometimes the road - the journey - veers off in a direction you never imagine yourself going through; a challenging time none of us would ever choose. At other times, our path veers off in a way that is one of the most exciting, uplifting times of our lives. And in some ways, those drastically different journeys may be similar in some ways, like it was for us yesterday. But no matter what direction our path veers off toward, if you know Him, think about Him, acknowledge Him, have faith in Him - He will make your path straight. What does this straight path look like? This is where my perspective of this verse changed yesterday; I don't think it's a straight "earthly" path, I feel it's a different path; the path to Eternity with Him. The path to heaven. The path we are on once we accept Him. Things may not always be peachy keen here on this earth as our paths, our journey of our earthly life, leads in different directions - some negative, some positive. But with faith in Him, we will always remain on that straight path - to eternity.

The path for our family at this time here on this earth has led us to something we have never experienced before. Yes, we are expecting a baby BOY. We are both excited, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous. ;) I know Josh would be equally excited with a girl - as all we are praying for is a healthy baby - but I am so happy for him. :) As we were waiting in the waiting room yesterday, I read an article about a celebrity couple expecting their 2nd child. They already have a girl, and the wife wanted another girl. But when they found out they will be having a boy, the wife said she leapt for joy for her husband. This was a good thing to read a few minutes before we heard "It's a boy!" :) What an adventure it will be!

Love you friends. Thank you for your continued love, support, and prayers. Hoping to enjoy that straight path - to eternity - with ALL of you. <3

11:50pm     A week ago, because of the funds donated and raised from our 1st Let Your Light Shine Family Mile Walk & 5k - with Silent Auction, we were blessed to have 26 cases of children's bibles delivered to our front door. Each case contains 16 children's bibles. You do the math. :) That's A LOT of bibles! And on top of that (still with funds from donations & our race), our good friend Ron allowed us to have 26 additional cases sent to his shop in downtown Spring Hill to store them for us for a while. The past few nights I have been placing our story - which was printed on stickers by our good friend Ben - on the inside covers of each bible. I am so thankful to say tonight I have completed putting stickers in the 26 cases of bibles at our house. Praise God! I kind of started a game with myself; I think my fastest time was completing one case in 17 minutes. Ha! :) Now we just need to make the switch with Ron so we are able to get the stickers in the other 26 cases, as well.

What to do with these bibles? As our mission states, our goal is to get children's bibles into the hands of as many children & families as possible. We have the "lots of children's bibles" covered (for now :)  )...now it's the "children's and families hands" we need. :) We are blessed to say that from the bibles previously ordered with Avelyn's memorial funds (before our 1st Let Your Light Shine Family Mile Walk & 5K in May), God - via the work of His people - has helped place these bibles into many hands such as: children @ VBS in Kentucky on our church's youth mission trip, family & friends across the state of Kansas, an organization that spoke @ the Royals Faith & Family Day, a young couple staying at the Ronald McDonald House in downtown KC - for their daughter staying @ Children's Mercy, our friends in Colorado, a Kansas senator has ordered more than one case of bibles, local businesses in our small town including children/families at Spring Hill Family Medicine, and we know one bible was personally delivered to an orphanage in Thailand. Hearing these stories and especially seeing pictures of God's children receiving these bibles makes my heart so happy!!

And the journey has only begun. As I said, those bibles were delivered before our most recent shipment of over 800 bibles arrived!! We pray God has big plans for these bibles, as well. We have no doubt He does. :) A few places we have on our hearts to send the bibles: the local food pantry, local churches, Children's Mercy hospital in downtown KC, shelters in KC, foster homes, the Ronald McDonald House, to friends/families/strangers across the US - and around the world. :) If you have ideas that you feel God is leading you to share with us to give the bibles, please let us know!!!

This has definitely been a journey. With both of our big girls starting school a couple weeks ago, on my days off I have been trying to go through different areas of our house trying to better organize things to make life easier. Some things I have needed to organize for several months now, but just have not had the time (I'm sure at least some can relate :) ). One of the days I stumbled on some cards we received shortly after Avelyn passed. I have read them all at least one time before, but looking over them and reading them again last week reminded me of all the love and support we received during such a difficult time in our lives. These letters/cards, your prayers, and our faith are what got us through and gave us so much peace as we dealt with the loss of our daughter. I know I've said it before, but I will say it again, thank you. This really did me good to read through those cards and letters again. So much love. So much support. And we continue to feel it.

Since beginning our Avelyn SonShine Journey, we have ordered over 1,000 children's bibles total thus far - thanks to God's grace and YOU. If you have yet to see one or get one and would like one, we would love for you to! Let us know how we can do this. God is doing big things, and we know this will continue - one child, one family at a time.

10:25pm   Why does God give each of us certain battles He has us face? Why is it the particular battle it is? Why is it for me…or for you? — Why couldn’t someone else have accepted it/endured it, instead of me, or you? Why did we only have 16 precious days with our 3rd daughter, in a Children’s Hospital, and then lose her because her heart couldn’t keep up anymore? Why have other friends and family members lost sons, daughters, moms, dads, mom AND dad, a husband, a wife, sisters, brothers - long before their time, or endured long-suffering illnesses themselves? So many battles. Each of us has them. Too many to name.

On Monday as I was riding with Josh across the long, and I’ll admit sometimes boring, but wide-open beautiful plains of Kansas, I began pondering these thoughts. Why do we face these battles? I thought of a few possible reasons: to share God’s grace - God’s gift of salvation with others, for God to share His mercy - His peace with us, for us to ‘shine our light’ on others, and because we are sinful people…these are only a few thoughts I had, as there are most definitely many, many other reasons I will probably never know or understand - not that I even understand the possible reasons I listed! Reasons only He knows. Maybe we will someday know, but not on this side of heaven…

And what about the blessings??? We visited my parents and sister’s families’ church in Goodland this weekend, and even though I have heard the definition of ‘Grace’ - probably many times before, it was good to hear it again. ‘Grace’ is “getting something you don’t deserve.” We probably all forget to look at life this way all too often. We take so many things for granted!! So many things we do not deserve, but that we have anyway. Like, well pretty much everything. We need to acknowledge Him. Thank you God, for lavishing your grace, your blessings on us!

God sent His one and only Son to die for me, and for you. This is something NONE of us deserve. Talk about grace!!!  Jesus, the only man never to sin, took ALL sin upon Him and died on the cross for all of us sinners. He rose out of His tomb on the 3rd day, so that all of us - that know Him AND put all our faith in Him, could be forgiven and be given eternal life immediately upon accepting Him.—Not just when we die, but immediately we have eternal life. Those who have accepted Him, have eternal life. Already! Is this you? If not, please join us! For those too young or who do not have the mental capacity to make this decision to join Him, they are given God’s exceptional mercy and have eternal life; this is how I know I will see our precious Avelyn in heaven when my time on this earth is over. If you are capable of making decisions, make this decision to believe in Jesus and have immediate eternal life. And follow through with it. Take steps to help your faith grow. It has definitely been a process for me…and it’s ongoing, no doubt.
THIS is God’s grace - to the fullest extent.
One of the reasons I believe we lost our sweet daughter is so that I could share this message with you; this message of God's grace, giving us salvation - eternal life. SO PLEASE HEAR HIS MESSAGE, PRAY TO GOD, & ACCEPT HIM!! Then share your news with others, with me; I would LOVE to hear it; come talk to me…this would bless me more than you could ever imagine!!

You sharing this with me would honestly bless me similarly to how the news I am about to share has blessed us; I seriously don’t know which would be a bigger blessing!! Both HUGE blessings. We have begun to share with others our news. We are expecting baby #4 - due Valentine’s Day 2016. :) Josh, the girls, and I are so excited…thrilled beyond belief. This is a huge blessing for us. I really don’t understand God’s plan or God’s timing with our lives since our lives dramatically changed over a year ago. Some things I look at as battles, some things blessings. I likely will never understand any of it, but I will do the best I can - with much assistance from God - with all the battles, and I will receive the blessings - always trying to remember they are extremely precious gifts from God - that I don’t deserve. And either way, I will always be able to lavish in God’s peace, which has helped me tremendously these past several months. 

So I have shared with you. If you are feeling prompted to accept Him, this is His Holy Spirit. Don’t ignore it! Pray to God. Tell Him your ABC’s; I know I have mentioned this before, but I am doing it again; this is how important it is to me. Admit you are a sinner. Tell God you Believe in His Son Jesus. Confess your need for Him as your Savior. The ABC’s. And then share. You don’t have to. This is not a requirement for your salvation. I would just LOVE to hear. It would make my heart beyond full. Like I said before, a huge blessing. I love you, & God does too! :)