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Humbled.

4/12/2015

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11:30pm

Humbled. And I'm sure there's more of that to come.

"God is at work." Those are the words in an initial e-mail our new dear friend Ben sent us; he is helping us print stickers to put on & in our children's bibles we will be handing out. God is always at work, but this past week He has really opened my eyes to this more, and Ben's words put it perfectly. The last time I posted, I mentioned how Satan was over-powering my thoughts; God has given me so much strength this past week, and with His help I have renewed my mind (Romans 12:2) to focus on all He is doing in our lives. Some things are still being worked out, but He is helping us push onward to get so many things done, as well. As far down as I felt just a couple weeks ago, God has pulled me right back up and back on the journey He has us destined for. Praise God. I feel so humbled and extremely blessed by the way He helps to literally pull me through.

And the race goes on... Yes it's true! On Thursday we got the approval from the city we needed to make May 23rd our official race day for the 1st Annual Let Your Light Shine Family Walk/Run & 5K. All proceeds will go toward the purchase of children's bibles, which we are absolutely thrilled about. We still have some money from Avelyn's memorial funds that we will use to go ahead and buy some children's bibles - so we can start getting these out and allow others to see them before race day; thank you again to all who gave to these funds! Others will be blessed because of this!

We ourselves have been blessed by others these past few days in getting things out and ready to roll. Our registration form is now complete. Thank you dear friend!! We have had our friend change and adjust...and change and adjust...and change and ad... this thing so many times, she may not want to call us friend anymore. :) Yes, I do want the form to be the best it can be - easy to read, easy to fill out, look nice, etc, but in some ways I think as much as I want this race to happen, I am scared as well. Today she finally said in the most gentle way possible, "Let's get this thing out!" and I think that's what I needed to hear. A little push. She probably wanted to give me a big push (over the edge), but she gave me just what I needed. Thank you Amber. :) I don't believe I can attach the form on the caring bridge site, but it is on our website!! Please go to www.letyourlight-shine.com and you will find it under the "Family Walk/Run & 5K" tab. And for those reading this on our blog, the file is attached above! :)

I will never attempt to understand why our 16 day old precious baby girl passed away. That being said, it gives me peace to know God has us on a journey that will hopefully change the lives of others, by getting children's bibles into the hands of as many families and children as possible. I pray His Spirit will continue to lead us and guide us as we continue to embark on our Avelyn SonShine Journey...

Thank you ALL for your prayers these past few days, weeks, months. They continue to get us through. Please keep them coming! We have been humbled & blessed many times over because of each of you. Thank you!!

If you are able to join us on May 23rd to walk/run in memory of Avelyn - and to help raise funds to buy children's bibles, we would - again - be completely humbled AND honored. And equally so, if you are unable to join us for this event but would like to contribute to our ongoing fund to get children's bibles into the hands of others, please go to www.letyourlight-shine.com and click on the 'Donate Now' button for your donation to go directly into The Avelyn SonShine Journey Fund, the fund we set up through The National Christian Foundation.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...and May God Bless each and every one of you. *HUGS*

What a Journey It Is...

3/31/2015

10:20pm We are still trudging along. It seems like one thing after another continues to slow us down in our 5K race planning. Just when we're able to check one box off, another box with a big empty square appears, just waiting, wanting to be checked. When this happens, the doubts come rolling in. Last week a couple big ones hit. On Wednesday, I was on my way to an annual dermatology appointment when I got a call re: the 2nd of these two big things we are waiting on. Not good timing, now dealing with two big unchecked boxes. I called Josh and tears started flowing. Not a great lead in to go check into a doctor's office. I sat in the car for a few moments to try to compose myself and prayed to God for a sign that all of this was going to work out and be fine. In my head, I immediately thought "really a sign? do you really need to test God like that??...OK, I'll trust in Him even without a sign." And then my immediate next thought was, "but a sign would be nice." LOL. :)

As I went into the doctor's office with red eyes and a kleenex in tow, I tried to hold myself together. After updating paperwork, I sat back down. After a few minutes a sweet lady (who later said she was 87 y.o.) sitting across from me, said to the teenage boy a couple chairs down (sitting with his mom and sister), "What does the A & F on your t-shirt mean?" "Abercrombie & Fitch," his sister said. The sweet lady seemed to know what that was and they continued to chat. 'Too cute,' I thought. Then with a grin on her face she said to me (wearing my Wichita State Volleyball sweatshirt), "I know what Wichita State means." So we all got to visiting about basketball and March madness. This got my mind off things, which helped, and I think my eyes began to turn to their normally white color.--I thought to myself, "maybe this is my sign." :) Shortly after, they called my name to come back. I waited on the doctor for a few minutes, then immediately when she came in, she said "oh look, I see the sunshine peeking through." That was it. That was my sign. To be honest, I didn't even really notice the sunshine myself, as I was sitting with my back toward the window (this could all be a symbol in itself!), but those words meant everything to me at that moment. Thank you God. :) The rest of the week went great. My parents were in town, and it was wonderful spending time with them. They left early Sunday morning and we headed to church, where I always love worshiping our Lord, our Savior.

Do you ever feel attacked? Not by some mean animal, lol, but by a friend, a family member, yourself? So many emotions flooded me Sunday. Looking back, I realize it was Satan attacking me, the feelings getting stronger and stronger, and I couldn't shake it off. I kept thinking about how hard it has been, not only losing our daughter, but trying to make a positive out of it and it not going easily, so frustrated that we keep hitting so many bumps along the way. I kept thinking "Lord, if I can't have my precious daughter to hold, our 3 girls worshiping with us together at church today, the family I envisioned...if I can't have this, can't you at least make this race we are trying to plan, this race we are organizing in order to raise money to buy bibles to give to Your children--can't you at least make THIS EASY - make it go more smoothly?!?!" This was taking over my thoughts and I just couldn't let it go. I still get emotional thinking about it. In my mind, I still think, "yes, it would be really nice if this path that we have been put on - that we did NOT choose - was going more smoothly for us now that we are on it." And then there's my heart...

I'm so thankful my heart is filled with peace. Filled with the peace that only the Holy Spirit is able to give, the peace that "transcends all understanding" (Philippians 4:7) - and Lord knows, I do NOT understand this...yet that peace is still there. Praise Jesus. Yesterday and today as I was brainstorming a name for our goal to raise money to buy children's bibles, I kept thinking about the Nathan Project and what a perfect name that is. We met with Ron Stiles early last week and he has so many amazing stories about what the Nathan Project has been able to do and continues to do, through God. Many ideas for a name went through my head and I wrote several down. I shared these with Josh last night and we discussed a few over the phone, since he was out of town. But just none of them seemed to click for us. We want to include Avelyn's name and something about the Sunlight and some term similar to 'Project.'--We thought of words such as 'plan, mission, task, objective...' Josh's favorite was 'plan' and my favorite was 'mission,' but neither just really spoke to us. Then today, as I continued to search and brainstorm, the word "journey" came to me. I mentioned this to Josh, and we both felt "this is it." This path we are all on is a journey. We are not in control (obviously...or the past few days would have gone differently, if it were my choice). :) Things may not always go the way we desire, the way we wish, the way we plan...going full force on our mission may not always succeed, but God makes us stronger by taking us on His journey. Ups and downs, side-to-side, rocking us this way and that - but He's got us, holding us in the palm of His hand. As the scripture states that I just opened my bible to find...and just so happened to turn to the EXACT page it was on (really??): "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms..." (Deuteronomy 33:27). He's got ahold of us. And if we think we're falling, if we stray from Him, if the devil is attacking us and we are overwhelmed by his strong, full-fledged attack, God is right there to catch us in His arms.

I won't say I'm fully recovered from the feelings I have had this past week, and honestly I don't know if I ever will be. But God is right here, with that peace I feel yet do not understand. This peace overwhelms me at times, as well. There's no doubt I want things to be easier for us, but now that I know this isn't the case (for any of us), why not do our best to try to enjoy the journey, with Jesus by our side?...

In one week, Avelyn would be 11 months old. Man, that year is almost here. Please keep the prayers coming as we continue to embark on this challenging journey. A journey we hope, with God's help, will help get children's bibles into the hands of MANY. - The Avelyn SonShine Journey -

10 Months. Hope.

3/6/2015

1:23am Just a few minutes ago, the day rolled over to what would have been Avelyn's 10 month birthday. Just recently I realized how close we are getting to what would have been us celebrating our 3rd daughter's first birthday. Shortly after Avelyn passed, people would tell me "time will heal." I honestly didn't believe them at all at the time. Much to my surprise, time does begin to heal, but as I expected, it doesn't fully heal. Things have gotten easier, but not easy. The past month has been a bit tough for me. Overall I am still coping well, I believe, but it was just a hard month. Recently it seems I have had such highs and lows. Twice in the past week, I have had moments where Josh & I and our big girls were having so much fun - dancing, playing games, tickling feet...then the next moment, I found myself with tears, just wanting these joyous moments to last, not wanting them to be over, wanting to experience them not only again and again with our big girls, but also with our precious Avelyn. It breaks my heart the latter won't happen, at least not this side of heaven.

In all this, I continue to feel God's peace within me. His Holy Spirit continues to comfort me, and I am so thankful I have Josh to help me through these tough times, as well. My faith in God gives me peace, and my other big thing right now is HOPE. I don't know why our daughter was taken from the life we wanted here with her, I don't understand. But I continue to rely on God's promise that "He works for the good of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28). I continue to try to soak myself up - my heart and my mind - in this promise. And this is what gives me hope. As the book we continue to study in our life group, "Trusting God" states, He works for our good and His glory. I put my faith in this, which gives me hope. He has big things planned for the impact Avelyn's life will have, and as her mommy and His child, I am thankful for this. I have hope in my life as well, that He will help me through these tough times and work everything out "for the good."

In regards to planning our race in memory of Avelyn, the past month has proved a bit challenging. Prior to the City of Spring Hill approving the race, we must have multiple things in place. I am happy to report the 5K route has been approved by the police dept, so this ball is rolling. A big thank you to our friend from church who has helped us with the route! So thankful for this. The insurance for the race has been my biggest headache. After calling multiple companies to get various quotes, I am so thankful to report that today paperwork has been faxed in to make this official. Thank goodness! I will be SO thankful when I have this document in my hand and we can get all this to the city for final approval. We are now looking at the end of March to get everything officially approved, then let the other details begin...or at least continue to move. :) We are still looking at a date of Saturday, May 23rd, and we are super excited for this. We are also very close to being able to order a shipment of children's bibles, so this is super exciting, as well. We found out the publisher that prints the bibles requires an order of > 2,500 bibles to pre-print our story on the inside covers, so we will need to print stickers and place this in ourselves; this is an idea we got from the Nathan Project. So excited to get these bibles and get them into the hands of God's children!!

I am so thankful my faith is deeply rooted in our Lord and Savior. Despite my emotions being all over the place lately (and probably for several months), my mind remains steadfast on Him. As I read in "Trusting God" today, "We must not allow our emotions to hold sway over our minds. Rather, we must seek to let the truth of God rule our minds. Our emotions must become subservient to the truth. This does not mean we do not feel the pain of adversity and heartache. We feel it keenly...but we must resist allowing that pain (to let us lose our focus and our trust in Him)."

"But those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

"'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

"Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE we profess, for He who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

And from a song I love - "Lord, I Need You" by Matt Maher: "...And when I cannot stand I'll fall on you, Jesus you're my HOPE and stay..."

Getting Closer...

2/7/2015

11:50pm As we're closing in on the end of what would have been Avelyn's 9-month birthday today, we're getting closer to finalizing a big event that will hopefully help her memory live on. More on this in a minute... :)

First I want to share with you a blessing we received that will help us see and feel part of our baby girl for years to come. One of the things Children's Mercy does to help families, is they make a quilt each year to honor all the babies and children who have passed away that year. If you choose, you can put together a quilt square in memory of your child to be added to the quilt for that year. Thanks to a beautiful ministry in our church, the Quilt Qare team, we had a quilt square put together for Avelyn. Thank you!!! I will post a couple pics. :) This had to be delivered by the end of January, so just over a week ago, Aili and I went to Children's Mercy on a Wednesday morning to get this to them. I am so thankful because I was planning to go downtown in the afternoon by myself, while Aili was in preschool, but a change of plans sent us up there together that morning. As I handed the quilt square to the chaplain, he said "it's beautiful"...and I couldn't agree more. The ladies who helped put it together did an amazing job. I began to get emotional after I handed it to him, feeling like I was giving yet another piece of our daughter away, but I felt so blessed because it's yet another way that will help her memory live on. And this is the moment I was thankful to have Aili with me. I held her hand, and we were able to walk out of the hospital together...and she, with God's help, gave me strength to keep it together. :)

And now more on the things to come... After Avelyn passed, we were encouraged by the funeral home to solidify a cause where any memorial funds that folks wanted to give (thank you to all of you!!!!) in memory of Avelyn would go; ideally they wanted us to know this cause by the date of the funeral so that people who wanted to give would know exactly where their money was going. Unfortunately, we didn't know early on where we wanted any of these funds to go that people so generously gave (again - thank you, thank you!!!). We prayed and prayed that God would lead us in the right direction.--We prayed for two things: #1 - that they would go toward something impactful, something that would potentially make a positive difference in the lives of others, and #2 - that they would go toward something long lasting, something that would live on. Thus far we have used the funds for a couple different purposes. They have gone toward buying bookmarks that has our Let Your Light Shine logo and Avelyn's story on them (thank you to our friend who helped design these!!); I have loved this idea because I am able to share them not only with friends and family, but also with strangers or acquaintances whom I feel will benefit from them. The money has also gone toward buying t-shirts for Brooklan's running club at school, which has been great because our website is on the back of the t-shirt and occasionally I will see kids around town wearing them; this helps me see 'her story' living on. Despite loving both of these ideas, we feel God has been leading us toward something more, as well. Our plan now is to use the remaining funds to buy children's bibles, specifically "The Beginner's Bible," to pass out to kids at local churches and to get in the hands of as many children and families as possible. This idea, through God, was given to us by Nathan Stiles' dad, Ron; we've written about this before. It's crazy because when he initially shared this idea with us, we were super excited.--Then he offered to have the company (Bibles by the Case) that supplies the Nathan Project bibles to them, ship us some children's bibles to check out. At this time, I was hoping one of the bibles they would send to us would be like the one we read with Ailiana every night. They ended up sending us 3 choices, and praise God the one I was hoping for was in there. Thank you God. :) We are excited to order this; now we are just waiting on one remaining item from the publisher re: pricing. This should come any time now, so we will be able to make this 'official.' :)

Our next piece of good news is that with the ideas and help and support of friends, we have begun the process of planning a 5K and family walk in Avelyn's memory. The funds raised from this will allow us to continue to buy more children's bibles, and we are extremely excited to hopefully help this cause live on. Through the Nathan Project, they have handed out more than 16,000 bibles, and the more important thing, is that this means changed lives. We hope, through God's grace, the children's bibles will make a similar impact. As far as the race goes, where we stand now is trying to get the race officially approved through the city, fulfilling the permit along with everything it requires. Because I have never done anything like this, all of this is scary and intimidating (and frustrating at times) to me! :) God continues to encourage me, as well as the gracious support and encouraging words of others. Thank you!! I have a dear friend, someone who has put on a 5K before, helping with all the paperwork and steering me in the right direction. After all this is filled out, we will need insurance for the race, which another dear friend is helping me with, and I will meet with the police department to go over the route of the race to make sure they are able to help with all the details on race day. I'm hoping to have all this finalized by no later than the end of the month, then all the other details will begin to fall into place, which yet another dear friend is helping me with. :) As of now, the race is set for the morning of Saturday, May 23rd. We looked at other options, but with everything we looked at, this seems to be the best option we've found. Praying for a bright sun-shiny day already. :)

I will keep you updated as things continue to move along. In the meantime, please be praying that things will go smoothly, that things will fall into place like they should, and that I will continue to feel God's grace, strength, and encouragement as we plan this race to help our daughter's memory and legacy live on. Thank you family & friends. Love & Hugs to all of you.

'Embrace the Curveballs'

1/9/2015

10:18pm Embrace the Curveballs. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Last night I watched one of the few remaining episodes of our favorite show, "Parenthood." Near the end of the show, some moms were sharing their advice with their niece/granddaughter, a soon-to-be mom. One of the moms was talking about how 'life with kids will throw you lots of curveballs...don't run from them, embrace them.' I love this. So yes, I am stealing another title, this time from the writers of "Parenthood." :)I decided this may be my new year's resolution. Since Avelyn has passed, I've tried to do this more, but I can always get better. Cherish every moment. No matter what is thrown at you, embrace it. I just realized this actually goes along with my last post about embracing suffering, because sometimes those curveballs involve suffering; they can involve lots of different things, but suffering is one of them. Suffering may be the hardest thing to embrace. But also hard are the day to day curveballs that we all face. From work to kids to spouse to sickness (minor or major) to social life to holiday stress to friends to family; good or bad...curveballs come at us from every direction, all day long. My new goal is not to dodge them, but to embrace them, run with them, try to enjoy them.

I heard something a while back that has really stuck with me. I remember it well, but need to live by it more. I think it was something I read; it talked about how our nightly routine as moms, as parents, is usually the same for our kids: homework, dinner, bath, bed. Maybe a few other things thrown in here or there like sporting events, a little playtime, etc., but generally a similar routine. Night after night, the same routine. What I read said that because we HAVE to do these things, WHY NOT ENJOY THEM?!?! Thinking about this, I realize this monotonous routine isn't a curveball at all, but we should still enjoy it! And sometimes harder things do interrupt that nightly routine, like maybe a minor sickness, or dinner that doesn't go just the way we planned, or someone's practice runs later than expected, or someone is grouchy, or someone doesn't want to eat the dinner you took so much time to prepare.--The curveballs enter in, which probably happens more often than not. Embrace them. Enjoy those moments. As all those moms on 'Parenthood' said, time goes WAY too fast. Before we know it, we will be craving those routines, those curveballs, again.

In our life group, since late September, we have continued to discuss the book "Trusting God." The overall theme thus far has been that God is sovereign in everything. He controls everything. It is already planned, already mapped out. Everything. Balancing this concept with free will was quite the topic early on in our study, but we quickly realized it's impossible for our human minds to understand. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5) God has a plan for each of us. As difficult as His path sometimes is for us, it gives me great peace knowing that whatever curveballs He throws our way, or our kids throw our way, He knows the outcome. He has a plan...and it fills my heart with thankful joy and an utmost peace that He promises us that things work out in the end for our good and His glory. It may not be the way I wanted it or the way I pictured it, but He knows best, and I must put my trust in this. "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)--Thank goodness, because even though sometimes I have a plan and think I know where I am going, I need Someone bigger guiding me, leading me.

As Avelyn's 7 month birthday came and went on Wednesday, I don't ever want to forget to cherish this life. Cherish these moments with my girls. As not only does time go by way too fast, but also we're not guaranteed a certain number of days on this earth anyway. We don't know how long that 'time that goes by way too fast' will be. 95 years? 70 years? 50 years? 25 years? 10 years? 1 year? 16 days? Even though it may not be your plan or your choice for how things go, embrace those curveballs, because life is too short and because no matter what, He's got your back. He's a good catcher, the best there is. :)

Let Your Light Shine in 2015! :)

1/1/2015

11:45pm I stole today's title from my sister Ashley. Thanks Ash! :) She had it on her Christmas card and I loved it. When I texted her and told her how much I loved her card and the saying she had put on it, she said Avelyn told her to put it there. So really I'm not stealing, right? :) The Holy Spirit continues to speak to us in amazing ways and we still see our sweet Avelyn in so many things.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. It was my bday and since Josh & I both had the day off, we were able to be together as a family. As a child, I always loved when my birthday fell, because I never had to go to school. Ha! :) As I have entered the 'real world,' I haven't always had the luxury of having my birthday off, but yesterday since it happened to be a normal day off for me, I realized I now have another reason to be thankful for when my birthday falls...now my girls are the ones who are out of school, and when Josh & I are off, we will always be home together! :) In the morning we didn't do anything special or out of the ordinary, but it was so nice waking up with everyone home - and just being able to be together and relax. And Josh & the girls made the day special for me by doing little things here and there, so it was wonderful. :) Josh & I were able to spend the evening together because my wonderful in-laws came over to watch the girls for us, as they have graciously made a tradition of on my birthday the past few years. Josh & I went to one store together, had dinner at Garozzo's, then went to the movie 'Unbroken.' It was so wonderful spending quality time with my hubby.--Even when we were photo bombed by a complete stranger sitting behind us at the theater; it was too funny...I will post the pic. :) Days like yesterday are a true blessing.

As I was thinking about this last night after we got home, I started hoping 2015 will bring so many more memories and blessings like I had just experienced. After going through such a tough year, we are looking forward to a fresh start with the new year. As I kept thinking about this, I realized that even though it was so difficult and the journey continues to remain hard, we were surrounded by the blessings of all of you during those tough times. As Josh & I left the house yesterday to go out for the evening, I can't even remember what brought it up, but we started talking about how much love and support we felt...and have continued to feel...as we have gone through everything with Avelyn. Times like we have gone through...difficult times...also bring about blessings. Not that we didn't know it before, but it just really brought to the forefront how blessed we are with so many friends and family members. You really get to see everyone's true colors...and they really have been TRUE, so sincere, so meaningful. On our way to Goodland to celebrate Christmas over a week ago, I was going through and then deleting text messages because my phone was running out of storage space and apparently it's been several months, and a year in some cases, that I haven't deleted threads of messages. It was humbling and I was tearful reading through some of the messages people had sent back in May, before and after Avelyn passed. Again, making me realize how blessed we truly are and just how in the world we were able to get through those times - with your help and God's strength through you and in you. A true blessing.

As I continued to think about everything, I realized more and more that blessings don't just come in the good times, like in my wonderful day yesterday. They are present in the worst of times, too. Even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone and even though I hope I never ever have to go through something remotely like this again, besides all the loving support we received from friends and family, we can also look at some other things we went through with Avelyn as a blessing. This is a tough one because at times I am still angry at the situation, bitter for what we had to go through, and I will never ever get over the heartache of losing our precious daughter. It's just not possible. But looking back, it's easy to find some blessings when I think about precious moments I was able to share with my daughter. I have just wrapped up a week on 'Suffering' in my Hope devotional. It has talked about how we should embrace suffering, even though what we really want to do is run from it. And at the time, through all those moments we had with Avelyn (and during those times I just knew she was going to be healed and live a beautiful & full life with us), there were times I just wanted to be done with the hospital, be done with those trips to & from downtown, be done with all of it, to bring her home with us. And it's okay that I had those thoughts because my ultimate goal, hope, and expectation was that we were going to bring her home; I knew it. But oh, now how I wish I could embrace those moments and be right in the midst of them once again. I have thought this so many times since Avelyn passed, just wanting to go back. Not because I want to suffer and not because I want my baby girl to suffer, but because I just miss those moments with my baby girl. While I was there, I feel like I cherished them, the good moments; I just wish I could go back and experience them again.--Sitting there in D38 - off and on all day long, giving my daughter 'hand hugs' as they called them. Singing to her. Staring at her beautiful profile. Letting her little hand squeeze my finger. I would love to have those moments back, despite how quickly I wanted to be out of the hospital and home with Avelyn, our whole family together, when we were going through it. All of those moments, beautiful blessings. Blessings despite the suffering. Although I cherished those precious moments at the time, I saw them as a stage, as a step to the next goal of coming home with us. Now I see them as precious blessings I will never forget. Blessings I am thankful I was able to experience. I feel so blessed I was able to share these moments with my sweet Avelyn. Lots of little, but oh so precious blessings.

I remember in college, some friends and I got onto the topic of "would you rather have loved and lost, or never loved at all?" We were talking more about romantic love, but I think about this with Avelyn, as well. Getting pregnant with her was actually a surprise for us. Not planned. So it could have been that I never even knew she would exist, kind of like the latter option - "never loved at all." So now, as I ask myself this question in regards to Avelyn, most definitely I choose the former. I am so, SO thankful God gave us the chance to meet her, and as my OB @ Children's Mercy put it...I am SO glad God gave us the opportunity to show Avelyn how much we love HER. And even though she is gone from us for now, here on this earth, she is not truly 'lost,' like the former option states "...loved and lost." No, we know exactly where she is, which makes the first option even more obvious of a choice. As my friend Robyn (who has also had a baby pass, who I talked to and who helped me tons just a few days after Avelyn passed) told me when someone told her "I'm sorry you 'lost' your child" - she would say "I didn't lose my child, I'm not a bad parent, I know exactly where she is." This actually made me laugh because I can totally here my friend saying this, she cracks me up...but it really helped me to see her point. I don't mind, and she probably deep down doesn't truly mind if someone says "I'm sorry for your 'loss,'" but she helped to open my eyes that we both know exactly where our babies are. Not lost by any means. Probably actually more 'found' than any of us here. :) This gives me true and complete hope and peace in suffering. A huge blessing.

Even though looking back I am able to see blessings in the midst of suffering, I most definitely, without a doubt wish things would have gone differently; I wish with all my heart there was a better outcome and we were able to bring Avelyn to our home. I wish I was holding our sweet Avelyn in my arms right now, rocking her, cuddling with her, with me, here. But going the way it did, I have to focus on the blessings, some of the positives that came out of our short time we had here on earth with our sweet girl. If I don't focus on this, I don't think I would make it. And like I said, I miss so many of those moments. Those moments that at the time were part of an overall 'suffering,' but that now I long to go back and experience again. Cherish those moments. Not the suffering itself - obviously, as none of us enjoy that, but the blessings you may have, that you may need to look for, search for, dig for, during those difficult journeys life brings. If it's hard to see blessings during, you will most likely find them afterward...in something as simple, but very important as how much you've learned or how much you've grown. I will never come even close to fully understanding why it was in God's plan for Ave to fly to heaven way before what we wanted to be 'her time,' but focusing on the blessings that were present help me come a little closer to understanding and give me peace and strength in this tough time.

As I continue to put the pieces of my broken heart back together, I will continue to look UP because that is what gets me through, and honestly that's what life is about.--Living the life He wants you to live. Two things in closing, #1 - I hope and pray each of you will have an amazing 2015, and #2 - when the challenges come - which they unfortunately will at one time or another for all of us, whether big or small, you will look UP and you will search for those blessings - whether the load be heavy or light - because they are there, somewhere. Find those blessings...and LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE...

Hugs sweet friends.

www.letyourlight-shine.com

December 17th, 2014

12/16/2014

10:58pm I have always LOVED snow. Goodland, KS, where I grew up, is just a few miles from the Colorado border and we got tons of snow when I was growing up. We lived over 10 miles out of town and had lots of trees, so we would get some huge snow drifts that my sisters and I would play on.--I think often about a time when we had so much snow we were able to climb onto our house via a snow drift then slide down a slide we had created in another snow drift. Who wouldn't love snow when you have your own amusement park of gigantic snow drifts surrounding your home?!?! Maybe my parents. :) Snow is different on the other side of life, as an adult, when you have power outages to deal with, buses not running your kids' route, driveways to finish shoveling when your kids poop out, and window screens getting pushed in bc your kids have made a slide from the top of your roof to the ground creating too much pressure for it to hold. ;) Despite all these differences, I still love snow, even as an adult. It's just so beautiful. So peaceful. I probably love it just as much as I love my sunshine. :)

Because of my love for snow, I still remember both Brooklan and Aili's first snows; I have a picture to remember both of these times--holding each of my daughters as the beautiful snow fell; Brooklan was just a few days old and I believe Aili was just over a month old--and Brooklan--who had just turned 4--actually took the pic of me & Aili. :) After seeing the beautiful snow tonight, that's the first thing I thought about. Missing this moment with Avelyn. Although...I just thought of this...even though she's not with me, she's seeing it. Seeing the beautiful, peaceful snow, just like I am.

Tonight as I looked out our front window to see the snow falling, I very quickly remembered the peaceful RAIN I watched a few months prior, the night we got a call from Avelyn's doctor letting us know her blood pressure was dropping. Sitting outside that night, watching that rain gave me the peace I had not yet known I would need as we left our home at 3am for what would end up being the last day we would spend here on this earth with our baby girl. I believe I did a Caring Bridge post about that peaceful rain the night our precious daughter flew to see our Savior. Tonight I sat outside bundled up with a cup of hot chocolate doing my devotional from my Hope book. Another peaceful night, but this time in the snow and thinking about my daughter (and life, for that matter) in an entirely different 'light.' As I sat outside in the cold, but comfortable night, I used the lights from our small Christmas trees sitting on our porch to light my page as I read my Hope devotional. I was wrapping up a week's worth of lessons on angels. The lessons have been really good...I have learned a lot. The peace I felt sitting outside on our front porch tonight was different than what I felt sitting in that same place a few months ago, in mid May - two weeks and a day after Avelyn was born. Today I initially felt a bit of an empty peace, missing my daughter in what would have been her first snow, but still with peace full of HOPE--knowing exactly where she is and that I will one day see her again. And God continues to fill up that empty peace, making it a FULL peace, by helping me to know Him more, focus on Him, love Him - try to live out His will for my life, and continuing to help me realize that in everything He does, "He works for the good of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28). THIS gives me peace. He gives me peace. The instant things get tough for me here, focusing on Him helps me to put everything into perspective!! I hope and pray you feel this peace as well. It's a peace that "transcends all understanding" (Phil 4:7), a peace I know exactly where it comes from, but that I don't understand how or why I am able to feel it in such tremendously difficult circumstances. I am beyond blessed and thankful that I know Him and am able to receive this peace, even though I don't understand it. Praise God.

As we all celebrate Christmas this next week, I pray we will all remember the 'reason for the season.' Look up. Look into that snow, through that snow, into the heavens above. Talk about beautiful.--What Christ has done for us is beyond beautiful. Enjoy celebrating our Savior's birth, friends. May you all have a Merry Christmas, safe travels, wonderful times with family, and that 'peace that transcends all understanding' knowing that He came to this earth, down from that beautiful heaven, to be born in a barn, to save YOU.

Angel Ave.

12/6/2014

12:53am Have you ever seen those decorative signs, particularly for Christmas, that have a long board or stick, probably 3-5 feet tall, with 'road signs' lined across--top to bottom on the stick...like 'Reindeer Crossing' with an arrow to the right, 'North Pole' with an arrow to the left, Santa's Workshop' with an arrow one way, etc.?? Hopefully you can picture what I am very poorly trying to describe. :) About a month ago our Timeout group (a group of working moms from LifeSpring), went to Nell Hills in Atchison, KS on a Saturday morning; Nell Hills is a store I had heard of before, a store known for how packed full they are of fun & beautiful decorations. We saw a sign similar to the sign I am trying to describe, but at the top, the first 'road sign' said "Angel Ave" with an arrow pointing one way. My friend Ange & I saw it, and immediately I loved it.--To me it said two different things: 'Angel Avenue', a street name indicating 'angels that way' but also for OUR angel, our 'Angel Ave(lyn).' I thought right away, 'this is perfect, I have to have it,' but then all too quickly I realized it was attached to the whole stick with all the other 'road signs'...and it cost ~$170. Well, bummer. Big bummer and disappointment. That was not in my budget for this short trip. :) But my friend suggested I could make my own, and despite my lack of creativity and craft skills, I knew I could make this work! ;) She gave me some ideas and after a few weeks of finding some cheap supplies and the time to do it, I completed it. I will attach a pic. I think it turned out pretty well. And notice, the arrows are pointing every which way; our Angel is surrounding us. Everywhere. Every which way. I love it. :)

This has been kind of a crazy week. Definitely a week of ups and downs. And these ups and downs have mostly been unrelated to Avelyn. Stuff we all go through. Part of life. From celebrating birthdays to disciplining and dealing with a poor choice from your child. From a health issue of a family member to enjoying good company at Josh's work party. Just life. Ups and downs. Today, December 7th, is my older sister's birthday and it is also the day our sweet Avelyn would be 7 months old. Highs and lows. Last night at Josh's work party, I was able to meet one his co-workers and her husband who recently had twin boys, but lost one of them shortly after he was born due to a health issue. Talk about a mixture of emotions. From the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. I visited with the mom a bit, but not going into any detail. I feel so sorry for them. Such a sweet couple.

In the midst of such a crazy week, one positive, one of the 'ups,' I am excited about is earlier in the week going to pick up some children's bibles that Ron Stiles had ordered for us. Ron is Nathan Stiles' dad, whom I've written about before. Nathan is the 18 year quarterback, homecoming king, and young man with a heart hard after Jesus that passed away 4 years ago of a concussion suffered in a football game. Ron and his family have made it their mission to pass out as many bibles as possible and to let as many people as possible know about Jesus. They are nearing having passed out 16,000 bibles. Wow. What a lasting impact. After meeting Ron, his wife Connie, and their daughter Josie at the Nathan Project run in October, Ron had called and visited with me about the fact that sometimes when he is handing out bibles, people ask about children's bibles, and he wondered about our desire to help make this happen. Josh & I are thrilled about this potential impact we could begin to leave in memory and honor of Avelyn, with God's help and blessing. There are still some things we need to work out before we officially start this 'mission,' but we are loving the idea. Such a Light to focus on and look up to during an up and down week. Praise God for this.

So as our 'Angel Ave' is 'pointing' every direction, we pray God has a plan for her life to make a positive impact on the lives of His children--His creation--pointing every which way, making an impact on as many people as possible.

Happy 7 Month Birthday sweet Avelyn. We love you! Thank you sweet girl and thank you my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for continuing to help us with our daily lives, with the little things, with the ups...and with the downs, and most of all for keeping our focus on the things that really matter in this life, You.

Love & Hugs. :)

Thankful for...

11/27/2014

Thanksgiving is a little different for us this year. Not only were we planning on it being our first Thanksgiving with our new baby girl. With our 3 girls. But our tradition with my side of the family has changed, as well. For the past several years we have gone to my older sister Angie's family's in Tulsa. We have always had such a great time there. So fun and relaxing and love being with family. A few months ago though her family moved back home to Goodland to be in a small town and be near my parents. So this year we are spending most of the holiday in Wichita with my younger sister Ashley's family. This works great because her husband is a firefighter and has to work today. Having it at her house allows her to be with family today while her hubby isn't home and for all of them to be with family tomorrow without having to travel in the morning. I have really been looking forward to this in Wichita for the same reasons I have enjoyed past Thanksgiving holidays in Tulsa. So thankful for family and being together. The major negative of all this and kink that got thrown in a couple weeks ago is that my older sister Angie and her husband are unable to be with us because she tore her ACL playing volleyball about a month ago and she had surgery in Denver on Tuesday. So they won't be able to be with us...but at least they will be together and she will be able to begin to heal in the peace and quiet, without her boys and all the cousins running circles around her. :) Today we are traveling from Wichita to Oklahoma City to see Josh's side of the family. We have made this part of our Thanksgiving tradition in recent years and love spending time with his family and extended family, as well. Relaxing and Fun and being TOGETHER. Besides Food, Feasts, Football, & Fellowship, there is something bigger: Family and being TOGETHER. :)

After I woke up today, for THANKSgiving day, I started to think about what would be the one thing I am MOST thankful for at this time in my life. I came to the conclusion, pretty quickly, exactly what that is. Recently God has really started to reveal something to me. I am thankful He has helped me to realize that despite the purpose He has for me on this earth and that He calls me to 'Let your light shine before others' (Matthew 5:16) while here, He has helped me to realize this isn't all there is. There is something bigger. There is something even better. This life is short and I am called to give it my all and Let My Light Shine while I am here, but Eternity is awaiting when He calls me heavenward. Hopefully this won't happen until decades from now, but if it happens today, tomorrow, whenever it happens, I am not fearful. I am ready. I pray you will welcome this invitation from Christ as well, to accept Him as your Savior. He has died for us. He has died for you. So that you aren't fearful, so you are ready. So you are able to live in full peace on this earth. Not a peace guaranteeing you relief from physical pain or mental distress or emotional anguish, but an inner peace that is not known in any other way than when you have a relationship with Christ, knowing what awaits you when this earth leaves you. A place where God promises, as I have been reading in Revelation, no more pain. No more sorrow. No more death. No more tears because He wipes them away. So as thankful as I am this Thanksgiving for all the F's (food, feasts, fun, fellowship, and most of all family and being together), there is something I am even more thankful for. The realization that when it is my time, He is awaiting to receive me in His arms. For Eternity. And I'm hoping I will someday see all of you there with me. As beautiful in SO many ways that this Thanksgiving day is today here on earth, all of it will be even better in His Light. In His Kingdom. In Heaven. With Him. Praying all this is together with you, my family, my friends. Happy Thanksgiving to each of you. May God Bless you today and if you haven't already, may you also realize His hand is held out and ready to hold yours, too. Giving you inner Peace now and Guaranteed Hope for Eternity.

A Major Landmark 'for Me'

11/6/2014

8:05am Happy 6 Month Birthday my sweet Avelyn. I think about you every day, multiple times a day, often every hour, every minute, every second of every day...often on my mind and always in my heart. Our Sunshine. I see you and feel you in so many things. As I type right now with the sun beating down onto the window beside me, I am having to lean to the side at times in order to allow myself to actually see without your brightness, the 'Son's' brightness blinding my eyes. You are always here; He is always here--I know and feel you and His presence more than ever. Since a few days after your memorial service, I have taken a picture of the sky and/or the Sunshine every day...I have only missed one day and I know you were shining brightly that day because we were all at the pool, truly enjoying the sun and it's heat. :) That's A lot of pictures. Needless to say, I have some beautiful pictures...and some days multiple pictures I can't even try to pare down because they are ALL SO beautiful. It's crazy because even on those rainy days or gloomy, dreary, dark days, I have always been able to find a glimpse of you shining at some point in the day. Always. You are an angel for our Lord and Savior now, but there is no doubt He is sharing you with me. Every day. At Sonrise. At Sonset. Every day. I must say, my photo gallery on my phone quickly becomes filled with your presence, as well, with all the pictures I take. :) Typically the most beautiful pictures I get are of the sunrise, sunset, or when the sun is surrounded by or peeking through some white puffy clouds. Today, there are no clouds. I see and feel your presence purely, brightly on me...I literally feel the heat as your sunshine bursts through the window to my left. Although I can't see because of your brightness at times as I type, I love it. ;) Celebrating your 6 month arrival. Yesterday at work, someone from the registration area at the hospital came into our department with a vase full of beautiful roses. As she walked over and handed them to me, I knew they were from your Daddy. As I opened up the card, the one word written on it confirmed this. ILYNA (I Love You Now & Always), our saying. One of my co-workers asked if it was our anniversary, and because it was not, the Mom in me immediately thought he sent them to me to celebrate you, to honor you on your 6 month birthday; and as my co-worker pointed out, there were 6 roses. Later Josh told me the card was also supposed to say "Just Because;" he hadn't even thought about the landmark coming up. He felt bad because he meant for the flowers to bring only a big smile to my face, not the tears, as well. But as a Mom, we just think about these dates, these landmarks. I've had this day on my mind, in my heart for awhile now.

Yesterday I was putting Aili's recently taken 5 year old pictures in her 4 x 10 frame on our picture wall. Each 4 x 10 picture consists of 3 poses/images from whatever landmark birthday we were celebrating at the time, and I always keep the previous years pictures in the frame behind the current pictures. As I placed Aili's 5 year old 4 x 10 in the frame, I then began flipping through all the prior years pics, marveling at how she has grown and just loving the joy I saw in her face in each picture. 4 years old, 3 years old, 2 years old, 18 months, 1 year old, 9 months old, and even though I knew it would be there, I didn't even think about it, her 6 month pictures. Aili had an enormous smile on her face in each of these six month pics. She smiled a lot as a baby.--We have a friend that still calls her 'Smiley' because of this. With Avelyn not here, it's hard to know what she would be like today, but seeing Aili's big, cheesy smiles gave me a glimpse of her. Oddly enough I didn't cry this time, just a small smile. Missing her, but knowing she IS smiling, bigger than any of us ever imagined a smile could be.

There are so many uncertain things in this earthly world. Today I have a friend mourning the loss of her father, killed in a car accident -not his fault - gone long before his time. This friend has already lost her mom to cancer. Unimaginable. So many things on this earth we can't control. We go through so many things in this life - some minor, some major. This earthly life is just not fair. In fact, a month or two ago I told Brooklan and Aili we are no longer to use this phrase 'no fair' in our home. It's a given. It's NOT fair. And by no means do I pretend to understand any of it. We are in our last week of our Beth Moore Thessalonians bible study. The first lesson this week talks about prayer, focusing on the 'receiving' portion, not the 'achieving' portion of prayer. These past few months I have relied on this, not telling God 'I need this or I want that'--trying to achieve things, but asking Him to help me feel His Holy Spirit, feel His presence, receiving Him. Ironically, and most likely by God's divine plan, this week in my Hope devotional is on hope, and today's reading 'coincidentally' had a similar message about prayer; it was titled 'More than Wishful Thinking.' The prayer at the end of today's lesson says: "Faith Giver, so often I settle for the uncertainty of seeking what I want when I want it, and I'm left disappointed. Show me what it means to place all my confidence in You. Fill me with the assurance that my greatest hopes and dreams are fulfilled in You, even when I can't see it for myself." I don't understand the way God works OR why. So many things we don't understand in this life. As Nathan Stiles' dad told me one of the verses he has relied on since his son passed is in Proverbs 3: 5 "...lean not on your own understanding" and lately in life group we have talked a lot about Isaiah 55: 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." We may not understand, but God also promises in Romans 8:28 that He "works for the good of those who love him." Have I mentioned I love this verse...I rely on this verse? Even though sometimes I don't understand His ways, have cried out to Him and He hasn't answered the way I wanted, been so saddened by the things He has planned at times in this life, and been so angry with Him at other times, I can say with all that I am that I still "love Him" and I am SO thankful He has been right by my side to help me through all this. And I am even more thankful this life isn't al there is for me, for us, for those that "love Him."--He has bigger and better plans for us. Salvation. Eternal life. Which will no longer involve this pain. Hurt. Loss. - All the things we don't understand now. All of that GONE. Finally all things beautiful. Forever.

As I have shifted now from where I sat earlier when starting this post (as my 5 year old has me moving lots ;) ), I now stare at the roses Josh sent me. They represent so much. My husband's love for me. 6 roses for our baby girl's 6 month birthday and just now as I think about it, delicate 'baby's breath' surrounding the roses; wow, what a thought. And the beauty of the whole arrangement - from His creation - put together gives me peace, peace I can only get from Him, peace that my daughter is now healthy, in His arms, in His presence. Smiling.

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