11:55 pm    

 www.letyourlight-shine.com

Some of you already know about the website we have started to try to continue to honor our precious daughter--we pray by God's grace we are able to do this. Our goal is to encourage others to "Let Your Light Shine" on this earth, with Christ's strength and help. We want to do what we can to help others hear Avelyn's story; we know God has a plan for all this...we cling to the hope that it is something big, and we want to do our part--as least as much as we can--to be a part of it. We encourage you to check out our website and share any ideas you may have to try to help our cause. We would really appreciate your help!!

We have already printed bookmarks with our logo, which also tell a bit about Avelyn's story; we designed these with the help of a friend. If you would like a bookmark, please let us know and we can try to get you a couple. If you already have one and would like a few more, let us know, and we can try to do that, as well. We want to share with others--as many people as possible--so that by God's grace others may come to know Christ--that don't know Him already--and all will also be encouraged to "Let Your Light Shine."

The past few days have been a struggle for me at times. I think it's because maybe reality is setting in even more. As I think about our sweet daughter and how I will miss her GROWING UP--smiling for the first time, laughing for the first time, sitting up, crawling, walking, riding a bike, going on trips with us, getting on the bus for the first day of school, graduating from high school, etc, etc, etc, I am extremely saddened and at times angry. I am ashamed to admit, at times I don't care about any other things, I only long to be with my sweet daughter again. As I think about these things, I wonder, "maybe God has given us this theme, this logo, for ME."--He has put me on this earth for a purpose, and while I am here, awaiting Jesus' return, I MYSELF need to "Let MY Light Shine." I know this will be hard for me--or anyone--for that matter, to do ALL the time, but by God's grace, I need to find my strength in Him to try to do this as much as possible.--I need to keep my eyes on Him...I need to get my strength from Him, so that I may better Shine my Light...God's Light through me.

A few weeks ago after Avelyn's memorial service, Josh & I were discussing a 'theme' or a 'message' that we wanted to share with others to honor our precious daughter and keep her story alive, and "we" came up with "Let Your Light Shine." As we were searching in the Bible for a verse that might match this theme, we came across those exact words in Matthew 5:16, which made it apparent that GOD literally GAVE us the theme, gave us those words. Matthew 5:16 says: "In the same way, LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." As I think about how I might struggle in the next few days, weeks, months, and even years, I feel this message will be for me. I know I won't struggle every minute of every day, but when I do, these words will hopefully help me to keep my eyes looking up, know who I get my strength from, and encourage me to hang on and let my light SHINE. Our hope, if even just in the smallest way possible, is that we--through God's grace--may encourage you to Let Your Light Shine, as well...and our hope is that we can continue to do this on an ongoing basis for you and others.

This is why it becomes so important that you share any ideas you may have in helping us do this!! There is a section on the website under 'Comments.' One thing we would love to do is, in addition to our bookmarks, print additional items with our logo, as well. Maybe t-shirts, notepads, front license plates... We shall see where the Lord leads us. I pray He will guide us and give us ideas that we may touch as many lives as possible, with His help. So...if you have ideas, PLEASE share!

As Avelyn shines her light on me every day, I pray I may do the same--for her, for my God, and for others--as I live my life here on earth...

www.letyourlight-shine.com

11:16pm

Something I have done with both of our big girls is get them some type of snow globe when they were babies. We got Brooklan a Precious Moments one that you can also put a picture in the base of and it plays music and we got Aili one that I believe says 'More thankful for you than there are stars in the sky.' I think I got each of the snowglobes shortly after they were born; I can't remember for sure, but definitely when they were babies.

So last Friday, just over a week ago, Brooklan asked to borrow my phone. Later after I had checked the phone log I saw that she had called my in-laws, but I didn't know for what. Come to find out she had called to ask them to look for a snowglobe for us...for Avelyn. Oh...and not just a snowglobe, but preferably a music box one, as well. And she also let them know it would be great if it could play 'You Are My Sunshine.' I'm sure being 8 years old, she figured this was probably an easy task. So my in-laws, the good people they are, set out on a mission...to please/appease their granddaughter and surprise us. The first store they go into is Hallmark. They look around some and also ask an associate if they have anything of the sort. I'm not sure if it was right away or later they end up sharing Avelyn's story and also how her sister sent them out on this mission. As they look around, they see nothing and the associate even tells them she does not know of anything in the store with this description (big surprise, right?) As I'm thinking, and probably others as well, does something like this even exist...let alone in this one store...the first store they go into...in all of Kansas City??? About that time I guess my father-in-law sees another snowglobe. He sees it is a music box as well. He picks it up and begins to twist it underneath to play its song, and lo and behold, out comes "You Are My Sunshine." In my opinion, a small miracle. Not even the associate knew it existed. I truly see the Lord's hand and my precious Avelyn's hand in this. And by the way, story not over... So they bring it to our house the next day, last Saturday. Right when they get there they show it to Brooklan and she notices it's an ANGEL in the snowglobe (something they had not yet noticed) with big angel wings. A while later, after dinner and a mean game of croquet (which Josh won bc I think he cheated, but according to him, he's been 'training for years' :) --sorry for the sidenote :) ), we finally got to open the present and hear the whole story. As I look at our gift and wind it up to hear our daughter's song, tears begin to roll down my face and I see the angel in the snowglobe holding a BIRD.--As we found out after Avelyn had passed, her name also means 'bird' (in Latin) and I think of her as this often as I see all the little birds 'enjoying life, flying in the sky.' Such a perfect gift...and even more so because with my in-laws help, it came from our oldest daughter to remember her sister...and I believe with her sister's help in finding it. :)

We have received so many perfect gifts since Avelyn has passed...too many to even begin to name here. We are thankful for each and every one of them and will cherish them always. I even have a page in her album dedicated to showing all the gifts we have received (at least up until the point the album was made). So thankful for each of them, as they give me something to see or hold onto as we remember our sweet Avelyn. Thank you. So blessed. Enjoy the bright sunshine tomorrow, sweet friends...

8:28 pm
Sitting on the front porch right now enjoying this beautiful September, I mean July, day. :) Don't ever remember a July day quite like this one. So beautiful. So thankful. I hear the big girls in the back yard playing catch with their loving, giving Daddy, and I am enjoying peace in the presence of my Lord & Savior and my sweet Avelyn. I of course love my time with my big girls, as I have mentioned many times and want to cherish every moment with them, and I also enjoy time 'with my pieces of heaven,' as well. Just can't get enough of the outdoors these days...what a coincidence it is that we have had such a beautiful summer thus far. ;) Always want to be feeling my baby girl MORE, but for now this is the closest I will get...so I am 'soaking up the Sun.' :)

To add to my journal entry last night, I just read another great line in my book tonight, giving me peace. "And death, not healing, is the great deliverance from all pain and suffering." NO MORE pain and suffering for my baby girl. Not now. Not ever. Completely healed. It will ALWAYS be hard not being able to hold my sweet Avelyn KayLee Grace in my arms, but because I can't, this gives me peace. Praise God.

Hey all...get out and enjoy this weather this week!! May never have another July like this in our lifetimes (which who knows when that will be anyway). We have gone on 2 bike rides already this evening...just trying to take it all in. Wish we could do even more. Make time for this, friends. Live. Life. Now.

10:32 pm   I am always missing my baby girl, but tonight I found myself thinking about her lots and really needing some time 'with her.' After we got the big girls to bed and Josh and I had some time to visit and relax together, I decided I would read for a bit then spend time 'with her'--looking at some of her pics. I read a book I received from some relatives titled "The Last Thing We Talk About."--I've been reading it, but tonight something really stood out to me. The author was talking about how he had a friend who was a Christian leader who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He said people all around the world were praying for this Christian leader and some of them "just knew he would be healed." Unfortunately, despite all the prayers, just like our sweet Avelyn, he was not. Then the author states "Death for the Christian should be a shout of triumph, through sorrow and tears, bringing glory to God--not a confused misunderstanding of the will of God to heal." It's been so hard knowing that God could heal our baby girl, but didn't. Josh and I have talked about God's sovereign will a lot recently, and I've come to realize that, as hard as it is, it was God's will, and that's that.--He knows what's best and "works for the good of those who love Him" Romans 8:28. It's still so hard for me knowing this, BUT as the book stated, I need to focus on "shouting of triumph," knowing my precious daughter is in heaven and there is NO doubt that I will see her again, because I know Christ as my Lord and Savior, as well. PRAISE GOD for this!!!

After reading a few chapters in the book, I began looking at pictures of our sweet Avelyn, spending time 'with her.' At times I cried, but it gave me so much comfort remembering the words I had just read...even though it wasn't God's will to heal her on earth, I need to "shout of triumph" because she is in heaven, happy & healthy.--Knowing this, it gave me so much peace looking at some of her pictures where she looks so swollen, just so uncomfortable.--NOT ANYMORE!! As always, tonight I think about meeting my baby girl again someday, THIS TIME HEALTHY, and I pray with her sisters too, spending eternity in heaven...

11:55pm
We did have one hiccup during the week. Wednesday, one of my normal days off, the big girls and I decided to go to the pool. We went later in the afternoon and my plan was to be there until about 5:30, come home and shower, eat dinner which would be ready in the crockpot, then have the big girls hit the sack. Well that didn't happen...so much for plans. :) We ended up having a side trip to Children's Mercy urgent care...

At about 5:15, Aili and Brooklan were walking up the stairs to go down the family side; I was sitting with my feet in the pool on the other side of the slide, so I couldn't see the stairs. The next thing I see is Brooklan with Aili at the bottom of the stairs and Brooklan telling me Aili is hurt; she had slipped on the stairs. I jump in the pool and go grab her and I see blood, a cut on her chin, and once I get her out of the pool and look closer, it is apparent she will need stitches. I call Josh and we prepare to head to Children's Mercy. All ended up going very well. Brooklan was a big help; as we stopped at home for me to get changed and to get clothes for Aili, she ran out a snack for Aili and a couple stuffed animals for her too. :) Aili was great; she shed a few tears right after she fell and didn't shed another tear after that, even through the stitches. So proud of her. Aili now has 4 stitches on her chin and is taking full advantage; she is using the excuse that she needs medicine--so that she can get out of bed at night after we put her down; it worked on me last night, but not tonight. ;)

Even though we were at a different Children's Mercy location on Wednesday, it brought back a lot of memories. The first thing I noticed that really took me back was the jacket the triage nurse had on...a jacket with a quote from Dr. Suess; a lot of nurses at Children's Mercy Downtown, where Avelyn was, had a jacket like this.--They were really promoting reading to your babies and they even gave a free Dr. Seuss book to each baby/family.--We were given "The Nose Book," so it was one of the books we read to Avelyn many times. :) As I sat there on Wednesday with Aili, I was reminded of the tremendous care we received while Avelyn was in the hospital. Such great nurses, doctors, social worker, cafeteria workers (one guy we met--Darryl-- was so positive), lactation consultant, respiratory therapists, child life specialists (who helped our big girls), chaplains, receptionists, nurse practitioners, and they even had a group of practioners called the PaCT team who were available to help with whatever/whenever you needed it, and probably many others I am forgetting too. So thankful for all the help we received...and more importantly all the love and care they were able to give our precious baby girl. Since Avelyn has passed, we have received personal cards from a few folks there and 2 of Avelyn's nurses even came to her memorial service. So thankful. It was so tough having our precious daughter go through something like Avelyn had to, but so much grief, stress, and worry was eased by knowing the care she received was backed by caring, loving hands & hearts. We were truly blessed by this.

11:30pm
It's Friday night. I made it through my first week back at work. It wasn't too bad...and I have no doubt that it's God's strength and power--through your prayers-- getting me through. Thank u! It was busy at times and I am still getting in the swing of things, but that will only get better. A couple times--once by someone who works at the hospital and once by a former patient--people asked about "the baby...how she was doing" bc they didn't know, and honestly I don't mind that. I would rather this happen than someone know what happened and just totally avoid me. Most times I love talking about Avelyn--at least about how much I love her and miss her, how much of a fighter she was, what a precious, perfect, face she had--with her sister's nose, how she would try to open her eyes when she would hear us talking (which was so hard for her because of all the swelling she had), that she had her Daddy's toes and her Mommy's fingers, how she would respond to me when I would sing to her, how much I'm looking forward to seeing her again--I am so looking forward to this day. At least talking about her let's others know about her and how thankful I am for the time I was able to spend with her here on earth...I just wish it was longer, much longer. On the other hand, sometimes it is hard for me to talk about her because I know she was uncomfortable...most of the pictures we have of her, she just looks so uncomfortable, but she was so tough, she withstood so much.--I was uncomfortable with swelling in my legs a few days after my c-section, but I tried not to complain because she had swelling, major swelling, throughout her whole entire LITTLE body, yet kept fighting, hanging on. I don't like thinking about her unhealthy physical body because, despite this, she was an overcomer; she gave it everything she had right down to her last breath to overcome everything.--And also there is not a need to think about this side of things anymore because she is HEALTHY now. Lots of hard things to think about when it comes to Avelyn's short life, but the positives will ALWAYS outway the negatives. So most times I enjoy sharing stories about my baby girl with others. ;) And most of all I just want people to know about her--because she was AND STILL IS a big part of our life, and always will be. We got the photo album in the mail that I made for her, and it is something I will always cherish. So glad I was able to put this together. Love that little girl. :)

Response to a comment (7/12/14):                                            

To respond to Lori's comment, it's so crazy and I have no good answer. Lori, you have been good by the way. ;) I was talking to a friend today about being at both ends of the spectrum: being completely sad and not wanting to talk about things vs. at other times wanting to share all the wonderful things about our precious baby girl.--And I cannot determine which day, or even at what time, I will feel which.--So, I definitely don't expect others to know either! :) I just don't want people to avoid me because they don't know what to say...or have to walk on egg shells not knowing if something they say will upset me--so they say nothing at all. Simply put, I just want people to be themselves and not to worry. If I am talking with someone and Avelyn comes up, great; if not, that's fine too...just as long as they don't think they have to avoid me and never talk to me again...I definitely don't want that! ;) Just be yourself... Love and hugs all! :)

11:00 pm
Happy 2 Month Birthday Baby Girl!! Today on 7-7, it is our precious daughter's 2 month birthday. Unfortunately there will be no pictures with her...wearing a "2 Months Old" onesie or holding a sign that says "2 Months Old" or with her sitting next to a stuffed animal we would take pictures with on the 7th of the next 10 months or with her laying in a laundry basket to see how much she grows every month. No, not able to do this. Thinking about things like this I will miss is hard. I really do ok in general each day when I focus on the things I am working on...when I keep my focus looking forward--not looking back at what I am missing. Today as I started my first full week (3 days for me) back to work, I really did great.--Tired now and earlier near the end of my work day, but otherwise I did well. I am feeling the strength from your prayers and I know my Father and my angel in heaven are looking out for me. So thankful for this. I would love to see the party in heaven today. Maybe Avelyn is still wearing a "2 Months Old" onesie, only with holes in the back for her angel wings. :) And she is celebrating with my Grandma Mary in heaven who flew there just over a year ago and has a birthday tomorrow. Quite a party it is, I'm sure. :)

Love you baby girl and miss you more than you know. Heard one of your songs--'Overcomer'--today on my way home from work and it immediately made me cry as I remembered singing it to you so many times. As this song gave me peace while I was unable to be with you at night at the hospital, it still gives me peace now--every day--to know that "God is holding you right now." Love & Hugs to you! Have fun celebrating in heaven. :)

And for those of you who have little ones, live it up. Party hard with them here on earth. Take those monthly pictures as they grow and enjoy every moment. LOVE on them like never before...

11:48 pm
Just finished day 8 in my Hope devotional book a little while ago. Started another section for the week ahead titled "Jesus, Man of Sorrows."--Love the Scripture for this week. It gives me so much peace. Part of it is from Hebrews 5:7. Here it is:

"While Jesus was here on earth, He offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the One who could deliver Him out of death. And God heard His prayers because of His reverence for God."

I was thinking the other day about how much I literally cried out to God on more than one occasion to heal Avelyn. But He didn't...at least not the way I wanted Him to. I can relate to this Scripture and it gives me peace because Jesus did the same thing; it says Jesus cried out for God to save Him from death. And that God heard Him.--BUT God's will remained for His son to die on the cross. About a month ago when I was struggling, I spoke to a friend on the phone who has also lost a baby. She mentioned something that has really stuck with me and helped me a lot. She said "What if God did tell Jesus 'Get down from the cross. I can't do this. These people aren't worth it...' What would have happened then?? It would have been great--a miracle-- for the people to see then and probably many would have been affected--changed forever--to know Jesus at that time. But what about us today?--No salvation for those of us here now. Just like God heard the cries, the pleadings, from His own Son, He heard my cries, too. But just like His will was still done with His own Son--a BIG plan to save all of us--His sovereign will was also done as our precious Avelyn flew to Him. Do I understand? Heck no. But I'm so thankful and it gives me so much peace to know God does.--God has a plan. He is all knowing and all powerful. Sovereign. Josh & I still truly believe He also has big plans for our sweet Avelyn's life...most likely not something as big as offering salvation to all mankind as His will with His own Son :) , but still something big to where His will was done for His good and "for the good of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28) Does this make it ok that our precious daughter isn't with us? No. Do I still want to be holding her and cuddling her and loving her and watching her sleep in my arms? Absolutely. Am I still angry with God? Yes. BUT, it gives me peace to know His will was done with His own Son, despite His Son's cries to Him, and His will was done with our sweet daughter despite our cries to Him BECAUSE He has a plan. Big plans.

And what about my tears? In last week's devotionals more Scripture spoke to me. God keeps track of all my sorrows. He collects all my tears. (Psalm 56:8) He wipes away all tears. (Isaiah 25:8) He not only wipes away every tear, He will remove all the sorrow that caused them. (Revelation 21:4)--Praise God I know Jesus and will get to see our sweet Avelyn again someday...with no more (sad) tears. :)

12:25 am

Made it! :) Thank you all so much. Today went well. It was busy, which was probably good. I most definitely felt God's strength helping me through; I can't thank you all enough for your prayers!! The love, support, and prayers you have given myself, Josh, and our family through everything have helped so much.

At one point today I asked Avelyn to pause time for me, to give me more time with something I was working on. That's possible, right? Well, maybe not, BUT short of stopping time, at that moment everything else fell into place and things went so smoothly.--She truly is my angel, looking out for me. So thankful for this. Makes me smile to know she is looking out for me...my baby girl is looking out for me. Today my prayer was to keep my eyes on God.--As long as I keep my eyes looking up, not out, I do better. I still shed some tears, but I know this will happen. Through Him, all your prayers are helping me through. Thank you!

Looking forward to a good weekend; had fun seeing fireworks at the Paola lake tonight with my in-laws. This has become a tradition the past 4 years for us. Wishing Avelyn was on my lap with her middle sister, but I know she was still there...probably had the best seat in the house. :) Hope you all have a Happy 4th of July. Love and Hugs to you all. And thank you again sweet friends.

10:55 pm

I knew this day was coming. For the past couple weeks, I knew it was coming. But tonight it is really hitting me hard. I head back to work tomorrow; today it's been 8 weeks since Avelyn was born and I was planning to take 12 weeks off. I decided a couple weeks ago to go ahead and start back after just 8 weeks and I'm sure being at work will be fine.--It will be good to see my co-workers and I think the routine will be good for me. But tonight I'm so sad, bitter, and angry.--I'm not supposed to even be thinking about this right now. I'm supposed to be holding my baby girl and spending another 4 weeks with her before I head back to work. It breaks my heart I'm not able to do this. I miss her so much and I want to be holding her and spending time with her. I will only work one day this week, then will start my 3 days per week next week. Please be praying for strength for me these next 4 weeks as I will be working instead of being home with my precious baby girl. Thank you!!

Phil. 4:13