11:32pm

I posted pictures of the daily devotional I read yesterday. I try to do a daily devotional each morning out of the book "Jesus Calling." Yesterday it talked about how you have a choice whether to moan, groan, and be grumpy during the day OR to rely on God and, as it spoke to me, to let your light shine. I have thought about this a lot lately, especially when it comes to taking care of my big girls. I could choose to lock myself in a room forever and be sad and grumpy (bc there's no doubt some days, or at least at times, I feel like doing this) or I can rely on God and His strength to help me through. With our older girls, they need me...and I want and need to be there for them. I need them to see I love them so much and I am there for them even though I am hurting and missing our sweet Avelyn. I have to make the choice of what my emotions will show and what actions I will take. Sometimes it's easy to do, but sometimes I am totally relying on God and all the prayers you all are sending up for me to be able to do this. Yesterday's devotional also meant a lot to me bc since Avelyn was and still is our 'sunshine,' we have decided we want the message to ourselves and to others to be "Let Your Light Shine" from Matthew 5:16. Right now we are relying on our Lord & Savior, our sunshine Avelyn, and all the love & support & prayers you all r giving us. We want to Let Our Light Shine through all this and we want others to do the same. This is one purpose we feel our precious baby girl's life has had. I posted a pic of the devotional I read yesterday, as well as one of the bible verses attached with the devotional, including the few verses before it--Luke 1:76-79. I feel these verses speak of our sweet Avelyn, but also what is wanted from us as children of God. We feel Avelyn has been our "rising sun" (verse 78) and has helped to "shine on" us (verse 79). As her parents we want to do the same for others...and we want to encourage others to do the same--to honor her life and honor God. That's why today, and always, we want all to Let Your Light Shine.

12:31am On days like today I am thankful we have faith in Jesus Christ and we know our precious baby girl is in heaven. Of course, 100%, I would rather her be here with me, holding her, loving on her, caring for her, feeding her, falling asleep with her as I cradle her. But God has a bigger plan for her and if she has to be anywhere other than in our home, I am glad she is resting in His arms...and it gives me so much peace to know she is now healthy, as well.

Today the girls and I had a day full of appts. We were headed to downtown KC, so I tried to work it out to where we could have all our needed appts up there done in one day. We first headed to St. Luke's on the Plaza where I was able to donate the milk I had pumped for Avelyn. This may be a later post of it's own, as well. :) So thankful there is someplace local that offers this service. We then headed to Children's Mercy, where exactly 5 weeks ago today, Avelyn was born. I first dropped off the girls at a play group they offer there, then I went to return the commercial pump they had loaned me. I had to return this to the NICU, where we always checked in before we would walk further down the hall to see Avelyn. I just wanted to sign in and go to D38, which was our daughter's and therefore our home too, for 2 weeks and 2 days. Obviously she would not have been in D38, and this is why I'm so thankful to know EXACTLY where she is resting, playing, and HEALTHY today. :) Praise God. While standing there to return the pump, I saw Dee (our social worker while we were there) - a very nice Christian lady whom we always loved visiting with and helped us with so much, then Jenn (Ave's nurse practitioner) - someone I was always thankful for bc she seemed so knowledgeable and always answered all our questions...and u could tell she cared too, and then Shy (my lactation consultant) who is always so sweet, who has also lost a precious child, and who helped guide me through the process of weaning from pumping and donating my milk. Saw all these nice folks just while standing there for 3-4 minutes--and I don't recall ever seeing any of them standing there before as I was checking in.--I believe God and our sweet Avelyn placed them there for me to visit with today. I got teary eyed with each of them, but I believe it was somewhat therapeutic as well to see them.

From there I headed to my check-up down the hall. While waiting for this appt, I happened to see one of the cardiologists we met with exactly 5 weeks earlier--the morning of our appt to 'rule-out' a heart condition for Avelyn. She recognized me and was so kind to visit for a few minutes. When my doctor/nurse practitioner was able to see me, they called me back and they ended up putting me in the exact same room I had been in for an ultrasound with Ave, almost exactly 5 weeks earlier to the minute, which was very weird. Again, this made me miss our sweet girl. The appt went well, but we didn't quite finish when it was time for me to go pick up the girls from the playgroup, as it gets over at noon. After this, I headed back with the girls to finish up my appt, and I happened to run into the OB that did my c-section.--She is quite possibly one of the nicest people I have ever met, and she just so happens to be an excellent doctor, as well. She is always so kind, knows her stuff, answers all my questions (even when I was asking her in the hallway today :) ), and I love that she always loves on our older girls when they have been with us, too. Just so sweet. As I visited with her today, she mentioned one thing I hadn't thought of. She said God gave Avelyn time on this earth so she would know she was loved. I can't remember exactly how she worded it, but it made me realize even more how by God's grace we got there exactly 5 weeks ago to see the cardiologist before Ave was born...to 'rule-out' that heart condition--with so many things having to happen so this would occur (read more about this in Avelyn's story or if u were at Ave's memorial service u know what I am talking about, as well). Avelyn's successful birth and time here (as there was no guarantee she would have made it at all if things didn't happen exactly the way they did) was not only so that we would get to meet her and spend time with her--as I always thought was the reason, but also so that she could feel our love and know how many people love HER. I loved that Dr. Satija mentioned this today. Oh...and by the way, the doctor's there work 24 hour shifts, so even though I was hoping I would run into her today, I knew the chances were very slim bc of their hours and not being there multiple days per week. Praise God I saw this dear lady/friend/doctor today and she shared this with me. We love u sweet Avelyn and we're so glad we got to show u!!

We ended this appt around 1pm in time for Aili's hernia repair check -up, a quick stop for a picnic and playing at a park near by, then back to Spring Hill for Brooklan's eye appt. Then swimming lessons and a softball game tonight. We survived our busy day, in fact the girls did great.--I was probably more grumpy than them by the end of all the appts. :)

So on days like today, even though they are sometimes not easy--emotionally, mentally, and physically (as we were 4 for 4 with appts, some of them in downtown KC + swimming + softball), they are perfectly planned out by God. Praise Him for this; I'm so thankful for the day we had and the people I saw on my journey through the day!! Thankful I can rely on Him and He not only gets me through, but He makes me stronger during the process and better off in the end...

5:42pm Yesterday was a rough day for me. Josh was working, Brooklan was at camp, Aili was at daycare, and I was at home, where I was supposed to be, in our plans from the months prior, with our new baby girl--just her & I. So needless to say, it was hard to be here without her. I shed lots of tears, missing our baby girl and just longing to hold her. Last night I had a wonderful talk with a dear friend who has been through this several years ago. This helped so much. And today I was home again, but Ailiana was with me. She and I really didn't do much...actually we did nothing besides just hang out as I try to continue to catch up on things and recover. But she makes me smile and laugh. :)

This makes me think about a time when Aili was about 2 years old, we were meeting with our Parents As Teachers lady and we were observing the differences between Aili and Brooklan. Josh & I had been struggling a bit with the fact that Aili's personality was so much different than Brooklan's; it was nothing bad, but we just found it to be more challenging at times, different from what parenting had been like with Brooklan up to that point. And Sue Ann, our Parents As Teachers lady, put it perfectly...she said Aili just has a 'love for life,' she has a 'spirit-filled, love for life' personality. I will always remember this. For those of you that know Ailiana, you will probably agree with me that she doesn't go many places without running, or at least not without a bounce to her step. The other day before Avelyn's service, she had her little yellow dress on and she bounced and skipped out of the auditorium just so happily. I was standing with my Aunt at the time, and I said to her, 'this is what I picture Avelyn like in heaven.' And being with my precious, spirit-filled, full of life, bounce-to-her-step middle daughter today, just kept making me think about my healthy Avelyn in heaven...happy, healthy, dancing, singing, bouncing everywhere she goes. I praise God for all 3 of our girls, their different personalities, their similarities, and that each of them is HAPPY and HEALTHY.

As rough as yesterday was, today has been better. So many things reminding me of our now healthy youngest daughter in heaven, like the little bird chirping just outside our window as I type, and all the other blessings we continue to receive, as well--from such meaningful cards & letters to generous gifts. Thank you all and please continue to pray for me to focus on those blessings from God as we try our best to return to our new normal. Thank you. Love & Hugs.

-Michele

 11:54pm        

So today is a day we were looking forward to for a long time. Today is Avelyn's due date. Also Josh and I's anniversary...and Brooklan's half birthday. ;) Now a bittersweet day. Still thankful to celebrate 13 years with my beloved husband, the love of my life. And now Brooklan is officially 8 1/2 years old, too; she's been excited about this day for multiple reasons, as well. :) I just wish I could be holding my baby girl right now, too. It's so hard bc I long for this, but I know she is now happy and healthy and resting in the arms of Jesus. As hard as all this is and will continue to be, this fact gives me so much peace.

Want to thank all of u who took the time to come out to celebrate Avelyn's life on Saturday. We r so thankful for all of u. We were able to see and hug and visit with and cry with and be loved by so many people from all different walks of life. We love each and every one of u and we r so thankful u were able to share this day--another bittersweet day--with us. Thank u. Our prayer was to honor our precious daughter the best way possible and reach as many people as possible and we feel God was definitely with us. Praise the Lord, He helped us through, and all of u as our loving family and friends helped us too. Cannot thank u enough. Love & Hugs to u, our family and friends.